Your Child - Your Divorce

Rafael Richman, Ph.D.

The process of separation and divorce can be very painful for you and for your whole family. Below, however, you can find some tips and details to make talking to your children about your decision to separate or divorce somewhat easier:

1. Choose an appropriate time and place for your conversation.

Choose a time and place that works for your children. The best location for most children and families is at home, where it is comfortable and private. A quiet environment is better – minimize distractions, turn off all phones (including your cell-phones), the television, and the computer. Put your children first. Make your time during and after the meeting flexible. It is much better for your children if you are available afterwards. This allows your children the opportunity to talk with you and to be with you, if they so desire.

2. Expect that when you disclose that you and your spouse plan to separate or to divorce, that it will be difficult for you.

Expect that, prior to and when you talk to your children, you will feel strong feelings such as: feeling apprehensive, feeling a sense of trepidation, and feeling uneasy and nervous. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. If you are able to, be kind to yourself and accept that it is normal and natural to feel these feelings. Give yourself permission to be “human” and real.

3. It is okay to express and show your feelings.

It is okay to express your true feelings in front of your children, as long as you are able to contain and own your feelings. Use your discretion and common sense. Know that your children may become frightened when witnessing your feelings, if they are strong and negative [e.g., anger or hostility]. Most children, though, can handle seeing your softer, underlying feelings – tears, sadness, hurt, and pain. For example, you may wish to start by saying something like, “…this is very hard and scary for me/us to talk about, and it probably is for you too…”

4. Be brief and sincere.

It is preferable to keep your talk [“speech”] brief, direct, and clear. Avoid long explanations. Know that most kids tend to tune-out when adults provide lengthy explanations and “speeches”.

5. Adjust your words to the age-appropriate level of your children.

Do your best to talk about your plan to separate or divorce in terms that your child can grasp and understand. In general, younger children comprehend concrete terms and examples better than the abstract ideas and words.

6. Allow your children the space, time, and opportunity to absorb what you say and to feel their feelings.

7. Remember that each child is unique.

Anticipate that you may receive different reactions from each child. Some children may initially feel shocked and surprised. Others may have sensed that this was coming for some time, and be less reactive.

8. Expect that your children may experience strong and intense reactions.

Some children keep their feelings more inside, and others tend to be more externally and verbally expressive. Most children will, however, react strongly with feelings ranging from outrage and anger, to discomfort and confusion.

9. Acknowledge and validate what your children are feeling and where they are at.

Refer to my articles on listening – “Nourish your Child with the Gift of Listening” series – for more detailed information on this topic.

10. Prepare for lots of questions and concerns from your children.

Answer as best and honestly as you can, and realize that sometimes the best answer you can give your child is an “I don’t know”.

11. Honor and respect your children’s individual needs.

Some children may wish to be with you; some children may wish to spend some time on their own; some children may cope better by being with their friends.

12. Expect and know that no matter what you say and do, that your child may feel and believe that they are responsible and to blame for your separation and divorce.

Realize, and this may be obvious, that this is the beginning of what will likely be an ongoing series of discussions with your children. This is the beginning of a process of adjusting and readjusting to your new family situation.

For more articles by and information about Dr. Richman see http://www.drraf.com/

Editor’s Note: Occasionally we receive comments or stories from people that need and deserve to be heard and/or offered advice. We have therefore decided to open a new category on this site titled “Parents Seeking Advice”. The purpose would be to offer you, our readers, a place where you could speak out and get heard - and more importantly, receive advice or hear the opinions of real people who have been through similar experiences.

If you are interested in sharing your story with others, please send us your questions or stories to yourchildyourdivorce@gmail.com. Personal information of the contributor will remain anonymous at all times. Thank you.  

“My grandson is 8.  My daughter and his dad divorced right after he was born with hypo-plastic left heart syndrome.
 
The reason for the divorce was that he moved his girlfriend into their home while Christie, my daughter was away.  He has remarried and has two beautiful girls and a good wife, now allthough not at first.  Now after 6 years he has left her and moved in with another woman with two kids.  They live in a two bedroom apartment which is beyond filthy and the five children sleep in one bedroom when Josh is there.  They are talking about letting him sleep in the closet.  This week my daughter went to pick him up and the house was dirtier than usual.  When she walked thru the hall the girlfriend was standing in the bathroom completely naked with the door open for all the kids to see.  What can we do to protect these children?  They have never lived like this before.”

Editor’s Note: Occasionally we receive comments or stories from people that need and deserve to be heard and/or offered advice. We have therefore decided to open a new category on this site titled “Parents Seeking Advice”. The purpose would be to offer you, our readers, a place where you could speak out and get heard - and more importantly, receive advice or hear the opinions of real people who have been through similar experiences.

If you are interested in sharing your story with others, please send us your questions or stories to yourchildyourdivorce@gmail.com. Personal information of the contributor will remain anonymous at all times. Thank you.  

“My wife and I are about to separate and divorce.  It is quite amicable,
except for the fact that I still love my wife with all my heart.  While no
one has cheated or abused the other, I have come to understand (with a
therapist’s help) that I have made serious mistakes that are primarily the
cause of the failure of our marriage.  My wife was very reluctant to admit
that, wanting to share the responsibility, but it has become clear that I
have failed her badly.

Obviosuly, I have worked through some serious, difficult moments accepting
it all.  But in the end, she feels hurt and emotionally drained and ready
for divorce.  After months of therapy and open, sincere discussion, I have
surrendered to her desire, rather than try and trap her in a failed,
unfulfillng marriage.  I accept that she does not love me anymore, and she
accepts that I will surrender to her demand for a divorce, but still love
her deeply.

We have two children, ages five and two.

Just before I surrendered, I made a desparate plea for mercy.  I had not
planned to do any such thing.  I had put on my shorts and t-shirt and
running shoes to go running, she spoke to me and my heart got the best of
me.  I knelt at her feet and begged for mercy.  I was under the impression
that the children were with their Aunt.  They were not.  The five year old
came into the room and saw daddy kneeling on bare knees at Mommy’s feet,
trembling, hands clasped.  Mommy was standing over daddy, arms folded,
looking down on her fallen spouse.

The child refuses to say much of any consequence in the aftermath.  We don’t
know how best to approach it.  My wife is more upset with me than ever and I
am filled with regret.

Please believe me.  Despite my failures, I do love my wife dearly and my
children.  I am truly sorry for all of my mistakes, and I have surrendered
to my wife to allow the divorce to happen.

Now we need to know how to approach our five-year old.

Please don’t use my real name in print.

Thank you.”

As a single parent, are you concerned about how your divorce has effected your teenager? Are you looking for some guidance as a single parent of a teenager? Here are 7 parenting mistakes to avoid as a single parent of a teenager.

Being a single parent inherently comes with challenges.  As a counselor, often single parents ask what mistakes they need to avoid when parenting their teenager.  Many single parents are concerned about any consequences of their divorce that could negatively affect their teenager.  Here are some common mistakes to avoid:

Mistake 1:  Lying to them

Honesty is always best, especially when parenting teenagers.  First, today’s teenagers are quite savvy and know when they are being conned.  Also, dishonesty only destroys trust, which is something that is needed most during this transitional time.

Mistake 2:  Avoiding discipline

Wherever there is a lack of any discipline, there is manipulation. Dictionary.com provides this definition of discipline, “Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.” Notice the emphasis on improved character rather than punishment.

Mistake 3:  Eliminate any structure or routine

Divorce is a transitional time for everyone involved.  Each person’s routine is adversely affected.  A structured home environment filled with routines and chores provides a sense of order and ownership.  This is beneficial particularly if there is chaos resulting from the divorce.

Mistake 4:  Forget about them

As a single parent, you are forced to wear many hats and fill many different roles - often simultaneously.  In addition, you are in the midst of trying to provide a stable home environment, work full time, and recover from the emotional adjustment of a being a single parent.  In the midst of this, I encourage you to find some time to be intentional on spending time with your teenager on a regular basis.  Help them to see that you are available to them, and concerned about any needs they may have.

Mistake 5:  Continue fighting with your former spouse

If a marital relationship has been turbulent, then many teenagers anticipate a divorce will bring about a much needed sense of peace.  However, if conflict continues after divorce has been finalized then your teenager may experience some emotional difficulty adjusting to the divorce.  As much as you are able, try to keep any discussions with your former spouse cordial and focused on your teenager.

Mistake 6: Don’t get them any outside help

Divorce can affect teenagers in many different ways.  Some may open up emotionally and sharing their feelings freely.  However, others may withdraw from family and friends and become reclusive.  Others may enter into some behavioral problems that may have not been there before. If you have any concerns about how your teenager is recovering from the divorce then I encourage you to seek out a qualified professional counselor.

Mistake 7:  Assuming nothing is wrong

Another common parenting mistake is to assume that your teenager has been completely untouched by the divorce.  There lives seem undisturbed as if the divorce is a minor incident in the tapestry of their lives.  And this is true for many teenagers. However, there are others that will give the appearance that all is well, when in fact the opposite is the case.  They may do this to save face for them, or they can react this way to give their parents one less thing to worry about.  Communicate with your teenager on an ongoing basis about his/her feelings about their new life and its challenges.

Are you looking for more common sense advice, practical solutions and even humor for parenting your teen? I invite you to check out http://www.parentingyourteenager.com/ where you will find tips for parenting teens, school, curfew, and more! Terre Grable is a licensed professional counselor. She enjoys helping parents and teens become better friends when they feel like enemies.

Find free, high quality articles you can republish from www.copypastearticles.com

Rafael Richman, Ph.D.

Parents often come to my office feeling frustrated, exhausted, and overwhelmed. Many of them explain to me that they feel they are at the end of their rope and at a loss for what to do. Having read numerous books and articles on parenting, experimented with all sorts of techniques, talked to friends, school counselors, and teachers, they long for something that works; something that they hope might possibly help them in dealing with their child.

While some parents wish and request that I “fix” their child, many say they would be grateful to settle for anything that may help their child and alleviate their feeling frustrated.

Through years of consulting with parents, working with kids in therapy, and leading parent-skills training groups, I experimented with different approaches to helping parents. In wanting to simplify a large body of information, I arbitrarily categorized the world of parenting into two philosophies: behavioral and humanistic. I strongly advocate and practice the latter, while I grudgingly (and with disappointment) accept that the former continues to be widely adopted. Before elaborating upon my preference for humanistic parenting, I’d like to briefly describe the behavioral model.

The behavioral approach to parenting is based on the premise that children’s behaviors can be shaped through modifying the consequences in their environment. Common terms in the behaviorist’s vocabulary are: reinforcement, reward, punishment, tokens, shaping, and time-out. In certain circumstances and situations, implementing behavioral strategies can effectively and quickly change a child’s behavior over the short-term. I believe this is one of the reasons behavioral techniques maintain their widespread appeal with parents and professionals. Moreover, research has repeatedly demonstrated that one of the best ways to immediately reduce or eliminate an undesirable behavior (e.g., hitting, temper tantrums) is to punish a child as soon as possible following the emitted action. Behavior management programs seem to work best when the parent or teacher holds a position of power over, and maintains a reasonably high degree of control over the child.

When I trained as an intern, I counseled parents on ways to set up these behavioral systems in their home to enable them to reduce or control their child’s “unwanted” behaviors. Our programs seemed reasonable, simple, and commonsensical. Parents and I, however, soon started noticing some reoccurring common patterns and problems. The first two to three weeks was a “honeymoon” period. At this stage of the program, the charts and rewards were often fun for the parents and kids. The ideas were new and fresh. With most honeymoons, though, the novelty and behavior changes did not endure. The reduced effectiveness, or total breakdown, became predictable. Parents told me stories of their kids becoming bitter and resentful, and tearing down the star charts off the refrigerator door. The once-effective rewards (e.g., T.V., video games, money, candy), were no longer sufficient. Parents and I also observed another common problem with this approach: when the parent was not present (i.e., the person in charge was not around), the children usually reverted to their previous actions. For instance, Billy would act “good” when mom and dad were watching, but he would return to hitting his sister when mom and dad weren’t around.

I felt uncomfortable advocating and supporting a system that was based on parents having control and power over their children. This contradicted my belief that children are intelligent human beings who deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Another troublesome outcome associated with the behavioral techniques was that kids seemed to react with negative feelings, such as feeling angry or feeling scared, toward their parents. This prompted my search for another way to enhance the emotional climate in the home.

What, then, is an alternative? What is humanistic parenting?

Humanistic parenting is an attitude, a philosophy, and a way of relating to your child. It is an approach where the inner goodness of the child is valued.

A core principle of humanistic parenting is respecting children and treating them with dignity. A useful exercise to help in following this fundamental principle is to ask yourself the questions, “would I like to be treated that way?”, and “how would I feel if I was in their shoes?”. If the answers are “no” and “I would feel disrespected”, then your actions as a parents most likely do not follow the humanistic parenting philosophy.

When treating their children with respect and connecting with their children’s feelings, parents are empowered. They often experience considerably less feeling guilty and frustrated.

In the humanistic approach, children are allowed to have and to feel their feelings. I am not proposing that kids be allowed to go around hitting whomever they please! I am, however, suggesting that children (just as adults do) are entitled to express their feelings in a constructive nonviolent manner. In allowing their feelings an outlet, children often feel better about themselves, and feel accepted by their parents.

Humanistic parenting practitioners also respect the feelings of parents. Through being aware of, expressing, and communicating their feelings, they can act as sincere and genuine models to their children.

Skills and terms in the humanistic parenting vocabulary include: active listening, acknowledging and validating feelings, openly communicating your own feelings, problem solving, describing, and giving information.

Some professionals and parents believe that the skills and techniques from humanistic philosophy are not sufficient for dealing with “difficult” and “tough” children with serious problems. My experiences, generally, have not supported this assertion. Contrary to these concerns, I have repeatedly witnessed the success of humanistic parenting strategies with a wide range of children.

It is sometimes beneficial to incorporate skills and strategies adopted or borrowed from the behavioral model within the humanistic framework. The key seems to be how these techniques are used and the underlying attitude that parents have when relating to their children. For instance, it may be helpful for a parent to use a version of the time-out strategy when their child is feeling very angry. Within the humanistic framework time-out could provide the child an opportunity to cool down and maybe even to reflect on his feelings. It would be used in a respectful, non-punitive manner, and often with the previously agreed upon consent of the child.

Although it may take longer to see the results of the humanistic approach with “difficult” children, in the end, those children incorporate values and acceptable behaviors that tend to endure. Rather than questioning themselves whether their actions will elicit a sticker or reprimand from their parents (or teachers), children learn healthy ways to act and to express themselves in everyday situations.

When humanistic parenting is consistently adopted by parents, I believe that long-term changes are possible in all families and with all children. The positive feedback from parents bolsters my conviction that this is an effective and respectful way to relate to children.

For more information and for techniques that were developed from follow a humanistic parenting philosophy, I often recommend the following books: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish; Parent Effectiveness Training, by Thomas Gordon; and Kids are Worth It!, by Barbara Coloroso. Videos, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and Barbara Coloroso, are also available.

Participating in parenting groups and consulting with a professional who is familiar and experienced with the humanistic approach may also be helpful ways to practice and fine-tune these skills.

This article was previously published in the B.C. Psychologist, July 2001 issue, and as the cover/feature article in Balanced Life magazine, January, 2002.

Dr. Rafael Richman, Ph.D. is a psychologist and psychotherapist in Jerusalem, Israel. In addition to consulting with parents, Dr. Richman offers counseling and therapy for adults, couples, children, and families. He works with: persons labeled “ADHD”, individuals who feel depressed, anxious, or angry; people experiencing stress in their jobs; and persons having relationship difficulties. Dr. Richman can be contacted at dr_raf18@yahoo.ca or at 02.561.7184.
For more about Dr. Richman click: www.drraf.com.