Your Child - Your Divorce

Emotions

Children can experience a wide range of feelings when their parents divorce, such as sadness, anger, loneliness, bewilderment and anxiety. Children usually hide these feelings from their parents.

A lot of children fear that they caused the break up and they need reassurance that this isn’t the case.

Both parents should minimize the conflict around the child and try to encourage the child’s relationship with the other parent.

Remember that it isn’t just you going through the divorce, and be prepared to understand your child’s needs and feelings. It may be advantageous to get outside help for you and your child. It is important for you both not to feel alone. Encourage discussion of what is happening and try to avoid sending your child away out of the situation as this just adds to the confusion.

Breaking the News

Most children will have already realised that something is not right in their parent’s relationship and that there is a change in the atmosphere.

Choosing the right time to break the news of the divorce is hard. You need to pick a time where there will be no interruptions. Try to make sure the child has had no other stress around this time.

It helps if both parents are present when you decide to tell your child, so you can both answer any questions the child may have and so that there are no conflicting stories about what has happened. Allow the child plenty of time to recover from the news.

Try to ensure that the basic arrangements about the separation are already in place such as visiting, moves, etc.

Make sure that you reassure the child that it is still okay to talk about the other parent. Encourage them to ask questions about the situation and what will happen in the future. Reiterate to your child that in no way is it their fault that the marriage is ending and that it is okay to be upset.

There are many divorce counselling services available designed specifically for children that you may like to consider. Meeting up with other people who have also been through the same situation can also lessen the feeling of loneliness, and help you to realise that you are not the only person that this has happened to.

Effects from Divorce

Divorce can affect children in a variety of ways, many of which can cause long term problems if not recognised and dealt with immediately. Some children can encounter emotional problems such as withdrawing into a shell or becoming aggressive. They can end up suffering from depression or developing behavioural problems. At school they can suffer a decrease within their academic performance and teachers may notice a change in the child’s relationships with their friends.

A normally well behaved, popular, committed student may turn into a disruptive, aggressive pupil who fails to pay attention in lessons.

As well as discussing the divorce with the parents, it may help the child talk about it with the rest of the family and their friends, as well as a counselor or child helplines. There are a number of books available on the subject, both fiction and non-fiction and designed for different ages. There are also a number of websites that discuss the process of divorce.

See also Recommended Help 

How to deal with your children’s anxieties over celebrating Christmas with separated parents.

By Karen Grais Meyer, MSW, LCSW

Holidays can be a time to anticipate with excitement and happiness, or with anxiety and sadness, depending on what is happening in your life and family. For children of separated and divorced parents, the holidays are often a time of mixed emotions. The following are some common feelings children have:

1. Uncertainty about where they will be spending the holidays.
   For children whose parents have separated since the previous holiday season, they may not know where they will be spending Thanksgiving, the first night of Chanukah, and/or Christmas. Some children do not want to ask their parents about this, because they think it might upset their parents to talk about it, or the children themselves may not want to face the reality of how these holidays will be different from years past.
2. “I wish I could split myself in two.”
   These are the words of one little girl I talked to, and a feeling acknowledged by many other children. It is natural for children to want things to be “the same” as in the past, which means being with both parents for the holidays. While there are eight nights of Chanukah, and Christmas can be shared as Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, Thanksgiving is one day with one big meal or it is divided between two parents. Dividing a one-day holiday between two homes can be overwhelming, some kids tell me, because they feel so many emotions in a short period of time. Some families have found that it works better when one parent celebrates the holiday on the day before or after the actual holiday.
3. “When I’m with my mom, I miss my dad, and when I’m with my dad, I miss my mom.”
   While this is a common feeling of children — especially young ones — during times of separation throughout the year, this feeling may be most intense during the holidays.
4. Relief.
   They may feel relieved that the holidays will be calmer and less stressful than when their parents were together, and either arguing or not speaking at all. With the relief may come the fun of knowing that, since their parents live in two homes, they get two celebrations!

Helping your children through the holidays

1. Have a plan in place for the holidays at least one month in advance, and share that plan with the children. It is unsettling for them not to know about when they will be with Mom, Dad, grandparents and cousins for the holidays.
2. Be understanding if your child expresses sadness that the holidays may not be “as good as” they were before, but emphasize that while the holidays may not be the same, they can still be good. Some family traditions can be maintained in each parent’s home and each extended family, and new traditions can be established as well.
3. Be aware that your child may be missing the parent he/she is not with on a holiday; ensure that the child has contact with that parent, such as by telephone, if at all possible.
4. Keep in mind that the holidays are part of a “season”, and most of them are not just one day; therefore, there are many opportunities during the holiday season to carry on traditions that the family has enjoyed, such as visiting Santa, decorating the tree, having a Chanukah party, and the like.
5. Some children worry about the parent they will not be with on a holiday; if you are that parent, assure them that you will be okay, and share with them the plans that you have made to have a good time.
6. If you are concerned that your children may be experiencing any of the above feelings, or others not mentioned, they will be relieved to know that it is okay to talk about it and that you understand. If they convince you that they are not experiencing any of the feelings mentioned, you will be relieved from worrying.

Karen Grais Meyer is a licensed clinical social worker with Counseling Connection; her offices are in Lake Bluff and Highland Park, Illinois.

By: Abby Johnson

No studies can really tell us how your particular baby or toddler will react to your divorce; each baby is unique. Babies are born with their basic personality, namely, his or her own particular way of eating, sleeping and eliminating. These basic qualities determine how this little individual will react to stressful situations, from infancy all the way to adulthood. Basically, the baby at birth has all the qualities for the personality that will come later.

Baby temperaments may vary, but the need for consistency and love during these first vulnerable years is important to every baby. For example, in visitation, a baby under two should not be moved between parents, but should stay in one home while the absent parent visits him.

A baby needs a relationship with a “primary caretaker,” one adult who provides a consistent relationship. Psychologists have found that young babies develop human attachment by bonding with just one person. It’s all right to have many people in a baby’s life, but there must be one constant person so he or she can develop a bond. Be very careful not to use your baby as a pawn in your divorce. There was a recent article about a baby that was regularly “kidnapped” by one parent from the other. The mother said she was the better parent and the baby belonged with her. The father said the mother suffered from postpartum depression, and the baby would be better off with him and his girlfriend. But neither parent was truly consistent in bonding with the baby. And this baby was born prematurely, so he was especially in need of consistent bonding.

It is particularly important that a single parent tries to avoid the temptation to over or under-parent a baby. Babies do need stimulation and cuddling, but they also need peace and tranquility. If a parent is distant emotionally, and ignores a baby’s cry, the baby will sense this and become irritated or tense. Or a parent will often use the baby as a source of their own comfort after a divorce, effectively transmitting their own anxiety to the baby. This, too, can make the baby irritated and tense. Babies will pick up on the parent’s anxiety during the divorce process, and then this anxiety becomes the baby’s, as well.

Sometimes the parent is just too preoccupied or depressed and cannot effectively care for the infant or the divorce is causing too much chaos in the household. At these times the baby may be better off staying temporarily with a guardian or relative until the parent is ready for full-time parenting. The parent who needs to do this may feel guilty about their perceived inability to cope, but it’s far better for the baby to live in a secure environment outside of the home and then return to it later when the environment is more stable.

Babies are very resilient, and they can endure, even when faced with early stress. Many children, through the years, have grown up emotionally whole and psychologically strong, even though they may have had adverse childhood experiences. And even those babies who do suffer emotional abandonment do not have to carry the wounds through a lifetime. Child development experts agree, if the child’s circumstances improve and change, especially during the crucial ages of two and six, the negative effects of early childhood neglect can be reversed.

About the Author

Abby Johnson is a staff writer at http://www.family-review.com and is an occasional contributor to several other websites, including www.lifestylegazette.com.

Photo courtesy of Angries Out

A psychologist who has dealt with the pain of many children whose parents act irrationally during divorce tells it like it is!

Lynne Namka, Ed. D. © 2000

It is tough to be a child of divorced parents. It is absolutely terrifying to be the child of divorced parents who are at war with each other! Divorce hurts. It is a terrible thing to have happen to a family. Everyone gets hurt, but children remain scarred for years when parents continue the war. Research shows that negative behaviors from parents act after a divorce can cause more problems to a child than the divorce itself.

There are three ways of acting that divorcing parents can make. These three ways of acting during and after a divorce are (1.) Argumentative, (2.) Disengagement, (3.) Cooperating. The type of arrangement that you engage in, is directly related to the level of your maturity.

People who are getting divorced often try to control the person they are divorcing. Rationally, this makes no sense. If you couldn’t change your spouse when you were married to them, there is no way you can force change on them now. You can’t win by demanding, yelling or saying bad things about your ex. Anger only escalates the conflict in the situation and then both sides dig their heels in and the child loses. Read the rest of this entry »

Unfortunately, child custody battles are often part of bitter divorces. If you and your spouse can’t reach an agreement about custody, you need to prepare yourself in the event that your custody case goes to trial.

Today, it can no longer be assumed that the mother will get custody of the children. Instead, what judges consider during a custody trial is based on the “best interests of the child”, and they try to give custody to the parent who will provide the best environment and upbringing for the children.

To win your child custody case, you will need to prove to the judge that it is in the best interest of the children to be with you. In preparing for a custody case, be aware that your parenting skills and daily interactions with your children will be thoroughly inspected by a judge. Just telling the judge that you are a good parent won’t be enough. You need provide documentation and testimony from witnesses to back up your parental capabilities.  Read the rest of this entry »

Posted on 30th December 2006
Under: Post-Divorce Parenting, Explaining Divorce to Your Child | No Comments »