Your Child - Your Divorce

By STACEY ALATZAS 

You’re owed child support, but the money isn’t coming. What can you do? Experts say successful child support collections are on the rise thanks in part to stronger laws and an increase in the number of resources available to parents. Many of these resources can be found at the federal Office of Child Support Enforcement’s Web site: (http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/extinf.html).    

“There has been a dramatic improvement in the past 20 years,” says Geraldine Jensen, founder of the Association for Children for Enforcement of Support and the author of “Child Support: A Complete Reference.” “The biggest one is collecting child support through income withholding. When they get paid, their child support gets paid. That has literally doubled collections in the U.S.”   

According to the federal Office of Child Support Enforcement, more than 69 percent of child support in the United States is paid through income withholding. According to the office’s 2006 fiscal year report, almost $24 billion in child support payments were collected and distributed, up from $21 billion in 2003. ”If you become educated and know your legal rights, you can guide your case through the system,” says Jensen who served on the U.S. Commission of Interstate Child Support and played a key role in developing and passing child support enforcement laws for paternity establishment, income withholding and federal criminal non support laws.   

Jensen urges parents to use these state and federal government resources to enforce their child support payments.      

STEP 1: Contact your state or Tribal child support agency. 

  
Local agencies can help you make sure you have a legal child support order in effect. These agencies can also help establish paternity, if necessary. You can find your state or tribe’s agency by clicking on the links provided at this federal Office of Child Support Enforcement Web page: (http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/extinf.html) ”I recommend people use the government because they now have these new tools, income withholding and passport suspension and they can attach commissions and bonuses through automation. You don’t have to wait for a caseworker to do something,” says Jensen, who offers child support collection tips at her website: (http://www.familiesonlinemagazine.com/child-support/troubleshooting-child-support-cases.html)    

STEP 2: Supply the agency with all the information that can help your case.
The federal Office of Child Support Enforcement’s Handbook (http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/pubs/2005/handbook_on_cse.pdf) offers a multitude of tips for tracking down delinquent child support payments. It recommends parents provide the following information about the non-custodial parent to their local agency: name, address and Social Security number name and address of current or recent employer names of friends, relatives and any organizations he or she might join pay stubs, tax and bank statements or any other information about his or her income and assets physical description or photograph children’s birth certificates if trying to establish paternity, include letters or notes where the alleged father has said or implied that he is the father of the child your child support order, divorce decree, or separation agreement if you have one records of any child support received in the past information about your income and assets information about expenses, such as your child’s health care, daycare, or special needs(…)The federal Office of Child Support Enforcement’s Handbook () offers a multitude of tips for tracking down delinquent child support payments. It recommends parents provide the following information about the non-custodial parent to their local agency: name, address and Social Security number name and address of current or recent employer names of friends, relatives and any organizations he or she might join pay stubs, tax and bank statements or any other information about his or her income and assets physical description or photograph children’s birth certificates if trying to establish paternity, include letters or notes where the alleged father has said or implied that he is the father of the child your child support order, divorce decree, or separation agreement if you have one records of any child support received in the past information about your income and assets information about expenses, such as your child’s health care, daycare, or special needs(…)

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By Tom Mcmahon (Source)
A lot has been written about the effects of divorce on children. In my humble opinion, Edward Teber, the author of “Helping Your Children With Divorce,” offers the most relevant and concise advice for parents who want to minimize the negative effects of divorce on their children:

“One of the strongest determinants of how well a child adjusts to a divorce is whether or not the ex-spouses support each other in their continuing relationship as parents. Children benefit when both parents coexist peacefully and accept that their ex-spouse is important to their children.”

Secondary in importance is having continuity between the two parents and the environments in which the children live. Ex-spouses should agree on rules and discipline, chores, mealtimes and bedtimes. The more continuity there is in your children’s lives, the more content they will be. They find great comfort in family routines.

Thirdly, practice authoritative parenting, the parenting style that is often associated with positive outcomes. Authoritative parents are warm and nurturing, they encourage communication, yet they set clear and appropriate rules for their children.

Thanks to the readers of this column for sending in so many clever kid tips.

Divorced dad visits kids via Webcam: I never thought that a high-tech gadget would make a difference in my family after a divorce, but it has. A Webcam (small camera) connected to my computer and another one connected to my ex-wife’s computer allow my two children and me to visit via cyberspace in a sort of video conference. Since I now live a few hours away by car from my two children, the Webcams keep us connected during the weeks when my ex-wife has custody of the children. The kids can even hold up things for me to see, such as a school project. Other divorced or separated parents might want to give it a try. — Anonymous

Note: Webcams also can be a fun way for kids to stay connected to grandparents. Some computers, including Apple products, have built-in Webcams. (T.M.)

Preventing ear infections: Parents can reduce the chance of their babies getting ear infections. First, a baby should never be allowed to lie on his back or side while drinking a bottle. The liquid can back up into his eustachian tubes and cause blockage in the ears. This is a common cause of ear infections. Second, breastfeeding encourages a feeding position that keeps the baby’s head slightly elevated, thereby limiting the possibility of liquid draining to the ears. Also, breast milk contains antibodies that can prevent ear infections. — Adel Y., Fremont

Leftovers served with a flair: I have found a fun and creative way to use up the leftovers in our refrigerator. Once a week, I make a list of all the leftovers available for dinner. Then I put on my fanciest apron, add a few elegant French words to my vocabulary and begin taking orders from each family member. I rattle off the complete menu for that evening, including drinks. The kids love it, my husband rolls his eyes and I get an empty fridge. — L.A.A., Salt Lake City

Check out toys: Toys can clutter up a child’s room in no time. To discourage this, we started a practice of checking out toys from a large cabinet that had a safety lock on it. Each child could check out three toys at a time. When they finished playing with those toys, they could check out three more. The cabinet contained toys (games, puzzles, etc.), but books were always available in each child’s room. — Bonnie L., Fremont

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Tom McMahon is a syndicated columnist, college professor and author of the books “Kid Tips” and “Teen Tips.” Visit his Web site at www.kidtips.com.

Once you have finished gathering all your divorce information, sought all the divorce advice that was out there, found divorce help by hiring an attorney and financial planner… after you have learned everything there is to know about how to get a divorce there is one decision that has no fast, cut-and-dried answers: how to raise your children in two households.

Custody of the children can be a major talking point when negotiating a divorce settlement. Depending on how near or far from one another the parents choose to live, it is possible for children to spend equal time with both of them. Once the marital home is sold (if this is what you decide to do) you may work it out so that both spouses can live in smaller, separate homes within your children’s school district. Furthermore, alimony payments can help out with the mortgage.

What ever you and your spouse may do or argue about, don’t sucked into the trap of neglecting your children. As a parent, the kindest thing you can do is to arrange a quick and easy divorce lasting from a few weeks to a month.

If the circumstances of your situation allow it, joint physical custody of your children may be the healthiest option. A child may struggle to understand the mere concept of divorce; all the more so when coping with divorce. When both parents are available to their children, life after divorce can be a time of healing. 

About the Author:
Nathan Dawson writes for http://www.lifeaftermarriage.com a great online source for finance information.

Source: Free Articles

Editor’s Note: Occasionally we receive comments or stories from people that need and deserve to be heard and/or offered advice. We have therefore decided to open a new category on this site titled “Parents Seeking Advice”. The purpose would be to offer you, our readers, a place where you could speak out and get heard - and more importantly, receive advice or hear the opinions of real people who have been through similar experiences.

If you are interested in sharing your story with others, please send us your questions or stories to yourchildyourdivorce@gmail.com. Personal information of the contributor will remain anonymous at all times. Thank you.  

My situation is a little different than the normal.  My ex-husband has
raised my son since he was 1.  Obviously that is who my son considers to
be ‘Daddy’.  However, our divorce was final in July, and we haven’t
spoken in weeks.  My son had an emotional breakdown this past weekend,
and I don’t know what to do for him.  He misses his dad (or who he
thinks is his dad), but I don’t see my ex trying to be a part of my
son’s future.  What do I do in this case when it’s a possibility that my
child will never see him again (because we live in different states)?

Anxiety During the Divorce Process

Children are very likely to feel anxious about their future during the divorce process. A child’s mother, father, and home comprise of his or her world. This world suddenly seems to shatter at even the thought of parental separation. Children’s minds are very fragile and innocent. Therefore, rather than worrying about the big picture of future they tend to worry about things like who will get to keep the dog.

There is also a lot of anxiety associated with whom they will stay with after the divorce. This anxiety is likely to cause a lot of fear and depression in the child. Therefore, it would be best if you and your partner decide about the child’s living arrangement and let the child know about these arrangements. While telling a child about his or her future living arrangements is likely to reduce the anxiety in the child’s mind, the depression related to losing a parent will continue for a very long time. Read the rest of this post »

Rafael Richman, Ph.D.

The process of separation and divorce can be very painful for you and for your whole family. Below, however, you can find some tips and details to make talking to your children about your decision to separate or divorce somewhat easier:

1. Choose an appropriate time and place for your conversation.

Choose a time and place that works for your children. The best location for most children and families is at home, where it is comfortable and private. A quiet environment is better – minimize distractions, turn off all phones (including your cell-phones), the television, and the computer. Put your children first. Make your time during and after the meeting flexible. It is much better for your children if you are available afterwards. This allows your children the opportunity to talk with you and to be with you, if they so desire.

2. Expect that when you disclose that you and your spouse plan to separate or to divorce, that it will be difficult for you.

Expect that, prior to and when you talk to your children, you will feel strong feelings such as: feeling apprehensive, feeling a sense of trepidation, and feeling uneasy and nervous. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. If you are able to, be kind to yourself and accept that it is normal and natural to feel these feelings. Give yourself permission to be “human” and real.

3. It is okay to express and show your feelings.

It is okay to express your true feelings in front of your children, as long as you are able to contain and own your feelings. Use your discretion and common sense. Know that your children may become frightened when witnessing your feelings, if they are strong and negative [e.g., anger or hostility]. Most children, though, can handle seeing your softer, underlying feelings – tears, sadness, hurt, and pain. For example, you may wish to start by saying something like, “…this is very hard and scary for me/us to talk about, and it probably is for you too…”

4. Be brief and sincere.

It is preferable to keep your talk [“speech”] brief, direct, and clear. Avoid long explanations. Know that most kids tend to tune-out when adults provide lengthy explanations and “speeches”.

5. Adjust your words to the age-appropriate level of your children.

Do your best to talk about your plan to separate or divorce in terms that your child can grasp and understand. In general, younger children comprehend concrete terms and examples better than the abstract ideas and words.

6. Allow your children the space, time, and opportunity to absorb what you say and to feel their feelings.

7. Remember that each child is unique.

Anticipate that you may receive different reactions from each child. Some children may initially feel shocked and surprised. Others may have sensed that this was coming for some time, and be less reactive.

8. Expect that your children may experience strong and intense reactions.

Some children keep their feelings more inside, and others tend to be more externally and verbally expressive. Most children will, however, react strongly with feelings ranging from outrage and anger, to discomfort and confusion.

9. Acknowledge and validate what your children are feeling and where they are at.

Refer to my articles on listening – “Nourish your Child with the Gift of Listening” series – for more detailed information on this topic.

10. Prepare for lots of questions and concerns from your children.

Answer as best and honestly as you can, and realize that sometimes the best answer you can give your child is an “I don’t know”.

11. Honor and respect your children’s individual needs.

Some children may wish to be with you; some children may wish to spend some time on their own; some children may cope better by being with their friends.

12. Expect and know that no matter what you say and do, that your child may feel and believe that they are responsible and to blame for your separation and divorce.

Realize, and this may be obvious, that this is the beginning of what will likely be an ongoing series of discussions with your children. This is the beginning of a process of adjusting and readjusting to your new family situation.

For more articles by and information about Dr. Richman see http://www.drraf.com/

Editor’s Note: Occasionally we receive comments or stories from people that need and deserve to be heard and/or offered advice. We have therefore decided to open a new category on this site titled “Parents Seeking Advice”. The purpose would be to offer you, our readers, a place where you could speak out and get heard - and more importantly, receive advice or hear the opinions of real people who have been through similar experiences.

If you are interested in sharing your story with others, please send us your questions or stories to yourchildyourdivorce@gmail.com. Personal information of the contributor will remain anonymous at all times. Thank you.  

“My grandson is 8.  My daughter and his dad divorced right after he was born with hypo-plastic left heart syndrome.
 
The reason for the divorce was that he moved his girlfriend into their home while Christie, my daughter was away.  He has remarried and has two beautiful girls and a good wife, now allthough not at first.  Now after 6 years he has left her and moved in with another woman with two kids.  They live in a two bedroom apartment which is beyond filthy and the five children sleep in one bedroom when Josh is there.  They are talking about letting him sleep in the closet.  This week my daughter went to pick him up and the house was dirtier than usual.  When she walked thru the hall the girlfriend was standing in the bathroom completely naked with the door open for all the kids to see.  What can we do to protect these children?  They have never lived like this before.”

Editor’s Note: Occasionally we receive comments or stories from people that need and deserve to be heard and/or offered advice. We have therefore decided to open a new category on this site titled “Parents Seeking Advice”. The purpose would be to offer you, our readers, a place where you could speak out and get heard - and more importantly, receive advice or hear the opinions of real people who have been through similar experiences.

If you are interested in sharing your story with others, please send us your questions or stories to yourchildyourdivorce@gmail.com. Personal information of the contributor will remain anonymous at all times. Thank you.  

“My wife and I are about to separate and divorce.  It is quite amicable,
except for the fact that I still love my wife with all my heart.  While no
one has cheated or abused the other, I have come to understand (with a
therapist’s help) that I have made serious mistakes that are primarily the
cause of the failure of our marriage.  My wife was very reluctant to admit
that, wanting to share the responsibility, but it has become clear that I
have failed her badly.

Obviosuly, I have worked through some serious, difficult moments accepting
it all.  But in the end, she feels hurt and emotionally drained and ready
for divorce.  After months of therapy and open, sincere discussion, I have
surrendered to her desire, rather than try and trap her in a failed,
unfulfillng marriage.  I accept that she does not love me anymore, and she
accepts that I will surrender to her demand for a divorce, but still love
her deeply.

We have two children, ages five and two.

Just before I surrendered, I made a desparate plea for mercy.  I had not
planned to do any such thing.  I had put on my shorts and t-shirt and
running shoes to go running, she spoke to me and my heart got the best of
me.  I knelt at her feet and begged for mercy.  I was under the impression
that the children were with their Aunt.  They were not.  The five year old
came into the room and saw daddy kneeling on bare knees at Mommy’s feet,
trembling, hands clasped.  Mommy was standing over daddy, arms folded,
looking down on her fallen spouse.

The child refuses to say much of any consequence in the aftermath.  We don’t
know how best to approach it.  My wife is more upset with me than ever and I
am filled with regret.

Please believe me.  Despite my failures, I do love my wife dearly and my
children.  I am truly sorry for all of my mistakes, and I have surrendered
to my wife to allow the divorce to happen.

Now we need to know how to approach our five-year old.

Please don’t use my real name in print.

Thank you.”

As a single parent, are you concerned about how your divorce has effected your teenager? Are you looking for some guidance as a single parent of a teenager? Here are 7 parenting mistakes to avoid as a single parent of a teenager.

Being a single parent inherently comes with challenges.  As a counselor, often single parents ask what mistakes they need to avoid when parenting their teenager.  Many single parents are concerned about any consequences of their divorce that could negatively affect their teenager.  Here are some common mistakes to avoid:

Mistake 1:  Lying to them

Honesty is always best, especially when parenting teenagers.  First, today’s teenagers are quite savvy and know when they are being conned.  Also, dishonesty only destroys trust, which is something that is needed most during this transitional time.

Mistake 2:  Avoiding discipline

Wherever there is a lack of any discipline, there is manipulation. Dictionary.com provides this definition of discipline, “Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.” Notice the emphasis on improved character rather than punishment.

Mistake 3:  Eliminate any structure or routine

Divorce is a transitional time for everyone involved.  Each person’s routine is adversely affected.  A structured home environment filled with routines and chores provides a sense of order and ownership.  This is beneficial particularly if there is chaos resulting from the divorce.

Mistake 4:  Forget about them

As a single parent, you are forced to wear many hats and fill many different roles - often simultaneously.  In addition, you are in the midst of trying to provide a stable home environment, work full time, and recover from the emotional adjustment of a being a single parent.  In the midst of this, I encourage you to find some time to be intentional on spending time with your teenager on a regular basis.  Help them to see that you are available to them, and concerned about any needs they may have.

Mistake 5:  Continue fighting with your former spouse

If a marital relationship has been turbulent, then many teenagers anticipate a divorce will bring about a much needed sense of peace.  However, if conflict continues after divorce has been finalized then your teenager may experience some emotional difficulty adjusting to the divorce.  As much as you are able, try to keep any discussions with your former spouse cordial and focused on your teenager.

Mistake 6: Don’t get them any outside help

Divorce can affect teenagers in many different ways.  Some may open up emotionally and sharing their feelings freely.  However, others may withdraw from family and friends and become reclusive.  Others may enter into some behavioral problems that may have not been there before. If you have any concerns about how your teenager is recovering from the divorce then I encourage you to seek out a qualified professional counselor.

Mistake 7:  Assuming nothing is wrong

Another common parenting mistake is to assume that your teenager has been completely untouched by the divorce.  There lives seem undisturbed as if the divorce is a minor incident in the tapestry of their lives.  And this is true for many teenagers. However, there are others that will give the appearance that all is well, when in fact the opposite is the case.  They may do this to save face for them, or they can react this way to give their parents one less thing to worry about.  Communicate with your teenager on an ongoing basis about his/her feelings about their new life and its challenges.

Are you looking for more common sense advice, practical solutions and even humor for parenting your teen? I invite you to check out http://www.parentingyourteenager.com/ where you will find tips for parenting teens, school, curfew, and more! Terre Grable is a licensed professional counselor. She enjoys helping parents and teens become better friends when they feel like enemies.

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