Your Child - Your Divorce

By Sheri Gray

Have you ever heard day to day kidnapping news revolving around events like a mother kidnapping her own son from her businessman husband who abused their child? Or maybe you have heard cases like this: about a stepfather who kidnaps his step daughter then takes her out of the country to force his wife to pay him a fortune in order to get her back?

These types of cases of kidnapping are known as Parental Kidnapping, to be precise. While some people do it to free their children from abusive and tyrant spouses others do it deliberately for financial gain. Other reasons for parental kidnapping include neglecting the spouses needs, abuse of the children by the spouse, endangerment of the child and injustice.

Some parents feel that they have been ill-treated during the legal battle for the custody of their child. As a result they kidnap the child to satisfy their ego or they cannot do without their children.

A survey by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (NCMEC) has revealed that over 300,000 children are abducted every year. This huge number reflects how laws are needed, and they must be made very stringent in order to convict the offenders and instill fear in people who are planning similar acts.

In addition, one of the worst parts of kidnapping attempts is the effect on the children due to all this. It can cause serious harm for his future development including emotional development, bad behavior in school, malnutrition and violent tendencies.

Help and Resources

There is hope and help. Via the Internet, you can access the NCMEC site and speak to a Call Center Specialist if you have speakers and a microphone with your computer. You can also insert the NCMEC RSS feed into your feed reader to keep abreast of missing children. Stay in tune with Amber alerts, too, either via wireless or other channels. And you can also register to volunteer in your area should a child ever turn up missing; handling out posters, handling phone calls, etc.

Learn more and reach out by writing to: National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, Charles B. Wang International Children’s Building, 699 Prince Street, Alexandria, Virginia 22314-3175 USA. Call them at: (703) 274-3900; or fax: (703) 274-2200; or visit them online at: http://www.missingkids.com . Report any information about kidnapping attempts and parental kidnapping to their 24-hour Hotline by dialing: (800) THE-LOST (1-800-843-5678).

Having a child abducted is the biggest fear a parent can face, and no parent wants to even imagine this situation presenting itself. To assist the authorities with locating a missing child, the use of a child identification kit can speed up the return of a loved one. The first 48 hours are the most critical when it comes to locating and saving a missing child. A preferred Child Identification Kit usually contains the following vital information for your child, recent photos, fingerprints, dental records, hair samples and other pertinent information about your child in one secure and convenient location. This could save the life of a child!
About The Author

By Linda Freedman, PHD

Let’s take the case of Ellie. (all names, all ages, all identifyers are made up in this post).

She’s 9. Her parents divorced when she was 6 because they argued about everything and occasionally couldn’t control themselves, pushed and shoved too much. Her father grabbed her mother’s mother and bruised her badly in the final event that ended the marriage.

But Ellie thought all along (as I’ve said in other posts on parenting and divorce) that it was her fault that her parents divorced. Many of their arguments, and she heard SO many, centered around her. Drawing conclusions at that age isn’t as hard as you’d think.

Well, Mom and Grandmom moved far away, taking Ellie with them, which is not at all unusual. Dad had to work the legal system hard to get his little girl back in Chicago. He still only had visitation every other weekend. But at least Ellie was here, living with Mom and Grandmom, and oh, yes, and Mom’s significant other was never far away.

If you’re thinking family systems and are not automatically villifying Dad, assuming he’s a violent monster, then you might see that Grandmom played an inordinately large role in that marriage. In this case it was her advice about raising Ellie that conflicted with Dad’s, and Mom could not extricate herself from the conflict, couldn’t side with her boy.

There were other things going on, too. Usually divorce isn’t a consequence of just one variable, especially not the enmeshment variable, which seems so normal to people. Couples will more likely blame their relationship problems on outside relationships. Other significant others are usually a function of relationship/family problems, like . . . enmeshment.

Knowing that Grandmom played a large role in the marriage, you can assume that she also will play a large role in the couple’s post-divorce conflict. Divorce rarely ends the conflict, not without lots of smudging and dirt.

Should you bring Grandmom into the therapy?

She has an overly large presence in the narrative so certainly you want to see if and how Grandmom enmeshed Mom and how Ellie is also discouraged from developing into her own person. You can test that to a degree by finding out how well socialized Ellie is with other children, whether or not she does anything after school except homework and television.

But I’d bring Grandmom in just to confirm my guess and watch her in action, give her power to decide that Ellie needs more running room outside the family and how that should happen. Rather that fight a system, I work with it.

I’d try not to see her too often, though. She wouldn’t be one of my favorite persons and she’s not my patient. I’m not changing her or her world view and wouldn’t begin to try unless she really wants to work with me. I really don’t need her to get results, but she could, ultimately, really help the situation if she were amenable.

The judge ordered therapy in this case because Ella stuttered and was failing in Chicago, even though she did quite well in school prior to her move back into town.

I taught her some assertiveness, encouraged her to speak her feelings to her Mom, Grandmom, and Dad, more often, to make it a general habit.

See, and people wonder, why don’t you do much play therapy, Therapydoc? I feel guilty stealing, is why. Most kids need social skills training, not to play with a grown-up person, unless it’s their Mom or Dad. Truthfully, I will do play therapy when a kid isn’t verbal, but Ellie could talk and wanted to talk.

I coaxed her to ask her teacher for help. When the teacher said, Try it first on your own, she was to answer back and say, I already tried. I just don’t get it. Please help me. That worked, by the way. It made the teacher more aware of Ellie as a person, put her on the map.

How do I know? Systems therapists talk to teachers who are key players in a kid’s ecosystem. I don’t get it that other docs can’t spend ten minutes on the phone with teachers. You know who you are. Sorry if this is becoming a rant. Ignore me.

But don’t ignore this.

I titled this post Divorce or no divorce-your kid because I’m sure Ellie would have stuttered and had problems in school no matter her parents’ marital status.

Just being married is no lock on your kid’s sense of security and well-being. You have to be on top of that as parents. Security doesn’t come with the umbrella of “marriage” or even “committment”.

I bring this up here because one of the things Ellie told me in private was that her father didn’t call her very often. Dad SAID he’d call to help her with school work twice a week, but he forgot. And Mom didn’t have the skills to help her and very much left the job of teaching to the school. She also had a one-year old baby.

So when Ellie would be sitting at her desk and the teacher would pass back the homework and hers would have a big ZERO or a big fat F at the top, she would cry there silently, then force herself to smile and to try to socialize as if there was nothing wrong.

And at the end of the day, her Mom or Grandmom might ask, I really think they did, How was school? How were your grades? But Ellie wouldn’t share that experience with them.

After all, how easy is it to talk about failure at any age?

Then there’s Dad, forgetting to call. Yeah, I could have strangled him. He was the one bringing Ellie to therapy. He was the one with insurance, a house in the burbs, the better communicator.

So here’s the real universal parenting truth, Divorced or not divorced, your kid needs that emotional check up at the end of the day.

Like you, your kids need to hear questions like, Did the world give you a beating today? How are those kids in your class? Any mean ones? Anyone mean to you? How ’bout that teacher. Nice? They’re not all nice. Are you scared to ask for something if you need it, like a pencil?

If you act like you care, they’ll answer you honestly. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to run right over and fix the problem. But you have to take your kid’s emotional temperature. Then you can go from there.

By the way. Start this while they’re young and you won’t seem like an alien to the kid during adolescence, all of a sudden going, Why in the world are you hanging around with THAT kid!

For kids, learning to talk about their lives, their day, is liberating and intimate. That’s why once they get into it, they want a PHONE. Academic (work) intimacy is key and it’s your job as a parent to foster the process, the skill of communicating events and feelings.

We don’t all do it naturally, you know, talk about ourselves.

About the Author:

Linda Freedman, LCSW, LMFT, PhD is in private practice in Chicago.  She blogs to rewire the way people think and is available to speak about almost about anything that affects mental health, relationships, and family life.  Read more at EveryoneNeedsTherapy: TheBlog

It can happen in many ways. Sometimes, suddenly, out of the blue, with no warning whatsoever. Other times, the music slowly, gradually, fades to a deafening silence.

Divorce is the great plague on American families today. More than 40% of adults under 40 are children of divorced parents. The U.S. now has the highest divorce rate (roughly 44%) of the Western nations, though it’s slightly declining. Avoiding it, preparing for it and dealing with the consequences of when the music stops involve millions of us every day.

Here in France, where the “use” of a lover is accepted and frequent, the current divorce rate is 39%, having more than tripled since 1970. The trend is alarming. Even the French find their own institution of marriage “moins formidable” than before.

Sitting in this near-empty café, I’m struck how the odds those lovers smooching on the Seine might marry, but then divorce, has shot up like my blood pressure now, thanks to my less-than-attentive waiter. Infidelity, financial strains, sexual problems, parenting differences, poor anger management, career incompatibility and, of course, the catch-all “irreconcilable differences,” cause marriages to dissolve and families to suffer.

Perhaps the pain becomes too great. Or the notion things are hopeless and won’t change, or it will take too long and be too much work cause couples to pull the plug, give up. Hopelessness is a powerful force, robbing us of energy and initiative.

Of course, the stressful consequences of divorce can be devastating emotionally, financially and on any children. How parents inform their children and negotiate future parenting responsibilities affect how children will react to the news.

It’s best to tell your children together, simply, honestly and directly. Don’t go into detail about why or bash your spouse. It’s okay to reveal your sadness, while allowing them to also show their feelings. If you’re separating and not sure about divorce, don’t make predictions or promises you can’t keep. Try to keep things as consistent as possible.

Let your children know they’re not responsible, that nothing they’ve done is causing the separation, and they can’t do anything to make you get back together. Do not use your children as communication go-betweens. Assure them you both love them and will continue to take care of them.

Most people entering marriage expect it to last. Success worth having is worth fighting for…through both the exhilarating highs and mind-numbing lows.

Barring physical abuse, couples can repair and improve their marriages. I’ve seen ‘em do it countless times in San Diego marriage counseling. Sometimes it’s quicker and easier than expected. Sometimes it takes time.

Well, the music between my now-empty café waiter and me has dropped to one decibel. Clearly, he has more important things to do than attend to beaucoup-euros-paying little ol’ me. I consider divorcing him (C’est la vie, c’est la guerre), but decide to give it another shot. Monsieur!…pardon, monsieur!

Okay, I’ve had enough. The music’s died. I’m leaving. Hey, bud, Happy Bastille Day! Wait! Mon Dieu, he’s coming over! I hear music.

Before you bid adieu to your duet, consider the assistance of an experienced, well-regarded marriage counselor.

For more information:
Marriage Counseling - San Diego County
Advance Counseling - Denver/Boulder

About The Author

Dr. Marshall Colt is Executive Director of Advance Counseling, LLC in San Diego, serving clients since 1994. Licensed in California, Colorado and Florida, Dr. Colt has been in private practice for over 11 years, working with a variety of people dealing with the challenges of adolescence and adult life. See: http://www.advance-counseling.com.

The divorce is finally over.

No more fighting over who gets to keep the home and other real estate. Those leather couches, and the expensive art hanging on the walls of your summer home. A drop in the bucket compared to the company that both of you slaved over to build or the family pet that made your kids so happy. But even now, all that looks small compared to the most important issue of all: child custody. But hey—all of this is over. Resolved. Now you can breathe a sigh of relief. You’ve probably been wondering about your future – without your x. Yes, being single again definitely has its benefits. Maybe you’re going out more, enjoying life, and watching your diet. It’s those little things you haven’t enjoyed in a long time that suddenly make life worth living–again.

Most people who choose divorce and feel this kind of relief, are –in the end–happy with the decision they made. What you both needed was peace. And now you have it. And happy to have a new chance to find that RIGHT special someone to build a life together. But that’s not where the story ends. You might wake up one day, and feel like changing your life completely. Maybe you decide that your financial security and personal happiness are somewhere, anywhere other than where you are right here and now. Somewhere outside of New York you may be thinking. Maybe a better job is waiting in another state. Maybe you have health reasons or better yet, a new relationship. A voice deep in your heart keeps telling you to move. So maybe you do need a new start: to realize your dreams, to focus on your career, and to build a new home. You have every right to want to leave the old memories behind. But how can you do that when you see the same places you once shared? And with someone who may have broken your heart. So, a new opportunity and a new chance to build a new life in a new state with new friends sounds great. Even Newsweek lists the ten best cities to go live in. You might be thinking that you’ll go to the web looking for info sites detailing how to build a healthy home. Now, maybe you decided your destiny is to live with the stars under the shining lights of Hollywood. And well, hey at least the weather is nicer, the water is clean and the sand is soft. Right? But what about your fantastic plans to leave the country? If you plan on taking the kids anywhere out of the country or even out of the state, here’s what you need to consider.

Planning is everything.

First, leaving with your kids without permission from your x spouse, is against the law. In fact, it’s a serious felony called “Parental Kidnapping”. Most attorneys know very well that the FBI works in cooperation with local law enforcement agencies to ensure that parental kidnappers are brought to justice. They are arrested. They are prosecuted. And they are sent to prison. Unfortunately, some parents think more with their heart than their minds. The result? A tragedy for everyone. Parents–no matter how good their intentions– who get arrested for kidnapping their own children, have to hire a criminal defense lawyer. But wait–that’s money that could be better spent improving your life. Not exactly what you had in mind. So how do you take your children legally without hassles and headaches?

What does the law say?

First, if possible, get permission. If asked nicely, maybe your x-spouse would agree to give you sole custody of your child and eliminate the need to proceed to Court. If you obtain sole custody this way, you do not need to read on because you are almost home. However, if that is not possible then your former spouse may agree on a joint custody agreement with a passport waiver clause. Such a clause would allow you to apply for a passport on behalf of your child without the need to consult with your former spouse, and thereby giving you the option of going abroad on vacation, with your child - in peace. However, if your mission is to live with you child permanently out of state, the custody agreement needs to say that– exactly and clearly. In New York, the law says that barring parental permission, a spouse or a custodial parent may take the children out of the state by Court Order. Usually, when there’s been a difficult relationship between both x- spouses, one spouse will not permit the other to take the kids out of state, much less the country. In these situations, the former spouse may try to use your desire to move as an opportunity to get money from you. The usual offer is that they’ll let you leave the state, if you agree to drop all child support proceedings or any existing child support court orders. If that happens to you, the most logical step is to go to Court. Normally, a Family Court Judge decides whether or not the relocation out of state with the child would be allowed.

It’s your choice - use your voice.

Understanding the practical reasons behind the legal challenges that you’ll face, are easier to accept when you fully appreciate the intentions behind them. The way the courts see it, in you taking your child outside of the state of New York, you are effectively denying your x-spouse their visitation rights. They think that this basically deprives your former spouse of a meaningful opportunity to maintain a close relationship with your kids. Now you may say that your x-spouse is welcome to visit anytime, or that you’ll send the child back to New York anytime that your x wants. And in order to do this you may ultimately be prepared to drive the kids cross state lines, both to and from your former spouse’s home (like taking a cross-country road trip every weekend). Maybe the fact that your move would make it much more difficult for your former spouse to exercise their visitation rights does not entirely dampen your desire for geographical relocation. However, you should understand that a court must seriously consider the well being of the child first and foremost. Specifically, they consider the following seven issues:

1. Whether the move would be in the child’s best interest.

2. Whether it is feasible for your former spouse to make a similar move to the same state.

3. Whether your move involves an economic hardship or necessity. (e.g. a job offer).

4. Whether your move involves a new marriage to someone who lives in the state where you’re moving.

5. Whether you’re moving for health and medical reasons.

6. Whether your move will negatively impact the relationship between the child and your x.

7. Whether your former spouse has a good faith reason for opposing the move.

There’s one part of this that really isn’t understood by most parents, is the “Best Interest Test”. This test is the way the Courts try to understand the effect that the move may have on any of your family relationships. In determining what the child needs most, the courts generally look at many things. For example, whether your move will hurt your child’s ties to your former spouse and the community. These reasons are generally looked at by the court only when those ties are very strong. So if your child has a hard time getting along with your former spouse (and the blame is not attributed to you) then those possibilities are not weighed as heavily.

Sample Case.

If your parents and your former spouse’s parents are also in New York and you’re planning on moving to New Jersey, then it’s also likely that your children will not see their grandparents as much as they would have in the past. The quality of the parental relationship usually suffers as a result of moving. The same is true of your child’s relationship with their grandparents. If your child has a hard time getting along with their grandparents (and the court decides is not your fault) then you have a better case for getting court approval for the move. However, most judges usually have enough experience to know when the former spouses are trying to hurt each other by proposing or opposing a residential move. Generally, although a court may deny you of the right to move with the kids, most “good faith requests” are seldom denied.

In the end, it all works out.

Ultimately, it’s the courts who determine, with the help of your lawyer, (and based on all of the proof you have) whether you have proven that the welfare of your child will not be hurt by a move.

About The Author

Odalis M. Encarnacion, is a New York City Family Lawyer in private practice. For more information you may call him @ (718) 651-5283 or visit him on the web: http://www.encarnacionlaw.com. info@encarnacionlaw.com

By Elizabeth A. Einstein, MA/LMFT  

Remarriage with children is challenging! Ask anyone living in a stepfamily. Or ask professionals who work with these complex and vulnerable families.

Yet most adults enter the world of stepfamily living woefully unprepared, as evidenced by the 60 percent remarriage divorce rate in America. While not all those divorces involve stepfamilies, most do, touching the lives of many children. Already, the re-organization of their families—by death, divorce, single-parent living, or remarriage–has created much loss and change for children. Eager to start anew, many adults become too close, too soon. Or they get involved with someone with whom they are out of sync; one person has been single for some time and is ready to move on; the other is barely out of the marriage, some not even legally. Usually these scenarios set up formulas failure as they attempt to work two processes at the same time—goodbyes and hellos.

Using time wisely between relationships is used is the most important investment individuals can make. A successful stepfamily depends upon how well adults prepare themselves and their children, so the courtship becomes far more complex the second—or third—time around. Yet unaware and uninformed adults spend more time choosing dresses, flowers, and the food for the wedding “event” but fail to focus on what’s really important—the marriage and future family they’ll create.

If I ran the world, people would have to meet strong requirements before they could marry or have children—the hardest jobs ever. Because of the stepfamily’s inherent challenges, these mandates would become more stringent before remarriage.  Adults would take classes on communication, child-rearing, family commitment, and stepfamily living because, after all, these folks provide the foundation for our most important institution—the family. Rather than pursuing politics with such an unpopular agenda, my life’s passion is as a marriage and family therapist and teacher–a skills builder to help strengthen stepfamilies. They could better master the challenges if they’d prepare more wisely—and that includes helping their children complete their grief about their changed families.

Resolved endings are important for new beginnings. Divorce counseling helps couples work through anger and guilt to achieve an “emotional divorce” so parents can better support their children. The powerful processes of meditation and collaborative law guide adults through non-adversarial divorce in ways they allow them to maintain self-respect–and respect for the other parent of their children. This investment ultimately provides the foundation for a healthy new stepfamily.

Four tasks exist to the remarriage preparation process: Resolving, rebuilding, re-linking, and remarrying. Because they involve healing an important loss, however a relationship ends, the first two are crucial. It is also the hardest. Research shows that death and divorce undeniably affect children throughout their lives.  Even if adults have the wisdom to seek counseling, many don’t include their children in the safe environment of family therapy where, together, everyone starts to process the changes their family is experiencing.

The “Rebuilding” stage” creates a paradox. Adults must become independent from a former spouse yet share co-parenting their children in a positive way. While friendship and compromise in parenting are a noble goal, not all divorced people can cooperate; but the resulting bitterness from horrendous court battles and unresolved feelings makes living in a new stepfamily even harder for children. When they feel caught between the two parents they love, such loyalty conflicts make it more difficult for children to build bonds with new stepparents. If I learn to like my new stepmom, they worry, will my mother be jealous?  Insecure, angry, or sad?

As adults consider remarriage, it’s time for both partners to check on unfinished business. While hidden agendas, unrealistic expectations, unresolved grief, and uninformed adults are among most the stepfamily’s serious stumbling blocks, the greatest challenge is dealing with discipline. Yet how many couples consider a parenting class during courtship? Or couple’s counseling to examine personal patterns or unresolved family of origin issues?  Could they improve communication skills as they interact with a new partner? True, classes and counseling don’t sound very romantic; but for those stepfamilies who intend to beat the statistics, love alone is simply not enough.

Ministers and members of faith communities have a special responsibility to support these vulnerable families by creating awareness and providing skills support before conducting ceremonies. After all, we want remarriages to work because they offer great strengths. Stepfamilies can succeed but they require strong, emotionally healed people with good skills and who have studied the “trail map” for their Stepfamily Journey ahead. Wimps need not apply!

Elizabeth Einstein, MA/LMFT is a Marriage & Family Therapist in Ithaca, NY. As one of America’s leaders in stepfamily education, she has written books and training programs to strengthen stepfamilies. Her newest book, Strengthening Your Stepfamily (Impact Publishers) was released last year. This month her new video-based “teach out of the box” Active Parenting for Stepfamilies, co-authored with Dr. Michael Popkin, a parenting expert is to be released February 2007 (Active Parenting). She was on the founding Board of the Stepfamily Association of America, now the National Stepfamily Resource Center.

Positive behavior after a negative divorce is hard to come by, let alone if there are children and babies in the failed marriage.

It takes a mature parent to put animosity and heartbreak aside to allow the ex-partner in the same room with him or her and their children. If there is an infant in the picture, however, this is exactly what that person needs to do, provided that the ex is mentally balanced and not violent.

Consistent physical custody is especially important for an infant, which means one or the other parent but usually the mother will have the baby with her at all times, at least until the baby is two to three years old. If the custody of the baby is shared, for the welfare of the baby, one of the partners has to be able to give up on the baby’s sleeping over in his house, because babies who are made to spend time in two different homes with two different parents will have problems bonding with their parents or with anyone else.

According to a California study, infants and babies who had overnight visits in two different homes with two different parents developed attachment problems in comparison with the infants and babies who saw their fathers during daytime visits. The babies who went back and forth between two parents were distrustful of everyone and could not handle the separations and meeting new people very well, because especially during the first year of life, a baby needs to attach to one primary parent figure and does not need the separation anxiety that comes from being toted from one home to another.

Although no two babies are alike, their needs for affection, consistency, and physical care are the same. To a new-born, mother and father are security; mother and father are the people the baby learns to rely on to be always there for him. For that feeling of security to develop properly, a baby needs constancy. Since in its essence divorce harms that constancy, parents need to put their differences aside and step in to make life as easy as possible for their baby; therefore, it is highly advisable for the divorced parents to allow the baby to stay with only one of them while the other parent pays daytime visits frequently.

A baby’s sensory tools are very sharp, especially when he is too little to learn communication through words. He senses the changes in his surroundings and the negative or positive feelings exchanged inside a room.

The divorced parents, no matter what their differences, need to be able to talk to each other in a civilized manner making their baby’s needs their priority. If one of the parents has an emotion control problem, then the other parent can see the baby in a more neutral environment such as in a friend’s house or a public place like a park or a diner with the baby’s primary parent present, since people are less likely to act out in a public place.

Important tips for divorced parents during visitation in their baby’s first year of life:

1. Stick to the business of parenting, even if you are suffering or you feel angry or you wish to act upon an ulterior motive like encouraging your ex to come back. Do not ever attempt to use the visitation time with the baby for a possible reconciliation.

2. Do not bring up past grievances; if you need to discuss any potentially explosive issues, for example child support, do it in a different time and place when the baby and the other children are not present.

3. Be honest and straightforward with your ex and stick to the issue at hand like teething or formula change. Especially when the baby and other children are there, don’t let any one issue lead you to a negative encounter. Your positive behavior encourages your ex to act the same way.

4. Be ready to compromise. If the visitation time and place needs a change, try to accommodate your ex.

5. Respect each other. By respecting each other, you are also teaching respect to your baby and other children if you have them

6. If you can, try to develop empathy for your ex. Try to imagine his or her difficulties.

7. If you have other children with the ex, stay away from giving them the finer details of your relationship with the ex. If the other children act on negative knowledge, that will affect the baby.

8. Do not feel guilty about the divorce and do not base your actions upon guilt feelings. If it was at all possible, you would make your marriage work; plus, children with happily divorced parents are better off than those children in an unhappy marriage.

9. If your ex has a new partner, try to establish a friendly relationship. The new partner will have an important role in your children’s lives.

10. Do not worry too much for things you cannot control. Babies are sturdy. Even if they are stressed earlier in life, they will develop well when their circumstances are improved.

About The Author

This article has been submitted by Joy Cagil in affiliation with http://www.BabyNameVote.Com/ Joy Cagil’s education is in linguistics, psychology, mental health, and visual arts. Her portfolio can be found at http://www.Writing.Com/authors/joycag

If you’re a divorced parent, avoid these 3 mistakes and create these 3 solutions when building character in your child. Your child will reward you with respect, trust, and love.

My parents divorced. At the time my father confided, “It’s just like a woman. When a man finally puts some money aside, his wife wants half and gets a divorce.” Dad forgot his part in causing the divorce. He forgot I was female, like my mother, and he forgot I loved my mother too.

If you’re a divorced parent, do you love your child more than you hate your ex-partner? Are you acting badly and would like to stop? Do you want to ease your child’s pain? If so, begin building character in yourself.

Half your child’s genes come from the other parent. This creates a serious bond between your child and your “ex.” When you put down your former partner, your child feels put down too. Below are 3 mistakes and 3 solutions divorced parents need to consider.

3 Mistakes Divorced Parents Need to Avoid for Building Character in Their Child:
Talking hatefully about the other parent:
This encourages your child’s support for the other parent.
This increases your child’s contempt for the things you say.
This earns your child’s disrespect for you.

Attempting to get your child to take your side:
This puts your child in the painful middle.
This causes your child to fight your attempts.
This encourages your child to take your “ex’s” side.

Fighting with your “ex” in front of your child:
This causes your child’s pain to deepen.
This fuels your child’s anger.
This increases your child’s insecurity and loneliness.

3 Solutions Divorced Parents Need to Embrace for Building Character in Their Child:
See things from your child’s viewpoint.
Hold your tongue in front of your child.
Work on building your own character.

If you’re a divorced parent remember that half your child’s genes draw from your former partner. Building character needs a balanced approach:
Let go of talking hatefully.
Let go of putting your child in the middle.
Let go of fighting in front of your child.

You’ll earn your child’s respect. You’ll earn your child’s trust. You’ll earn your child’s love. You’ll be building character too.

About The Author

Divorce can be tough on the entire family, especially when it is your kids or grandkids who are going through it. Couples divorcing are often not aware of the emotional effects of their divorce on the other family members.  As a parent, you want to help - but you dont want to (and sometimes cant) get involved. Divorce recovery is not easy on the family but here are some do’s, don’ts, and tips to help you handle things when your son or your daughter says, “Mom and Dad, I’m getting a divorce.”

By  Laura Johnson

1. Don’t become personally involved in your child’s divorce.
2. Don’t ask your friend, the lawyer, to represent your son or daughter.
3. Don’t go to meetings between your son or your daughter and his or her lawyer.
4. Don’t let your son’s or daughter’s divorce affect your relationship with your other children.
5. Don’t interfere with your son-in-law’s or daughter-in-law’s visitation rights with your grandchildren.
6. Don’t say bad or derogatory things about your child’s spouse in front of your grandchildren.
7. Control your protective instincts and avoid becoming caught up in the nastiness of the “he said-she said” side of divorce. Recognize that divorce and family break ups are highly charged emotional events and can easily erupt into violent situations. Take precautions to protect your family’s safety.
8. Do listen to your son or daughter if he or she confides in you about the break up of the marriage; be supportive, but don’t say things that will fuel feelings of anger, distrust, anxiety, or hopelessness.
9. Don’t help your child hide money or assets. If you’re caught, in addition to becoming a party to your child’s divorce or a legal action after the divorce, you could jeopardize your own assets.
10. Do pay extra attention to your grandchildren. Their mom and dad may become so caught up in their own feelings about the divorce, that they will unintentionally fail to spend enough time listening to and doing things with their children.
11. Realize that your grandchildren’s schedule of life will be drastically changed. They will be shuffled between dad’s home and mom’s home and each parent may jealously guard his or her time with the children. You may have to make special plans, weeks in advance for family get-togethers so that you have time with your grandchildren.
12. If either of your grandchildren’s parents will not let you have time with your grandchildren, learn about the grandparent visitation laws in your state, and take legal steps enforce those rights if necessary.
13. Your grandchildren need you during and after their parent’s divorce. Call them on the phone, write letters, send cards, and spend time with them.
14. If your son-in-law or your daughter-in-law will have custody of your grandchildren, talk to him or her about your access to your grandchildren. Understand that it will be probably be uncomfortable for everyone and that you may be met with resistance, resentment and suspicion. Plan, in advance, for ways you can reduce those feelings.
15. Become involved in making “new” family traditions for your child and grandchildren to replace those lost in the ending of your child’s marriage.
16. Attend your grandchildren’s special events, such as sports games, recitals, and school affairs where families are invited.
17. If there are allegations that your son or your daughter has abused or neglected your grandchildren, be prepared for the possibility that you may be ordered by the court to supervise his or her time spent with your grandchildren. Take this responsibility very seriously and assume that you will have to tell the judge, under oath, about what occurred during the times you supervised your child’s access to your grandchildren. During the time that you are charged with this responsibility, never leave your child alone with your grandchildren and be prepared for the possibility that you will become a target of your child’s spouse or ex-spouse.
18. Do help your child become educated about the divorce process, financial planning, child custody, and recovery from divorce.
19. If you own property, especially real estate, with your son and daughter be prepared to be named as a party to the divorce proceedings. This is so the court can “divide” the property in which you have an ownership interest.
20. If your son or your daughter moves into your home during the pendency of his or her divorce, set rules about household chores, payment of household bills, transportation, and payment for room and board. Have your child sign a lease evidencing your agreement and require regular payments.
21. If your grandchildren, as well as your child, live in your home during the pendency of your child’s divorce, discuss with your child how your grandchildren’s day care, transportation, discipline and social life will be handled.
22. If your child doesn’t have any money, receive sufficient financial support, or have enough income to pay for everything that he or she is supposed to, plan for the possibility that you may become a secondary source of financial support for your child and grandchildren.
23. If you loan your child money to pay for your child’s or your grandchildren’s living expenses, always do it with a promissory note. If possible, secure your loan with any property that your child may receive in the divorce or with your child’s future earnings. Make sure that you charge a reasonable rate of interest and expect monthly payments.
24. Plan for the possibility that your child may ask you for large sums of money to pay divorce lawyers and other costs of litigation. If you do provide money, always do it in the form of a loan, charge interest, and demand repayment, but expect that it will take a long time to get your money back, if you ever do. If possible, secure your loan with any property or fee award that your child may receive in the divorce.
25. Tell your child and your grandchildren that you love them. Give them lots of smiles, hugs and kisses. They need them more than ever during and after a divorce.

How the human-animal bond can help you survive your separation and divorce.

By Jane Nahirny

When Angela separated from Tom, her husband of ten years, she hoped the situation would be temporary. She rented an apartment, while Tom and their nine-year-old cat remained in the couple’s home. As weeks turned into months, with no reconciliation in sight, she began to exhibit all of the classic signs of depression. “I had crying jags in the morning before I went to work, I couldn’t sleep, and I was gradually withdrawing from family and friends,” she remembers. “Basically, I lost my zest for living.”

Then a colleague at work mentioned that her neighbor had kittens for sale. “I went to have a look, and I fell in love with two of them,” she says. Three weeks later, the kittens were hers, and within days, her depression had started to lift. “Suddenly, there was someone to welcome me home at the end of a long day, someone to laugh with, someone to care for again…They were a great, drug-free solution to my depression — kind of ‘pet Prozac,’ actually,” she smiles.

Angela’s story is far from unique. Numerous studies over the past 20 years have documented the positive power of pets on both our mental and physical health. A 1993 report in the Harvard Health Letter highlights some of these benefits: lower blood pressure, heart rate, and anxiety levels. The report also points to the fact that companion animals have more consistent behavior than their human counterparts. In other words, they offer their owners a genuine sense of unconditional love.

Unlike well-meaning friends and family, who often choose sides and offer “helpful” unsolicited advice to individuals who are in the throes of separation and divorce, animals are non-judgmental. “If you have the best day you’ve ever had, your dog will be there for you 100%,” says Eric Cline, Canadian director of the Grief Recovery Institute. “Conversely, if you’ve just had the worst day you’ve ever had, your pet will still be there. Better still — they’re intuitive. They seem to know immediately when you’ve had a rotten day.”

While there have been no studies that specifically deal with the role of pets during divorce, an experimental study conducted by Karen Allen, Ph.D., would seem to indicate that dogs can play a major role in guiding us safely through rocky periods in our lives. Allen, a researcher at the School of Medical & Biological Sciences, State of New York University at Buffalo, asked a group of women (admittedly, all self-described dog-lovers) to relate how dogs had influenced their lives. All of the participants mentioned ways in which they believed their pets had assisted them through events involving change or transition, including divorce and death of a spouse. “Several women in this group offered numerous examples of how their dogs provided a unique kind of support in times of divorce, in situations with co-workers, and in events involving illness,” Allen reports. “A recurring theme was the use of imagery of the dog in times of high stress, and there were consistent reports that when the dog was imagined, obstacles appeared less daunting and difficult tasks more possible.”

Simply put, animals provide an emotional anchor for individuals who have sailed into troubled waters. “They give people something to focus on other than themselves,” explains Carolyn Clark, director of HABAC (the Human-Animal Bond Association of Canada). Pets also make you feel needed. “When you’re feeling depressed, you may want to just stay in bed and pull the covers over your head,” she says. “But if you have a dog, for instance, you know that it needs to be fed and walked. So there’s some sense of stability and continuity there…there’s someone who needs your care.”

That sense of stability was a real lifesaver for Angela. Today, she is reunited with her husband, and she, Tom, and the three cats live together under one roof. “We don’t have children, so it’s like our own version of a blended family,” she laughs. Then turning more serious, she says: “I’ll always be grateful to my two cats for helping to pull me through a very difficult time.”

Channeling the power of pets

If animals have always been a part of your life, that continuity is probably going to be very helpful to you as you work through your situation, says Clark. “Everything else may be going to pieces, but animals provide a common thread, a structure, a routine that has to be followed.” Beyond the “chore” of caring for a pet, just being with an animal — sharing an evening walk with your dog or having a conversation with your cat — can be calming and meditative.

For Fiona, spending time with her horse is a form of meditation. “Sometimes, when I’ve had a really rotten day, I’ll head up to the barn and just brush Bailey,” she says. It’s very ‘Zen’ — those repetitive movements and patterns — and you can feel waves of pleasure radiating from the animal.” It takes about an hour to thoroughly groom a horse, she says, so by the time Bailey is gleaming, Fiona is feeling peaceful and happy. “Riding is another great stress-buster,” she adds. “Galloping across a grassy field blows off a lot of steam for both of us, and meandering along a forest path is immensely relaxing. All thoughts and worries disappear while I’m riding.”

Fiona found comfort in the horse world during her parents’ divorce (she was 14 at the time). “We didn’t have much money, so I worked at barns in exchange for riding,” she says. “Then the stable owner more-or-less gave me Bailey, and I worked in exchange for board.” Paying for the upkeep of a horse while going to school was a huge responsibility for the teen, but she was happy to face the challenge. “It has been totally worth it,” she says. “Bailey has gotten me through some very tough times.”

Bailey and Fiona have been a team for more than a decade now,and they seem exquisitely tuned to each other’s moods. “Horses are very empathic,” asserts Fiona. “They pick up and then act on your moods — which is why it’s so important to remain calm while you’re riding or grooming. For me, riding is a perfect combination of meditation and exercise.”

Pets and kids

As Fiona discovered, companion animals can also help ease a child’s passage through divorce. According to the Delta Society, an international resource for the human-animal bond, pets appear to “lessen the loneliness that occurs when children provide their own self care, and children with a strong pet bond score higher on empathy for other children than do children without pets. This may have significant implications for the future — if these children can reach adulthood and retain their empathy, they may have an easier time coexisting with others, and be less apt to suffer from loneliness.”

Chris was thirteen when his parents separated. “After Mom and Dad told me they were splitting up, I remember thinking that I was now the’man of the house’ and had to take care of my Mom and little sister Claire,” he says. “I had been brought up to think that ‘real’ men didn’t cry, so I resolved not to cry in front of my ‘womenfolk.’ Luckily, I had Max — the most wonderful Golden Retriever — to lean on.”

Chris says he used go up to his room when he needed to cry, wrap his arms around Max, and sob his grief and fear into Max’s fluffy neck. “He really saved me,” remembers Chris. “He always seemed so sympathetic, non-judgmental, and loving — he’d just lick away my tears and stay with me as long as I needed him.” Chris would also take Max for long runs when the teenager needed a physical outlet for emotional distress. “Racing through the ravines near my house was a lot better than putting my fist through the wall — which I really wanted to do some days.”

Would you make a good “pet parent”?

But experts warn against rushing into pet ownership — especially first-time pet ownership — during the early stages of grief recovery. “Bringing an animal into the home at this stage could add more stress to your life,” cautions Marilyn Clark. “You might over-project onto the animal, and become too involved with it. There’s a risk that the animal might be expected it to take on all of your emotional needs. This wouldn’t be fair to the animal, or healthy for you.” Eric Cline agrees. “While we try not to be judgmental in our approach, we recommend that people address their grief first and foremost. We tell them,’Let’s get you into a recovery program first, then you’ll be able to make the right choice about which pet is right for you.’”

The good news is that there are many ways you can interact with a pet without becoming a pet owner. (And we don’t mean flying to Miami to swim with the dolphins.) Here are a few suggestions:

• Volunteer at your local animal shelter or clinic.
• Ask around your neighborhood and see if anyone needs help with walking their dog.
• Pet-sit for friends and family. It’s a great way to find out what you like or dislike about a particular type or breed of companion animal.
• Go to the zoo. Volunteer to take a group of school children on a day-trip, or just make a visit by yourself. Take a loaded camera, and get ready to have some fun.
• Put out a bird feeder. It may seem simplistic, but it’s a great way to start bonding with animals, suggests Clark.
• Visit www.ralstonpurina.com on the Internet. The pet-food maker’s site offers a fun and informative “Interactive Breed Selector Quiz” (under “Dogs”), which can help you choose the right breed based on size, activity, temperament, coat, etc.

Then, once you’re ready to commit to a pet, ask yourself the following questions:

1. If you’re renting, does your building allow pets? What types?
2. Is your living situation permanent, or is it likely to change in the near future?
3. How much time do you have to devote to a pet? Different animals require different levels of attachment and responses, says Clark. A dog may be more demanding emotionally than a cat, while dogs and cats are obviously more demanding than, say, fish.
4. How fastidious are you as a housekeeper? Will dog- or cat-hair be a problem for you? Will allergies be a problem?
5. How will your children, if any, react to a pet in your life?
6. Are you willing and able to commit yourself to caring for a companion animal for the next 10-15 years?

* * *

Are you in the Chicago area and looking to adopt a pet? The Chicago Canine Rescue Foundation is a non-profit organization whose mission is to decrease the overpopulation, abuse and euthanization of dogs and place rescued animals into responsible, loving homes. Visit their website (link above) or call (312) 458-9294.

Anyone who has experienced divorce can tell you first hand it is one of the most stressful events you will ever face. That is especially true for those who are also parents. The day to day challenges of parenting are significant enough without divorce and the challenges that come with attempting to recover from such a significant loss complicate the parenting process for everyone, including those who are normally less impacted by stress issues. Stressed parents find they are less tolerant, irritable and angry, depressed, and down right miserable at times. The good news- you can do something about it if you find yourself in that boat.Stress is normal part of the divorce process. In fact, stress is commonly under identified by divorcees as the primary reason for difficulties. Too often, divorcees focus their attention on anger and sadness issues, rather than identifying some pretty simple things they can do to deal with stress. Understanding how stress impacts you, your ex-spouse, and your children can help you to appropriately and effectively navigate the divorce process.

Stress is basically our reaction to change. Yes it is more complicated than that, but at it the core of almost all stress is change. First of all, there are times in our lives when we should be stressed. Those times usually revolve around significant life changes such as death of a loved one, job changes, moves, change in normal routine, health related issues, and change in family make up. Obviously, divorce can bring some or all of these changes to the table. So, it makes sense that stress plays a vital role in the entire divorce experience.

Recognizing what is happening with you, your ex, and your children can help you to choose the proper approach to dealing with things. When significant change enters our lives, control becomes an important part of the equation. When we feel out of control and powerless, stress levels tend to rise, and frankly there are few life situations outside of divorce where you will feel more powerless. Naturally, when a person feels out of control, they often attempt to control something or many things. Often, divorcees and children in divorce attempt to control what is happening around them, and very often they attempt to control other people.

Do not under estimate this control issue in your own levels of stress and that of other people involved in your divorce. Divorced parents frequently attempt to alleviate their stress by controlling their ex-spouse or children. And very often, the reaction to these attempts to control is negative.

If you want to immediately reduce your stress try this: Sit down at your kitchen table with a note pad and list 10 things you can absolutely, without doubt, control right away. For example, you can control what time you get up each morning. You can control what you eat. You can even control whether or not you allow yourself to get drawn into an argument with your ex. You can control whether you set yourself up for an argument with your ex or not. You can control what you watch and the type of people you surround yourself with during this crisis. I’ve given you 6 things to start with that you can control. Add 4 to this list and you are on your way. Or come up with 10 of your own. Even small things can make a difference when combined with other things. Once you have a list of things you can control the next step is to follow through. A list alone will change nothing. But, if you work toward controlling those things on your list, you are on your way to successful stress management.

Controlling what you can will make a difference. The more things you put together, the more control you feel you have of your life, even when a lot of big things are outside of your control. So, the next time your ex is doing something you do not like, your attorney fails to return your call, and your child refuses to follow your instructions, take a moment to control some things you can control and your stress levels will inevitably feel drop. The biggest mistake you can make is attempting to control things that are outside of your control. Recognize those things that are beyond your power and do not attempt to change them, you will have more success when you are realistic about what can be controlled and what cannot.

Posted on 18th January 2007
Under: Post-Divorce Parenting | No Comments »