Your Child - Your Divorce

Divorce is undoubtedly one of the most emotionally and financially difficult events in a persons life. Most of us have heard horror stories about custody battles and protracted litigation, or, perhaps, have experienced this first-hand. As divorce has become, unfortunately, more prevalent, the legal system has struggled with ways to minimize the impact of divorce, especially where children are concerned. Most people realize that divorce has a long term effect on children. What some may not realize is the extent of the emotional impact of a protracted and contested divorce on even small children.

In a collaborative divorce, the parties seek to minimize the amount of pain experienced by children and parents by agreeing not to go to court and instead to participate in a series of negotiations to address all aspects of their divorce. The parties agree that all discussions and information provided remains confidential The parties are not permitted to use threats of litigation, custody or otherwise. The parties are permitted to withdraw from the process, but, if either chooses to do so, both lawyers are prohibited from representing the parties in any divorce proceedings. If the parties reach an agreement, their lawyers prepare the necessary papers to finalize the divorce.

Collaborative lawyers are specially trained to work with their clients in this process. The parties and their lawyers also decide whether additional support professionals should be included within the collaborative team. These individuals are also trained in collaborative practice and assist with questions concerning finances and children. In addition to a financial advisor and a therapist, parties can also include a child specialist in the process.

In many situations, the children will be heard in the process through the child specialist, but will not participate directly. Even in cases where there is a minimal level of conflict, it may be in the children’s best interest to be kept out of the collaborative meetings. Having children attend one such meeting, even in a neutral non-adversarial setting, can place the children in the uncomfortable position of having to choose sides. By having the children speak to a child specialist, parents can give their children a say in the process without placing them squarely within a situation that may be too emotionally difficult for them.

Clients often question the cost of this process. Cost is a huge factor for most couples as they divorce. In a traditional divorce, litigants’ often have little or no over legal bills once the litigation template becomes the engine of their divorce. Litigants are completely unable to control the time their lawyers spend waiting in court to be heard, the volume and length of correspondence exchanged between counsel, or the extensive Pretrial discovery, required by the Court, but often not particularly needed by the clients.

Most people realize that divorce has a long term effect on children. What some may not realize is the extent of the emotional impact of a protracted and contested divorce on even small children.

In a collaborative divorce, the parties seek to minimize the amount of pain experienced by children and parents by agreeing to participate in a series of negotiations to address all aspects of their divorce. Collaborative lawyers are specially trained to work with their clients in this process. The parties and their lawyers also decide whether additional support professionals should be included within the collaborative team. These individuals are also trained in collaborative practice and assist with questions concerning finances and children. In addition to a financial advisor and a therapist, parties can also include a child specialist in the process.

A child specialist works in much the same way as a guardian ad litem in that the specialist acts as a voice for the children in the divorce process. Unlike the guardian, the child specialist does not assess the parents and children and does not make custody recommendations. The child specialist is a member of the collaborative divorce team who acts as a neutral advocate for the children.

Like all members of the collaborative divorce team, the child specialist is trained in the principles of collaborative law. During the parties initial meeting, the parties and their collaborative team will discuss the role of the children in the collaborative divorce process. In many situations, the children will be heard in the process through the child specialist, but will not participate directly. Even in cases where there is a minimal level of conflict, it may be in the children’s best interest to be kept out of the collaborative meetings. Having children attend one such meeting, even in a neutral non-adversarial setting, can place the children in the uncomfortable position of having to choose sides. By having the children speak to a child specialist, parents can give their children a say in the process without placing them squarely within a situation that may be too emotionally difficult for them.

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Okay - so despite our best intentions, the marriage doesn’t always work out. People change, fall out of love, decide to live differently either alone or with a new partner. Is there a ‘best divorce’? Well, the divorce that seems least painful for all concerned is likely to be an end to the marriage from which both partners emerge with little to no rancor or malice. You’ve heard the surprisingly sane explanations: “We grew apart. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. Neither of us felt as happy in the marriage as we wanted to. The separation was a mutual decision.”Sometimes two people are ‘in love with love.’ After the fairy tale wedding and tinseled honeymoon, reality sinks in. Perhaps one partner begins to feel penned in, as if a committed relationship for life may not encourage the type of personal growth the individual craves. Or the other partner realizes she married ‘on the rebound’, and the decision to tie the knot with her ’second choice’ husband was simply premature.  Read the rest of this entry »