Your Child - Your Divorce

Bill Sears of Billsarena.com being interviewed regarding child custody and shared parenting on The Fox Morning Show With Mike and Juliet, live in New York on Monday May 14. The show was inspired by the political and family ramifications of Alec Baldwin, David Hasselhoff, Brittany Spears and Charlie Sheens custody fights and issues.

The decision to leave a marriage, when there are children involved, creates many unsettling questions: Will the kids be okay, how will they handle having two homes, two lives, parents that don’t live together? Will they be angry at me? Am I being selfish by only thinking about myself? The good news is that studies have shown that Divorce isn’t a traumatic event for children. The bad news is that what happens after can be, though it is something in your control. So take the reigns immediately and focus on your children’s transition into this new living situation.

Your job as a parent has always been to care for, protect and love your children at all costs. Your job now, is still that, but with even more emphasis on how much they are loved. Once you accept that, you are ready to focus on the transition of your children having two homes, each that provides a safe environment and a parent figure that loves unconditionally. Here are a few ways you can make the transition into having two homes a little easier.

The goal is to make each house as self-sufficient as possible for your child:

1- The only bag they should have to bring is their school back pack, which they are used to bringing everywhere anyway. Each house should have all the clothes they need for the amount of time they spend there. Even if it means going to the store to buy a whole new set of clothing, do it. It’s a small inconvenience for you, but will assure them this is “home.”

2- They should have a room in each house that they feel safe in. Whether they share a room, or have their own space, let them help you create the space the way they like.

3- Have books, games, computer and video games that they are used to having.

4- Do not try to recreate the old house. Each house does not have to be the same, as little differences will be what make your time and your space, special.

5- Set up routines, just as you did as a larger family and create new ones as well. Often we want to win them over by having fewer rules, yet in fact children flourish with routine. Children need routine and if they’ve always had it, they will need it now more than ever.

6- Have family dinner time. No one ever said “family dinner” had to be a certain amount of people. Family dinner merely means a time for you to all sit down, eat and share a piece of your life with each other. Don’t give that up, no matter how loud the TV calls to you.

7- Talk, talk, talk. Be direct. Ask them how it is for them having two homes, without fearing the answer. Ask what their favorite part is, as well as what the most difficult part it. Then just listen, no matter what their answer is. This open communication with them, one that is safe for all feelings, will assure them of your love for them.

The goal here is to have them feel that no matter which parent they are with, they are “home”, not just visiting. Think about what makes your home feel homey and then create that for them as well. You will be amazed at how well they adjust. The old saying really is true: Home is where the heart is. And hopefully they will experience an even happier heart from you than they ever did before. Don’t get stuck in the fact that it isn’t going to be the same, because you are right, it isn’t. I will repeat that: it isn’t going to be the same. But now is the time to embrace the change and see what great things can come from it!

In most states, a court’s decision about child custody during a divorce used to be simple to make. The judge would give custody to the mom. The dad got alternating weekend visitation. Now, custody decisions are drastically more complex. Many states have adopted a standard called “best interests of the child.” Judges are required to weigh a list of factors to determine which parent is the proper custodian of the children. The level of complexity in custody decisions has drastically risen and decisions are no longer clear-cut.

Florida is one state that places an emphasis on the protection of children involved in a divorce. The best interests of the child are the guiding principles in Florida. Domestic relations law of the state outline a list of factors a judge must consider in every custody decision: 1. the child’s school and home history; 2. the permanence of the child’s proposed home; 3. the continuity of the child’s situation; 4. the parent’s ability to provide the necessities of life; 5. love, affection, and existing ties with either parent; 6. any history of domestic violence; and 7. the parent most likely to promote the child’s continued contact and relationship with the other parent.

There are two factors that appear to be most important: 6. the history of domestic violence and 7. the parent most likely to promote the child’s continued contact and relationship with the other parent. The importance of considering domestic violence is obvious. If a child is awarded to a violent parent, the safety of that child might be compromised. But most people are not aware of and do not understand why factor #7 is so important: the parent most likely to promote the child’s continued contact and relationship with the other parent. And because there is so little awareness of this factor, it presents both a great opportunity and great danger for parents seeking custody of their child. The “best interests of the child” standard was developed by lawyers, judges, child psychologists, and social workers. It represents a balancing of interests and is designed to benefit the child. The states that have adopted this standard believe a child should have a continuing bond with both parents, even after a divorce. And that mutual bond is best promoted by a parent that promotes visitation with the non-custodial parent.

The parent that appears to promote the child’s contact with the other parent will get a strong preference in a custody decision. The parent that refuses visitation with the other parent will hurt themselves in a custody decision. Cooperation with visitation can take many forms. A suggested pattern of conduct includes: avoiding discussions of adult – divorce issues with the children, making reasonable arrangements for weekly visitation, openness about sharing holidays with the children, and participating in joint decision making about major children’s issues.

If you are contemplating divorce, you should educate yourself about how courts and judges make decisions. By educating yourself, you can make sure a judge will look favorably at your behavior. A divorce does not have to be a guessing game. The educated spouse will always get a more favorable outcome.

Copyright 2005 The Divorce Center P.A.

About The Author 

Howard Iken is a Divorce Attorney practicing in the Tampa Florida area. His telephone number is 888-439-3486. More information on child custody decisions can be found at http://www.18884mydivorce.com/pub/Childcustody/child-custody-factors.htm General information on all divorce issues can be found at http://www.18884mydivorce.com.

When parents come to an agreement on a detailed parenting plan that reflects the overall best interest of their child they will often enjoy a more stable, predictable, and consistent schedule by reducing the amount of misunderstandings, conflicts, and legal costs often associated with litigation and the courts. A parenting plan is a document that is created in the context of a child custody matter to help the parents outline a parenting schedule, which may include a description of their timeshare with their child and each parent’s responsibilities to raise their child.

How can parents and their children benefit from a detailed parenting plan? Creating a detailed parenting plan can provide predictability in the parenting schedule for both the parents and their child. This allows the parents to make plans for their child and implement a regular and consistent parenting routine for him/her. A child who knows in advance which parent he/she will be with and what he/she will be doing can feel more secure, stable, and self-confident than a child who is left constantly worrying and wondering where he/she will go and what he/she will be doing.

How can a detailed parenting plan reduce my legal costs? Having a detailed parenting plan can reduce the likelihood of misunderstandings between the parents and the conflicts parents often face with ambiguous parenting schedules. Having a detailed parenting plan can reduce the potential for disagreements between the parents thereby helping the parents stay out of court and away from litigation. Over time, parents who have a detailed parenting plan in place typically experience lower legal fees and attorney costs, which are often associated with high-conflict child custody disputes and protracted child custody litigation.

Although a detailed parenting plan will generally benefit both the parents and children involved in a divorce and child custody dispute, you would be wise to consult an attorney to learn where you stand legally on your particular matter and to learn if a detailed parenting plan is the best approach for your situation before entering into any sort of proposed parenting plan agreement.

© 2007 Child Custody Coach

Child Custody Coach supplies information, online materials, and coaching services to parents in the field of child custody, namely, divorce, child custody and visitation, child custody evaluations, 730 evaluations, parenting, and all issues related to child custody and divorce. “How to Win Child Custody - Proven Strategies that can Win You Custody and Save You Thousands in Attorney Cost!” is a unique child custody strategy guide written by The Custody Coach and made available by Child Custody Coach in an easy to read, understand, and apply E-Book format. Custody Match is an online consumer and family law attorney matching service to help you in your search for the right attorney for your divorce or child custody case. Custody Match can help you find the right family law attorney, divorce lawyer, or child custody attorney in your area.

About the Author

Steven Carlson is the founder of Child Custody Coach. He is known nationally as The Custody Coach and provides one-on-one coaching services to parents in the field of child custody and divorce. He is the author of How to Win Child Custody.

By Dr. Reena Sommer

In the past when a couple divorced, a father’s role was limited to financial support and the occasional visitation with his children. Until the changes in the divorce laws during the 1970’s, this state of affairs prevailed and for the most part, was accepted as the norm. Custody battles were almost unheard of and the status of fathers as “weekend Dads” went virtually unchallenged.

In the 1970’s divorce laws in many western countries underwent a major overhaul. One of the most significant changes was making both parents responsible for the care of children following divorce. This single change had tremendous implications for people with children getting divorced. While the financial implications of shared parental responsibility were overtly obvious, there were also important considerations regarding how children would be parented post divorce. For the first time, the courts recognized “joint custody” as a symbol of parents’ shared responsibility toward the care of their children. With this change, it became apparent that fathers were now recognized as “functional” parents and not just a source of financial support.

An important fall-out of the changes to the divorce laws that formally recognized fathers as real parents, was the emergence of custody battles. As noted previously, they were uncommon up until this point. However, with the changes to the divorce laws, disputes over custody became a growing phenomenon. While children are generally the focus of these very nasty fights over custody, in most cases, it is money that is at its root.

Many would argue that this simply is not so - those battles over custody have to do with the respective abilities of each parent to provide safe and nurturing care for their children. However, a closer look at the dynamics of custody battles reveals that sadly, the children become a bartering mechanism where access time is traded for a financial settlement.

The most obvious question is “why” should money and children become the driving forces behind custody battles? The answer lies in these two related issues:

• The provision for child support relies on the amount of residential time share each parent has. Thus, if the time-share is almost equal, theoretically little if any, child support is due. Similarly, if the primary breadwinner was to have a greater proportion of the time-share, then the same principle would apply. Finally, if a parent who had been a stay at home parent was no longer to have primary care and control of the children, then not only would child support be a limited issue, but so would the obligation to pay large amounts of spousal support.

• The provision for differential joint parenting arrangements provides the impetus to negotiate an unequal division of assets. Whereas in the past, when mothers’ sole custody and/or status as the residential parent were rarely in dispute, opportunities to include property and asset issues in negotiations were almost non-existent. With the changes in the divorce laws, it is now possible for the parent with the larger share of assets to offset his or her divorce liability by using custody and access as factors in divorce negotiations.

Overall, the changes in the divorce laws have done much to recognize childrens’ right to have both parents in their lives. It has also come a far way in recognizing fathers as being more than a meal ticket by advancing fathers’ custodial rights. On the other hand, the downside of these advances is resistance to the change and opportunities to use children as pawns for financial purposes.

Unfortunately, child custody battles are often part of bitter divorces. If you and your spouse can’t reach an agreement about custody, you need to prepare yourself in the event that your custody case goes to trial.

Today, it can no longer be assumed that the mother will get custody of the children. Instead, what judges consider during a custody trial is based on the “best interests of the child”, and they try to give custody to the parent who will provide the best environment and upbringing for the children.

To win your child custody case, you will need to prove to the judge that it is in the best interest of the children to be with you. In preparing for a custody case, be aware that your parenting skills and daily interactions with your children will be thoroughly inspected by a judge. Just telling the judge that you are a good parent won’t be enough. You need provide documentation and testimony from witnesses to back up your parental capabilities.  Read the rest of this entry »

Custody evaluations are very important in determining child custody and access during contested divorce proceedings. Divorce courts give considerable weight to the recommendations of the evaluator.

Below are some guidelines that will assist when you prepare for your custody evaluation with the expectation of ending your custody battle:

• Arrive on time at your custody evaluation interview.
• Dress neatly and conservatively.
• Be honest. The custody evaluator will likely check out your statements with collaterals and/or other sources.
• If the custody evaluator chooses to use psychological testing, ABSOLUTELY answer honestly. The tests are designed to detect defensiveness and lies and unless you are an expert in psychometric testing, you are unlikely to fool them.
  Be sincere. The custody evaluator can usually detect over embellishment and insincerity.  Read the rest of this entry »