Child Custody Rights for Fathers
In the past when a couple divorced, a father’s role was limited to financial support and the occasional visitation with his children. Until the changes in the divorce laws during the 1970’s, this state of affairs prevailed and for the most part, was accepted as the norm. Custody battles were almost unheard of and the status of fathers as “weekend Dads” went virtually unchallenged.
In the 1970’s divorce laws in many western countries underwent a major overhaul. One of the most significant changes was making both parents responsible for the care of children following divorce. This single change had tremendous implications for people with children getting divorced. While the financial implications of shared parental responsibility were overtly obvious, there were also important considerations regarding how children would be parented post divorce. For the first time, the courts recognized “joint custody” as a symbol of parents’ shared responsibility toward the care of their children. With this change, it became apparent that fathers were now recognized as “functional” parents and not just a source of financial support.
An important fall-out of the changes to the divorce laws that formally recognized fathers as real parents, was the emergence of custody battles. As noted previously, they were uncommon up until this point. However, with the changes to the divorce laws, disputes over custody became a growing phenomenon. While children are generally the focus of these very nasty fights over custody, in most cases, it is money that is at its root.
Many would argue that this simply is not so - those battles over custody have to do with the respective abilities of each parent to provide safe and nurturing care for their children. However, a closer look at the dynamics of custody battles reveals that sadly, the children become a bartering mechanism where access time is traded for a financial settlement.
The most obvious question is “why” should money and children become the driving forces behind custody battles? The answer lies in these two related issues:
- The provision for child support relies on the amount of residential time share each parent has. Thus, if the time-share is almost equal, theoretically little if any, child support is due. Similarly, if the primary breadwinner was to have a greater proportion of the time-share, then the same principle would apply. Finally, if a parent who had been a stay at home parent was no longer to have primary care and control of the children, then not only would child support be a limited issue, but so would the obligation to pay large amounts of spousal support.
- The provision for differential joint parenting arrangements provides the impetus to negotiate an unequal division of assets. Whereas in the past, when mothers’ sole custody and/or status as the residential parent were rarely in dispute, opportunities to include property and asset issues in negotiations were almost non-existent. With the changes in the divorce laws, it is now possible for the parent with the larger share of assets to offset his or her divorce liability by using custody and access as factors in divorce negotiations.
Overall, the changes in the divorce laws have done much to recognize childrens’ right to have both parents in their lives. It has also come a far way in recognizing fathers as being more than a meal ticket by advancing fathers’ custodial rights. On the other hand, the downside of these advances is resistance to the change and opportunities to use children as pawns for financial purposes.
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Are you seriously saying that fathers only began seeking, and continue to seek custody of their children because of money?!
February 12th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
some fathers yes, I believe it is more about money, then the children for some not all!
May 5th, 2007 at 8:20 am
Just wondering what my rights are as the stay at home parent. I cant stand my girlfriend, we have lived together for over 4 years and have a 2 year old. She tried to use our child as leverage on our relationship. I became an at home parent about a year and a half ago. I was making 16 an hour she started making 24 and we lost the sitter. With our daily commutes and lunches and gas prices rising, along with the cost of child care in my area we would have been going in the hole by at least 125 a week. So we decided to have me stay at home with our child. This little girl is my whole world. When the mother comes home I cant even get a break from watching my little girl. I watch her 24/7 literally. She is always trying to send our child to her mother for 3-4 days at a time. I cant stand letting her mom take our child. It sparks fight after fight with us. Even when we visit my family I cant get a breath of air in visiting my family because simply put, my gf will not watch our child and lets her get into everything. So I find myself chasing her around everywhere. If I start talking about being unhappy in this relationship and how she doesn’t take very good care of our child and mention ending our relationship she starts talking about child support and not letting me see my daughter. I have never been in trouble with the law, or with drugs or alcohol. I have given up my profession to be at home parent and basically I feel that my life is being wasted on a girl that doesn’t care about myself or our child. I cant stand the fact that she tries to use our child as leverage. I shouldn’t have to feel unhappy and hollow because of this. Being a parent is a great thing, but being forced to live in an environment that is constantly stressful and is over all pushing me to the verge of a mental breakdown, just cant be healthy. I do not want her to have custody of our child if we break up for two reasons. Number one, shes a bad parent and pawns our child off on everyone else. Number two she would only try to get me for child support out of spite. I have no problem buying my child things she needs. If my gf wins custody I feel she should pay for the food and things like that anyway because its the responsibility of being the custodial parent. If she needs anything else I would certainly buy it. If I was to have custody I wouldn’t ask for child support or anything. I wouldn’t keep her mother from seeing her when she decided to see her. I’m not like that. But I just do not know where to turn here. I need help please.
July 5th, 2007 at 10:30 am
Mike,
I’m so sorry to hear that you are in such pain about your situation. I can’t imagine how awful you must feel about the stress of having to decide about custody, finances etc. It sounds like however, that your problem could be easily solved.
Listen, we all know that you can’t change another person. However, what concerns me is that you specifically opened with “I can’t stand my girlfriend.” The reason this concerns me, is because I wonder have you ever told her this? If so, can you explain to me how and why she would feel good to be a great mom and a great girlfriend when the father of her child can not stand her? Have you wondered why she would not want to spend much time with her child? It sounds to me like instead of paying attention to your daughter…you might pay some attention to your girlfriend. I believe that if you were able to solve that problem you might be enlightened to find out that her desire to be a better mom might develop right before your eyes.
You see…you are the one and only person that has the ability to make her feel wonderful, loved, needed, like she is the best mother to ever walk the face of the earth! After all, you are her parenting partner! If she isn’t meeting your expectations for a good mom, then who are you to criticize and punish her? Do you think treating her as if you can not stand her is going to make her feel more like nurturing her little girl?
The reality is…you loved her enough at one time to make a child with her. I truly believe it is your responsibility to HELP her become a better mother. If you walk away from that responsibility, you are doing a great disservice to your daughter. If you can soften your heart and not criticize and really listen to your girlfriend, you may find that the real source of the problem is you. This might sound harsh, but just think how different it could be for your daughter if you showed her how much you really cared for and loved her mother. You loved her and her mom, enough to help her mom take better care of the wonderful little girl she is. That would be any daughter’s knight in shining armor.
What if you planned time for just the two of you, away from your daughter? Do you think you could try and remember how important your girlfriend was to you at one time? It might be hard at first but give it some time and you might discover something you never realized was there. The loving mother of your little girl. It can all start with you. Just remember…control your anger, be soft loving and kind. Listen and really listen to what your girlfriend needs from you. Take the time to really listen to her and ask her what she needs from you. Think of it as helping your daughter! Be her hero!
Good Luck
September 28th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
I also just wanted to add that since you all aren’t married. Legally the courts would have to decide on custody and if you want full custody, then you would have to prove her as an unfit mother and that process is costly and not very nice for you OR your daughter. Unfortunately the courts seem to favor the mothers. I don’t think this is always fair, but it seems to be the norm. Your fight would be an immediate uphill battle. Don’t make the wrong decision Mike. Breaking up isn’t the answer. Your daughter will have lifelong problems, and pain with the separation and not to mention new partners, more step siblings….so forth and so on. Children need both parents together. It’s possible to make it work. I will be praying for you all and I hope you listen to this advice I’m giving you.
September 28th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
I praise the fathers who see their kids or even have custody. I have been divorced from my ex husband for 10 yrs. We have 3 children who are now 23, 19 and 15. While going through our divorce he saw the kids sparingly and it grew less and less when he became involved with another woman. The kids went once to his place for Christmas and met this woman and her kids. She said some HORRIBLE things to our children and they told their dad they did not want to see her again, however, he continued seeing her. Four months into dating she became pregnant and they just got married last year. (Their child is now 5). We went to mediation over reducing his child support when the oldest turned 18 and he was ordered to add the kids to his benefits (which he said his girlfriend would be angry if he did that and he never did). He tried the Parent Alienation cry over visitation and I could have slapped him.. I have NEVER kept the kids from him but as they grew older he would call on Birthdays and Christmas (he was then living 25 mins from our house). In the last year, I was diagnosed with cancer, he called on Christmas had our 15 yr old daughter in tears as he bashed me over and over. (I told him this past week of my illness and that I had just had surgery a few weeks ago). He now lives 6 hours from the kids and their will be NO way of visits. He isnt allowed to see them unless she is present and they dont want her there. Is this not child abadonment?
My issue now is my 15 yr old is almost regressing back to where she was 10 yrs ago.. Crying for her dad.. mourning something that can never be.
The kids are not welcome at their home.. they dont even have an address or home number. They last time they received any gift from him was the first year these two got together.
How do I help my daughter get passed this and realize the daddy she remembers isnt the daddy he is?
February 6th, 2008 at 10:18 am
I forgot to add to my post..
When he moved away he never even said goodbye to his kids.. he never even told them he was moving.. he just up and left.. Apparently he has been gone for a couple of years. Like I said he doesnt keep regular contact. I told him my only condition to his “visits” is REGULAR.. you cant come in and out of their lives.
The other day my 15 yr old asked him to call her once a week.. His reply.. I WILL TRY… I was so angry and still am.. I wanted to call him and tell him to drop dead.
He calls from his cell phone and they have to leave messages as his now wife will not allow him to give them any other info. His lawyer told him during mediation to get some balls and tell her these kids are FIRST. I have told him that he is having an affair with his children and they are being cheated.
February 6th, 2008 at 10:33 am