Another study in Psychological Science claimed that a person’s happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it. That’s what these 7 tips are: suggestions for preventing the devastating depression that often accompanies divorce, and techniques that you can use to keep your happiness level steady or maybe even higher!

1. Lose yourself in a book (or an afghan).

I think the one thing that kept my mom sane the years after she and my dad split were the 75 afghans she knitted for me, my sisters, and anyone who got married during between 1982 and 1985. The mundane, repetitive gesture, she told me later, kept her brain on the loop that she was making with her big plastic needles, away from all the sadness in her heart. Swimming is the same type of activity for me. I count each lap, so if I start to ruminate too much, I lose track. For an OCD gal who needs to burn calories, it’s a tragedy when that happens. A friend of mine who divorced last year said that losing herself in a juicy novel was a helpful diversion. Or I guess you could also watch reality TV, although I’d hate for you to sink that low.

2. Change your routine.

The year after my dad left, a counselor recommended to my mom that she go back to work. So she took a part-time job as a hostess at a nice restaurant downtown, working lunch hour. The job forced her to smile, meet new people, and be part of a fresh environment—all of which helped her to get out of her head for several hours of the day and gave her hope that there was new life out there, that her life wasn’t over just because her marriage had ended.

3. Plan, plan, and plan some more.

In her book Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again, psychotherapist Roberta Temes suggests a few activities that are therapeutic during bereavement (and divorce is a kind of bereavement). One of them is planning. That is, planning everything. I know this works because I did it during the really low months of my severe depression. I planned when I would eat my bagel, when I would shower, and when I would relieve my bladder. I planned when I’d write my distorted thoughts into a journal, and when I would try to count my blessings. All the planning cut down on my ruminations. You think I’m crazy? Temes writes:

Use a calendar to make your plans. Plan when you will go somewhere new. Plan when you will buy yourself a new outfit. Plan to learn to knit and decide when you’ll go to the yarn store. Plan to go fishing and call a buddy who likes to fish. Or, learn how to frame a favorite photo and plan when you will venture to a craft shop or to an art supply store. Plan to repair something in your house and plan to go to Home Depot or to Lowe’s or to your local hardware store. Planning activities for your future will help you reach that future.

4. Clean out and organize.

A productive way to grieve the end of a relationship is to clean out the drawers, closets, and other corners of your house that may still contain your spouse’s possessions, and replace them with new stuff. Your stuff. You don’t have to do it all at once, of course. As I said in the last point, you can plan each stage of the excavation. By manually picking up each item, recalling certain memories, and ever so tidily boxing them up for either him, Goodwill, or bulk pickup, you are acknowledging and bidding adieu to the marriage, while creating a space in your life for something new.

5. Preserve your energy.

In her book, Ready to Heal, Kelly McDaniel urges people who have just ended a relationship to preserve their energy, to avoid cluttering their days with too much activity. She writes, “The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [of a relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solution.” You feel tired? You’re working two jobs … that’s why!

6. Defy the stereotype.

Mary Jo Eustace will make any reader, but especially those who have lived through divorce, laugh out loud with her memoir, Divorce Sucks. I loved the part where she challenges the divorcee to debunk the hurtful stereotypes of divorced people. Writes Eustace: “Our marriages didn’t work, so people assume we don’t quite work. And this is why it’s very important for those of us who have survived the hell of divorce to start redefining what the landscape of the divorced woman [or man] can look like. People can have us over for dinner, even a couple’s dinner party, and we promise we won’t seduce anyone’s husband or dance on the table, expressing ourselves through modern movement and our ability to do the splits.”

7. Take the high road.

My friend and mentor Mike constantly reminds me that it’s better to be happy or at peace than it is to be right. So, as I’m loaded and ready to fire off a nasty email to some jerk who could potentially make my life hell, I will stop and consider Mike’s pearl of advice. Then I drag the email over to the cute trashcan on my monitor.

I have no doubt your ex-spouse is responsible for a mother load of terrible things, legal pad after legal pad of inexcusable grievances you could report to your attorney. And you would be absolutely entitled to seek revenge (or even justice) for his all of his misjudgments. But is it worth it? That’s the question you might need to stick to your bathroom mirror on a sticky note. A friendly divorce isn’t necessarily a fair divorce. Which one do you want?

SOURCE

In 2006, a special blue-ribbon state commission sensibly called for overhauling state law to allow no-fault divorce. The reform enjoys broad support within legal circles and well beyond. Practically every New Yorker has a bitter divorce story, even if it’s not his or her own. Yet four years, and a countless number of traumatized parents and children later, Albany has yet to act.

As a result of that inaction, New York remains the only state in the union that will not permit marriages to end without one spouse’s alleging fault, such as cruel and inhumane treatment, adultery or abandonment.

Further dawdling would be inexcusable. Gov. David Paterson and the leaders of the State Legislature should publicly commit now to enact no-fault divorce before the end of the current legislative session.

The current rules inflict serious financial and emotional costs. Litigants end up spending thousands of dollars in unnecessary legal fees, and courts devote significant time to airing the painful and highly personal details of a breakup. It is a ridiculous use of judicial resources at any time, but especially in tough fiscal times.

Making divorce harder cannot rescue irretrievably broken marriages. The only thing really achieved by perpetuating the current law is to make divorces costlier, longer, and uglier than they need to be.

For years now, efforts to enact a fair no-fault system have cratered because of opposition from the Catholic Church and issues like lawyers’ fees and protecting victims of domestic violence. Achieving reform may not be easy. But it can be done. Just ask every other state.

SOURCE

The following article gives several great examples for activities recommended to do with your child in order to help him or her cope with the divorce. Playing with your child and spending quality time together is key to dealing with this transition in your child’s life, and Earthquake in Zipland is intended for just that.

Going through the process of divorce is a challenging life transition for both parents and children. 

During their parents’ divorce, children often feel a wide variety of conflicting emotions. It is very important for parents to provide their children with understanding and support. 

This guide provides ideas for many activities parents can do to support their children and help them work through their feelings, concerns and frustrations regarding the divorce.

DRAWING PICTURES
Anger, sadness, worry, relief, confusion, guilt, embarrassment, loneliness, and nervousness — these are all common emotions that children experience when their parents divorce. 

Many children have difficulty expressing these emotions in words. Drawing pictures of feelings can be an easier way for children to express how they truly feel inside. This process helps children express themselves in a positive manner and aids parents in knowing what their children are thinking and feeling concerning the divorce. 

After your child has drawn a picture, ask specific questions about the drawing. Encourage him or her to explain what he or she has drawn and why. Be positive and supportive.

Things to draw pictures of: 

• What does divorce look like?
• How does divorce make you feel?
• Draw pictures of various feelings, such as anger, sadness or loneliness.
• Draw a picture of your family; including anyone you feel is part of your family. Write each person’s name by his or her picture.
• Draw a picture of the homes you live in.
• If a genie could grant you one wish related to your family, what would you wish for? Draw a picture of your wish.

CONVERSATION STARTERS
Following divorce, it is important for parents and children to keep the lines of communication open. Often, children have many fears, worries and questions about the divorce. 

If they feel comfortable talking with their parents about these issues, they will likely have an easier adjustment to the changes divorce brings. However, children may not always know how to express their feelings or put their questions into words. 

Discuss the following questions with your children to help them talk through their feelings about the divorce. Good conversations can occur in a wide variety of settings: during dinner, in the car, at bedtime or on walks.

Possible Questions: 

• How has your life changed since the divorce?
• Why do you think people get married?
• Why do you think people get divorced?
• What is a happy family like?
• Who do you talk with about the divorce?
• What good has come from the divorce?
• What do you worry about?
• What do you think your life will be like in five years?
• What good qualities does your dad have? Your mom?
• If you could change anything about your life, what would you make different?

COMMUNICATING FROM A DISTANCE
When one parent moves a considerable distance away, coping with the divorce often becomes more difficult for children because, in addition to the effects of the divorce, they must also adjust to not seeing that parent very often. 

The following tips can help parents and children maintain strong relationships from long distances.

E-mail each other. E-mail is a fast, convenient way to keep in touch.

Start a postcard club. Everyone likes to receive mail! It only takes a few minutes to fill out a postcard. Give some stamped cards to your child, and take turns sending a card each week.

Have weekly or monthly phone dates. Set a specific time when you will talk on the phone (e.g. Wednesday evenings at 7 p.m. or the first Sunday of each month at noon). This will give both of you something to look forward to!

Create a shared journal. Buy an inexpensive notebook and write your thoughts and feelings in it. Exchange the notebook when you see each other.

Create a family Web site. This is a great way to post information and pictures to each other.

Make audio or video tape recordings. Hearing or seeing each other, whether for special occasions or just during daily activities, will keep the bond between you strong!

LETTER WRITING
Writing letters is a constructive way to deal with confusing feelings and to blow off steam. 

Encourage your child to write a letter to one or both parents, expressing her feelings about the divorce. Tell her she can write whatever she feels like. Assure her that she does not have to send the letters if she does not want to. 

The act of putting feelings and ideas in writing often helps to put the situation in perspective.

PARENT INFORMATION CARDS
Make information cards for you, your child and the other parent. Write information about yourself on one side of a large index card, and put information about your child’s other parent on the other side. 

With this card, you, your child and your child’s other parent will always know how to contact each other.

Items to include: 

• Name
• Addresses (home and work)
• Phone numbers (home and work)
• Days I live with this parent
• Things we like to do together

THE POWER OF STORIES

READING CHILDREN’S BOOKS
Many children’s books address the topic of divorce. Reading such books with your child can be a valuable way to help him work through the feelings and concerns he is facing regarding the divorce in his own life. 

Children often identify with characters in books. Discussing how characters work through their challenges can give your child insight into his own situation.

WRITING STORIES
Many children write and illustrate stories. If your child enjoys this kind of activity, suggest that he write a story about divorce.

Encourage your child to be as creative as possible and to draw pictures that help illustrate the story. If your child is willing, have him share his story with you. Be sure to be positive and supportive of his work.

PERSONAL HISTORY TIME LINE
One common feeling children experience after the divorce is worry about the future. They may be concerned about what is going to happen to them and if their lives will ever be normal again. 

Creating a time line can help children put the current events of their lives in perspective. It can help them see that they have experienced many good things in the past, and that they have many years ahead of them to have fun and happy times with their families. 

Younger children will need help with this activity but will enjoy thinking of events for their parent to put on their time line. 

Discuss your child’s time line with him when he is finished. Point out that he has experienced many different events throughout life, some good and some bad. Help him to understand that he can get through the difficult time of divorce and that there are happiness and good times ahead.

Directions for a personal history time line 

• Draw a long horizontal line on a sheet of paper.
• Label your birth at one end with a star.
• Label the present time somewhere in the middle.
• Mark significant events that have occurred in your life between the “birth” star and the “present” mark. Possible ideas include births of siblings, getting pets, starting school, moving, learning to read, learning to ride a bike, divorce, remarriage, joining a team or club, death of relatives and special holidays and vacations.
• Mark events that you hope will happen in the future.

PLAY TOGETHER
As with drawing pictures, play is often a good way to help children express their feelings when it is difficult to talk about them. The following are some ideas of effective play activities:

Make puppets.
Create finger puppets or puppets out of brown paper sacks. Have the puppets talk about their feelings.

Play games.
Sometimes when people are occupied in another activity, it is easier to talk about feelings than if they just sit down to have a talk. There are even some games on the market that specifically address divorce.

Role-play.
Practice dealing with difficult situations that come about during divorce by acting out scenarios and discussing ways these situations can be handled positively.

LET’S EXERCISE
Engaging in physical activities together helps parents and children spend time with one another and reap the health benefits of exercise! Exercising is a good way to get rid of tension or angry feelings in a positive way.

Good activities for parents and children to enjoy together: 

• Swimming
• Biking
• Hiking
• Walking
• Camping
• Flying kites
• Roller-blading

CREATING TWO COMFORTABLE HOMES
Your child should feel comfortable both in your home and in the home of your former spouse. Making sure that each home contains familiar items will help your child feel secure and at home in both places. 

If possible, work with your child’s other parent and include the following items in both households:

• Favorite toys and games
• Basic school supplies (paper, pencils, scissors, etc.)
• Clothing (underwear, socks, pajamas, jeans, etc.)
• Toiletries (toothbrush, hair brush, deodorant, etc.)
• Favorite foods
• Photos of all family members

 TIME CAPSULE
Making a time capsule is another way of helping children recognize that the troublesome feelings surrounding the divorce won’t last forever and that there are many things to look forward to in the future.

Have your child put things in the capsule that represent his life: stories, drawings, photographs, and other special treasures and reminders. Encourage your child to answer the following questions and include them in the time capsule:

Time capsule questions 

• Who are your friends?
• Who is part of your family now?
• Who will be part of your family in the future?
• Where will you be living in one year? Five years?
• What kinds of things do you like to do?
• What would you like to learn how to do in the future?
• What do you want to be when you grow up?

There are many different kinds of containers that make good time capsules — large glass jars with tight lids, large manila envelopes, shoeboxes, or drawstring bags.

After your child has finished making the time capsule, help her seal it. Let her decide when she will open it. For example, it might be opened in one year, on a certain birthday, or five years from the divorce.

When the time comes to open the capsule, your child will undoubtedly have fun looking at the things she put in it, noticing how her handwriting has changed, and reading the things she wrote.

CONCLUSION
Divorce is a difficult adjustment for children and parents. All family members must deal with a wide variety of emotions and make changes in the way they live. However, despite their own struggles in the divorce process, parents still have an obligation to provide their children with love, nurturing and a sense of stability. Relationship-building activities, such as those discussed in this guide, can help parents connect with their children and better understand their children’s feelings and concerns. With time, patience and creativity, children and parents can successfully work through the effects of divorce together.

University of Missouri-Columbia
Sharon Leigh, Extension Associate
Janet A. Clark, Associate State Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies Extension

References
Bonkowski, S. (1987). Kids are nondivorceable: A workbook for divorced parents and their children. Chicago: ACTA Publications.
Brett, D. (1988). Annie stories: A special kind of storytelling. New York: Workman Publishing Company.
Davenport, M. A., Gordy, P. L., & Miranda, N. A. (1993). Children of divorce. Milwaukee, WI: Families International, Inc.
Garigan, E., & Urbanski, M. (1991). Living with divorce: Activities to help children cope with difficult situations. Carthage, IL: Good Apple.
Hickey, E., & Dalton, E. (1994). Healing hearts: Helping children and adults recover from divorce. Carson City, NV: Gold Leaf Press.
Margolin, S. (1996). Complete group counseling program for children of divorce. West Nyack, NY: The Center for Applied Research in Education.

Copyright 2002 University of Missouri. 
Published by University Extension, University of Missouri-Columbia

SOURCE

So your ex has moved out – now what? Our guide to moving your home from “we” to “me”

It was a dream-like experience. Upon returning from a weekend away with our children, the bedroom closets were empty—my husband, now my ex, had moved out. He took the fabulous living room furniture that we had purchased not that long ago.  My world was changing.

The reality was, I wanted to stop thinking about who I had become upon divorce—a single woman—and focus on my surroundings. I wanted my home to change from our home to my home.

I wanted to shape my space to reflect my personality. I wanted to transform it into a space where I would be happy. Slowly, this philosophy would influence the décor throughout my home.

Of course, like most of the things I was dealing with, this was uncharted territory—especially learning to deal with my new budget. The first project I wanted to tackle was my new bedroom. The room which we shared, which was ours, was now mine. As I gloriously celebrated more closet space, I needed to create a room which would provide new memoires of the next chapter of my life. I fantasized about my new seductive boudoir, strewn with rose pedals and candlelight everywhere. 

But the truth was, that wasn’t me. Reality set in and I did what I could—cost effectively, changing only my sheets, drapery and mattress. It was a fresh start.

Comfort for the kids as well

I also needed to keep in mind that my children needed continuity. Even if I could afford it (which I couldn’t), I wasn’t going to change everything. After all, what message would that be sending to my children—erasing all memories of their life before the divorce? Letting my personality shine through as best I could, spending as little I could, I would decorate for myself, not anyone else.  I bought some new artwork, throw pillows for my family room sofa and a few knick-knacks here and there.

Kimberly Seldon, an internationally recognized designer, suggests: “When you experience a crisis it’s essential to take time to heal before embarking on new projects.  I’ve met new clients who immediately want to redesign the whole house. It may feel good to “erase” any trace of him, but you want to make sure you are in a sane and peaceful frame of mind before you start renovating or decorating.”

“You don’t want to make every decision with him in mind. For example, he hated leather so you will “show him” and put leather everywhere. That may not be what you really want.  Once you are emotionally ready to heal and move on, then decorating can be an empowering process; reclaiming your own space and your own look.” 

Seldon offers the following helpful tips to lessen the decorator letdown, and create a space that will become your retreat and your oasis; and a sanctuary away from the hectic life you lead. After all, life post-divorce sometimes seems like huge a balancing act, teetering on the brink between stress and sanity. 

Identify priorities. Tackle one small, important space at a time. For instance, if you are going to spend 50% of your time in the kitchen then put your focus (time and money) there. Don’t bother with the living room initially if you don’t think you’ll use it much.

Be yourself. Make sure you are choosing what is authentic for you – not just what he would have hated. You are going to be moving into new territory; a whole new life.  You’ll want the new space to reflect the beginning of a new life, not the end of an old one.

Put the war to rest, and be realistic. Put together a floor plan before you hire the movers. It’s too easy during a divorce to fight over pieces of furniture that are really obsolete once you move. Make sure you want or need the items in question before you pay the movers to take them to the new home. If the old pieces of furniture don’t fit, or aren’t right, that will just be one more thing you hate about the divorce.

Be authentic. Seldon comments: “I have a dear friend in LA whose home is very formal, but she’s very casual person. There’s a disconnect when you see her in the space.” Embrace the best parts of yourself and create an environment that celebrates the real you

Let the real you shine through. Seldon learns the most about new friends and clients from the artwork and books they collect. These are the true mirror to the soul. You may not want to invest in a lot of kitsch for your new house, but a funky coffee table book about the subject sends a message about your irreverent side.

Ah, my space, and loving it. Relaxing in the surroundings I call home. I’m doing it in style, my way – and it’s certainly far from perfect. But, that isn’t to say I can’t change my space from “me” to “we” again, but for now, this is what makes me happy.

SOURCE

“There is a great need for effective online programs to support and educate separated parents,” said Larry Ganong, co-chair of Human Development and Family Studies (HDFS) in the College of Human Environmental Sciences. “In many cases, parents who divorce also move apart, and relocation makes it difficult to attend court-mandated trainings or develop effective strategies for co-parenting. Children are often the ones who suffer when parents don’t take steps to minimize issues caused by separation.”

HDFS researchers developed Focus on Kids Online, a training course that helps parents going through divorce build stronger, more supportive relationships with their children. The Web-based program is designed to offer parents an alternative to in-person trainings. After completion of the course, parents reported improved relationships and better awareness of separation-related problems and how to solve them, according to new HDFS research by David Schramm, assistant professor, and Graham McCaulley, HDFS doctoral student.

The face-to-face version of Focus on Kids satisfies the Missouri law that requires parents who are divorcing to attend an educational program. It is conducted in cooperation with Missouri’s circuit courts and available in 50 counties. Ganong says the online program is growing and will be made available to other states in the future.

The MU researchers offer tips for separated and divorced parents:

• Avoid criticizing the other parent and arguing in front of children.
• Reassure children that conflict and divorce are not their fault.
• Plan relaxing activities for kids to make transitions between households less stressful.
• Establish consistent routines and responsibilities in each household.
• Avoid using the child as a messenger — discuss parenting and financial issues directly.
• Avoid asking questions about other parent, which can make children uncomfortable.

The online program was developed by McCaulley, Schramm, Ganong and Marilyn Coleman, Curator’s professor of human development and family studies. MU researchers, including Shaun Calix, HDFS doctoral student, and Schramm, HDFS state extension specialist, will continue to evaluate the program’s effectiveness online and in-person.

SOURCE

The study used data from the 1994 and 1996 cycles of the National Longitudinal Survey of Children and Youth (NSLCY) to compare changes in parenting practices between 208 households that divorced between the first and follow up interview and 4796 households that remained intact. Strohschein looked at three measures of parenting behavior (nurturing, consistent, and punitive parenting) to tap into the different ways that divorce is believed to disrupt parenting practices. Her results show that there are no differences between divorced and stably married parents for any parenting behavior either before or after a divorce has occurred.

“My findings that parenting practices are unrelated to divorce appear to fly in the face of accepted wisdom,” states Strohschein. “Undoubtedly, some parents will be overwhelmed and unable to cope with the demands of parenting in the post-divorce period, but the expectation that all parents will be negatively affected by divorce is unfounded.”

“This study is important because governments in both Canada and the US have allocated considerable resources over the past decade to provide parenting seminars on a mandatory or voluntary basis to parents who legally divorce,” says Strohschein. “Although these programs do assist parents and children in adjusting to divorce, it is equally clear that not all parents will be well served by such programs. For those who work directly with families during the divorce process, this means making greater effort to build on the existing strengths of parents.”

“Researchers need to shed much more light on the predictors of parenting behavior in the post-divorce period so that this knowledge can be used to design programs that effectively target the real needs of divorced parents,” says Strohschein.

This study appears in Family Relations.

SOURCE

The Family and Parenting Institute says grandparents, aunts and uncles are helping out more in childcare responsibilities in a form of ‘communal parenting’ as parents struggle to cope with marital breakdown and work. One in four children is now brought up in a one-parent household, the vast majority of which are led by mothers.

The Institute suggests that rising divorce rates, fewer marriages and the growth of civil partnerships mean that the traditional family model is no longer ‘the norm’ and Government efforts to rescue it are futile. Dr Katherine Rake, Chief Executive of the Institute, said:

‘[F]amilies were pulling society in multiple directions, between work and home life, singleness and cohabitation and marriage, between growing older and forming families across our many cultural divides.’

Dr Rake will use her first major speech in the post to warn against the ‘trap’ of attempting to preserve traditional family structures through Government initiatives. She will also forecast a dramatic change in the role of parents in the next decade.

She predicted that there will be no such thing as a ‘typical family’ in the next 10 to 20 years. She said:

‘People are constantly redefining what it means to be a family. What we are seeing is that family shape is changing all the time, the notion of a traditional nuclear family … certainly isn’t the norm now.

‘Because people are having children later and because there is more divorce and separation, what is happening is that people draw on resources from right across the family and their families can be more involved,’ she added.

With mothers beginning to play a less dominant role in children’s lives because of greater work commitments, fathers will experience a change comparable in scale to that seen by women since the 1950s, she predicts.

An estimated two million families in Britain already rely on the older generation for help with childcare while about 200,000 grandparents are now sole carers, the Daily Telegraph reports.

Iain Duncan Smith, a former leader of the Conservative Party and the current Chairman of the Centre for Social Justice, warned that for many young people, extended family ties no longer exist because of break-ups in previous generations.

‘It is getting more and more difficult for parents in some poorer backgrounds, on estates, because the family structures have been collapsing now over the last 20 years, largely encouraged by the state,’ he said.

‘For a young girl to get a council house near her relations is more and more difficult … that extended family link is often severed by the fact that they can’t get living near their parents.’

Sam Smethers, Chief Executive of Grandparents Plus, a national charity which champions the vital role of grandparents and the wider family in children’s lives, said she had noted the same trend toward more communal parenting.

‘There is a much more complex structure of family life than there has ever been before. It might be step-siblings, it might be cousins, it might be aunts and uncles providing that role, it is a sign of how families are changing,’ she said.

David Willetts, the Shadow Secretary of State for Universities and Skills with responsibility for family policy, said that the traditional two-parent family remains the ‘mainstream aspiration’ for most young people.

The Conservative Party is proposing tax breaks for married couples which would allow women who stay at home to pass on their allowance to their husband. David Cameron has given a pledge to recognise marriage through the tax system in the first term of a government led by him. Senior Tories then claimed they want to allow couples to combine their tax-free allowances – currently £6,475 – to boost their incomes.

However, it was reported this week that soaring state deficits could force Mr Cameron to water down the plans despite the last Treasury figures, which suggested that allowing all married couples to transfer their allowances would cost nearly £5billion and would benefit 41 per cent of husbands and wives. The figures showed that the tax break would save most money for high earners, making them better off by £2,590 a year.

Andrea Minichiello Williams, Director of CCFON, said: ‘The breakdown of the traditional family is the inevitable outcome of the departure of our society from biblical principles of love, truth and purity. The moral confusion brought about by the poisonous ideology of moral relativism knows no limits. Our desires and prayers are that this country does not turn its face from God but acknowledges Him as the Creator of the family where the unity of love between husband and wife create a reliable and trusted structure for the raising of children’.

Questions:

1) The number one predictor of divorce is:
a) Ongoing disagreement over money and financial issues.
b) The habitual avoidance of conflict.
c) Yelling and screaming during fights.

2) Couples that “go the distance”—whose marriages are successful—have fewer disagreements about the three core issues: sex, money, and housework.
True or False?

3) Couples that are constantly yelling or complaining are doomed.
True or false?

4) When discussing a problem or disagreement, it is important to:
a) Keep feelings out of the discussion, and try to stick to the facts.
b) Be sure you can accurately state your partner’s position, including his or her feelings and fears about the
issue being discussed.
c) Focus on practical solutions—on solving the problem. Too much discussion can sidetrack you.

5) Extramarital involvement occurs in happy marriages and is not necessarily a symptom of a distressed relationship. True or False?

6) After the birth of the first child:
a) There is little impact on the marriage; the quality of a marriage depends more on issues of couple compatibility.
b) The marriage enters the “warm glow” stage and stays there for several years.
c) Marital satisfaction drops.

7) Couples should try to resolve most of their disagreements as soon as they com up. True or False?

Answers:

1) b. Which is sad, because we usually avoid conflict precisely because we are so much in love, and we fear that disagreeing or fighting might cause a divorce. We’re aware that there has been a 50-percent divorce rate for 30 years, and we’re scared. But the way to have a happy marriage is to understand that disagreement is a normal and expected part of any loving relationship and to learn how to handle the inevitable disagreements that will come up.

2) False. Research shows that the couples that make it and the couples that fail disagree the same amount. They also disagree about all the same issues, and there are five core issues, not three—add children and in-laws/friends to the list. It turns out it’s not whether you disagree that makes a difference (that’s normal and very much to be expected); it’s how you handle your disagreements that matters.

3) False. Yelling, complaining, crying, and even revisiting the same issue “over and over and over” might be annoying, but it’s behaviors like avoidance, disengagement, contempt, blame, criticism, and “the silent treatment” that lead to divorce. Complaining is saying, “It drives me totally crazy when you call and get the answering machine, and don’t leave a message!” Criticism is, “You are so inconsiderate! You never leave a message when you call.” Contempt is deadly: “Some people know what an answering machine is for. I guess that takes a brain. More proof that you’re as dumb as your mother.” Complaining—even if you yell, even if it’s the same old complaint—brings up the issues. That’s a good thing. Criticism and contempt erode love.

4) b. Many disagreements have nothing to do with the facts, and everything to do with our feelings about them. It is crucial that you understand each other’s positions—both what you think about the issue, and also how you feel about it, your fears, ambivalence, and dreams. Oftentimes understanding and mutual respect are all you really need; some issues don’t have solutions. In fact, most disagreements in a marriage have no solution—they are chronic or “irreconcilable.” Couples simply need to how to manage them and keep them from contaminating the rest of the marriage. Mary Matalin and James Carville are the poster couple for how this can work.

5) True. Many people who have affairs report that their marriage is fine, they love their spouse and family, and they don’t love their paramour—they just wanted excitement or variety and deluded themselves into thinking that if they were clear about that then it wouldn’t hurt anyone. Frank Pittman, M.D., author of Private Lies and Grow Up!, says a man’s male relatives’ and buddies’ views on monogamy are a better predictor of affairs than the quality of the marital relationship. For example, if a Kennedy was faithful for too long, his dad might have asked if he was eating his Wheaties. Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., author of Rekindling Desire, agrees. McCarthy believes that a commitment to honesty is as important as a commitment to monogamy. Often couples discuss how they will deal with money, kids, and housework before they marry, but not what they’re going to do when sex gets stale or someone’s attracted to a coworker or neighbor.

6) c. There is so much more to disagree about. This is when couples really need skills. In 70 percent of couples, marital satisfaction drops during the three months before and the three months after the birth of the first child.

7) False. All couples have approximately ten issues they will never resolve. If you switch partners you’ll just get ten new issues, and they are highly likely to be more complicated the second time around—especially if kids are involved. What’s important is to develop a dialogue or “dance” with your particular set of irreconcilable differences, just as you would cope with a chronic bad back or trick knee. You don’t like them, you wish they weren’t there, but you keep talking about them and learn how to live with them.

By Carolyn via TheGrownUpChild

Have you ever agreed with someone on a topic only to realize later, after closer consideration that you didn’t agree at all, and you wish wish wish you could go back in time and change your answer?

Just me?  Oh.

As a guest on the online radio show Coparenting Matters, one of the co-hosts Talibah asked me this question (I’m paraphrasing): “Would you agree that it’s not divorce itself but how parents can conduct themselves after divorce that hurts children?”

It’s an interesting question and something that I’ve heard before and yet never carefully considered.

It sounded logical enough.  We all know that parental conflict whether it’s pre or post divorce hurts children.  That research is well documented.  It would follow, that in such cases a child would benefit from divorce.  Most would also agree that happy parents are more effective in their parenting, so again if a marriage is making parents unhappy, their children will benefit from a divorce.  And with children benefiting from divorce, all parents really have to worry about is co-parenting effectively while keeping conflict to a minimum and well beyond their children’s eyes and ears.  By doing so, their children will be just fine.

So…I agreed.  But it bothered me.  I kept thinking about that question.  And when I really thought about it, I was surprised by how much I didn’t agree.  In fact, I don’t know if I could disagree more.

The statement, ‘Divorce doesn’t hurt children, only conflict does’ says to me, ‘Don’t worry about helping children with their negative emotions related directly to divorce because there aren’t any.  Coparent effectively while conducting yourself appropriately and children of divorce shouldn’t have to any negative emotions at all.’

It’s an almost ridiculous premise.

And yet, I agreed.  I can’t believe I agreed.  Because in that agreement I essentially sold out all of my fellow children of divorce.  Shame on me.

So I’m going to fix it.

Divorce in and of itself, emotionally hurts children.  Even if at the same time it benefits them.  And if divorced parents don’t acknowledge that, they are doing their children a disservice.

I understand my parent’s divorce.  It doesn’t make me angry and I’ve never once in my whole life wished for them to reconcile.  I do not believe that parents should remain in unhappy or conflictual marriages for the sake of their children.  Don’t believe me?  Check out this post I wrote months ago.  But does any of that mean my parents’ divorce didn’t hurt me?  Of course not.  It hurt me on a fundamental level.

My parent’s divorce shattered my core senses of stability, family and love.  I was no longer a kid simply worrying about kid things.  Suddenly I was navigating immense changes to my family while realizing it would never look or feel the same again.  From then on, I was always either missing my dad or missing my mom.  My belief in unconditional love came to a screeching halt and I started to wonder what might negate their love for me too.  And the fact that my parents never talked badly about one another and never involved me in anything inappropriate didn’t help me deal with any of those emotions.

If you’re not a child of divorce, put yourself in our shoes for just one minute.  Imagine having your family torn apart and there’s not a darn thing you can do about it.  Imagine everything in your life changing and you don’t know where it’s headed or if you’ll recognize anything once it stops.  Imagine everything being turned upside down and being told that you have focus on reorienting yourself to being upside down for the rest of your life, because that’s just the way it’s going to be from now on.  Loved ones away from you, not knowing what the hell is going on or what’s going to happen, and learning to live your life inverted.

Now that you’ve walked a minute in my shoes, try the ‘divorce doesn’t hurt’ statement out.  See if you can not shake your head at it’s absurdity.  It would be like saying ‘someone living the rest of their life upside down shouldn’t really be bothered by that fact.  The only thing that hurts the upside down ones is when others point and laugh at them.’  The fact that insult isn’t added to injury doesn’t mean the injury doesn’t exist.  The same goes that just because divorced parents work well together in the aftermath of their divorce, doesn’t mean that their divorce hasn’t shaken their children to their cores.

The belief that ‘divorce doesn’t hurt’ is a fallacy that I think parents need to be careful not to adopt.  A child’s long term or even immediate benefit does not counteract divorce’s pain.  And acknowledging that, is the first real step in helping your child cope.  Allowing guilt to blind you to the reality that your actions, your divorce, has hurt your child is understandable.  Nobody wants to believe they’ve hurt their kids.  But by not accepting, acknowledging, or validating your child’s pain, not only are you not helping them to work through it, you are actually encouraging them to both question their own feelings and consequently bury them deeper.

So come on divorced parents!  Get comfortable with your guilt.  Look it in the face and then get ready to do the hard work that’s required to be rid of it by actually helping your kids.   Divorce hurts everyone.  You have the benefit (hopefully) of your knowledge, hope and understanding that it’s pain will fade or be outweighed by it’s benefits.  Your children do not, so don’t expect that from them.  Don’t allow them to comfort you and take away your guilt by showing you how ‘unaffected’ they are.  Accept responsibility for the pain you’ve caused and then do something about it.

In short, you be the parent.  Let them be the child.

Even if they never say the words, they’ll thank you for it.

For military children of divorce, www.thefamilytree.org can be a great source. 

When we think of those who serve our country, we picture episodes of bravery and sacrifice, punctuated by emotional experiences of separation from home and loved ones.

For those fortunate enough to return home, we imagine the joy of homecoming, of reuniting with their spouses, children, parents, and friends of concluding their service and sacrifice. This is often where our images stop - families happy to be reunited - but for many it is the beginning of a different kind of suffering.

Despite the valuable skills many have acquired during their months or years of service, a high percentage of our returning troops are unable to find work in a civilian world that is not prepared to receive them. In the robust economy of 1992-2003, the unemployment rate for military personnel two years after separation was more than double that of the general population (9.5 percent to 4.3 percent). In August of 2005, it was concluded that veterans age 20-25 had an unemployment rate of 15.6 percent as compared to 8.7 percent for non-vets in that same age group.

At least 29,038 U.S. troops have been wounded in action during their deployment in Afghanistan and Iraq as attested to in an article from January 2008 entitled, “Honoring the Fallen: US Military KIA, Iraq/Afghanistan www.BlueNC.com.”

For many, the wounds received in combat resulted in traumatic injury to their brains. According to Charles S. Ciccolella, Assistant Labor Secretary for Veterans’ Employment and Training, “What you’re seeing is a recognition that each war is different. Each war has its signature injuries, and TBI and PTSD are those of Iraq and Afghanistan, where service is characterized by successive deployment and frequent blasts from roadside bombs.”

These invisible wounds, PTSD and addictions, can be just as debilitating as the physical ones and impact not only the service member, but also their families. For example, Army researchers saw alcohol misuse rise from 13 percent among soldiers to 21 percent one year after returning from Iraq and Afghanistan, underscoring the continuing stress of deployment for some troops.

Post-traumatic stress for returning troops and veterans deployed once is estimated at 30 percent according to the National Center for PTSD www.ncptsd.va.gov. Separation anxiety hits every family of a deployed troop. In addition to stress reactions, some returning soldiers experience depression that culminates in suicide. According to a June 16, 2008 article in Time magazine, at least 115 Army soldiers killed themselves last year, including 36 in Iraq and Afghanistan. That’s the highest toll since the Army started keeping such records in 1980.

Many soldiers returning from Operation Enduring Freedom (OEF) and Operation Iraqi Freedom (OIF) struggle to reconnect with spouses who have had to cope with life’s challenges on their own. Many fail in those attempts, and the divorce rate amongst the military community has risen from 9 to 15 percent. They also face the challenge of parenting children who have grown and changed. The increased risks of child abuse and neglect as well as domestic violence are issues that our veterans and returning troops face. In post-deployment reassessment data, researchers saw soldiers with anger and aggression issues increase from 11 percent to 22 percent after deployment.

Recognizing the impact of military service on the stability and functioning of families, Dr. Donald Cassata, Director of Adams County Department of Human Services, chose in November 2007 to partner with Family Tree, to provide support to active duty military personnel and veterans in the form of financial assistance and connection with community resources, including those focused on employment, physical and mental health, housing, clothing, and transportation.

More recently, Arapahoe and Jefferson Counties have also partnered with Family Tree to help restore the stability to families who have risked all they had and all they were to serve and support us. Since 1976, Family Tree has provided a broad range of services and shelter to families and youth of metro Denver to overcome child abuse, domestic violence and homelessness.

Family Tree is proud to now also serve military families with respect and honor, working with them to solve the unique challenges they face. Family Tree is committed to providing effective and successful programs that deliver demonstrable impact in the lives of our clients, and recently received the 2009 Governor’s Service Award as the Outstanding Non-Profit Organization.

To qualify for the services offered by Family Tree’s Military Family Assistance Program (MFAP), you must be active military or a veteran residing in Adams, Arapahoe or Jefferson County with dependent children. For more information on MFAP, go to the Family Tree website at http://www.thefamilytree.org/.

John Baumann is the supervisor of Family Tree Military Family Assistance Program. Moose Robinson is the case manager of Family Tree Military Family Assistance Program in Jefferson County. EDITOR’S NOTE: This is an online-only column and has not been edited.

SOURCE

Earthquake in Zipland is a recommended tool for military children of divorce in order to help express and release their feelings, and talk through the pain of these issues with their parents.