Your Child - Your Divorce

Rafael Richman, Ph.D.

The process of separation and divorce can be very painful for you and for your whole family. Below, however, you can find some tips and details to make talking to your children about your decision to separate or divorce somewhat easier:

1. Choose an appropriate time and place for your conversation.

Choose a time and place that works for your children. The best location for most children and families is at home, where it is comfortable and private. A quiet environment is better – minimize distractions, turn off all phones (including your cell-phones), the television, and the computer. Put your children first. Make your time during and after the meeting flexible. It is much better for your children if you are available afterwards. This allows your children the opportunity to talk with you and to be with you, if they so desire.

2. Expect that when you disclose that you and your spouse plan to separate or to divorce, that it will be difficult for you.

Expect that, prior to and when you talk to your children, you will feel strong feelings such as: feeling apprehensive, feeling a sense of trepidation, and feeling uneasy and nervous. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. If you are able to, be kind to yourself and accept that it is normal and natural to feel these feelings. Give yourself permission to be “human” and real.

3. It is okay to express and show your feelings.

It is okay to express your true feelings in front of your children, as long as you are able to contain and own your feelings. Use your discretion and common sense. Know that your children may become frightened when witnessing your feelings, if they are strong and negative [e.g., anger or hostility]. Most children, though, can handle seeing your softer, underlying feelings – tears, sadness, hurt, and pain. For example, you may wish to start by saying something like, “…this is very hard and scary for me/us to talk about, and it probably is for you too…”

4. Be brief and sincere.

It is preferable to keep your talk [“speech”] brief, direct, and clear. Avoid long explanations. Know that most kids tend to tune-out when adults provide lengthy explanations and “speeches”.

5. Adjust your words to the age-appropriate level of your children.

Do your best to talk about your plan to separate or divorce in terms that your child can grasp and understand. In general, younger children comprehend concrete terms and examples better than the abstract ideas and words.

6. Allow your children the space, time, and opportunity to absorb what you say and to feel their feelings.

7. Remember that each child is unique.

Anticipate that you may receive different reactions from each child. Some children may initially feel shocked and surprised. Others may have sensed that this was coming for some time, and be less reactive.

8. Expect that your children may experience strong and intense reactions.

Some children keep their feelings more inside, and others tend to be more externally and verbally expressive. Most children will, however, react strongly with feelings ranging from outrage and anger, to discomfort and confusion.

9. Acknowledge and validate what your children are feeling and where they are at.

Refer to my articles on listening – “Nourish your Child with the Gift of Listening” series – for more detailed information on this topic.

10. Prepare for lots of questions and concerns from your children.

Answer as best and honestly as you can, and realize that sometimes the best answer you can give your child is an “I don’t know”.

11. Honor and respect your children’s individual needs.

Some children may wish to be with you; some children may wish to spend some time on their own; some children may cope better by being with their friends.

12. Expect and know that no matter what you say and do, that your child may feel and believe that they are responsible and to blame for your separation and divorce.

Realize, and this may be obvious, that this is the beginning of what will likely be an ongoing series of discussions with your children. This is the beginning of a process of adjusting and readjusting to your new family situation.

For more articles by and information about Dr. Richman see http://www.drraf.com/

Rafael Richman, Ph.D.

Parents often come to my office feeling frustrated, exhausted, and overwhelmed. Many of them explain to me that they feel they are at the end of their rope and at a loss for what to do. Having read numerous books and articles on parenting, experimented with all sorts of techniques, talked to friends, school counselors, and teachers, they long for something that works; something that they hope might possibly help them in dealing with their child.

While some parents wish and request that I “fix” their child, many say they would be grateful to settle for anything that may help their child and alleviate their feeling frustrated.

Through years of consulting with parents, working with kids in therapy, and leading parent-skills training groups, I experimented with different approaches to helping parents. In wanting to simplify a large body of information, I arbitrarily categorized the world of parenting into two philosophies: behavioral and humanistic. I strongly advocate and practice the latter, while I grudgingly (and with disappointment) accept that the former continues to be widely adopted. Before elaborating upon my preference for humanistic parenting, I’d like to briefly describe the behavioral model.

The behavioral approach to parenting is based on the premise that children’s behaviors can be shaped through modifying the consequences in their environment. Common terms in the behaviorist’s vocabulary are: reinforcement, reward, punishment, tokens, shaping, and time-out. In certain circumstances and situations, implementing behavioral strategies can effectively and quickly change a child’s behavior over the short-term. I believe this is one of the reasons behavioral techniques maintain their widespread appeal with parents and professionals. Moreover, research has repeatedly demonstrated that one of the best ways to immediately reduce or eliminate an undesirable behavior (e.g., hitting, temper tantrums) is to punish a child as soon as possible following the emitted action. Behavior management programs seem to work best when the parent or teacher holds a position of power over, and maintains a reasonably high degree of control over the child.

When I trained as an intern, I counseled parents on ways to set up these behavioral systems in their home to enable them to reduce or control their child’s “unwanted” behaviors. Our programs seemed reasonable, simple, and commonsensical. Parents and I, however, soon started noticing some reoccurring common patterns and problems. The first two to three weeks was a “honeymoon” period. At this stage of the program, the charts and rewards were often fun for the parents and kids. The ideas were new and fresh. With most honeymoons, though, the novelty and behavior changes did not endure. The reduced effectiveness, or total breakdown, became predictable. Parents told me stories of their kids becoming bitter and resentful, and tearing down the star charts off the refrigerator door. The once-effective rewards (e.g., T.V., video games, money, candy), were no longer sufficient. Parents and I also observed another common problem with this approach: when the parent was not present (i.e., the person in charge was not around), the children usually reverted to their previous actions. For instance, Billy would act “good” when mom and dad were watching, but he would return to hitting his sister when mom and dad weren’t around.

I felt uncomfortable advocating and supporting a system that was based on parents having control and power over their children. This contradicted my belief that children are intelligent human beings who deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Another troublesome outcome associated with the behavioral techniques was that kids seemed to react with negative feelings, such as feeling angry or feeling scared, toward their parents. This prompted my search for another way to enhance the emotional climate in the home.

What, then, is an alternative? What is humanistic parenting?

Humanistic parenting is an attitude, a philosophy, and a way of relating to your child. It is an approach where the inner goodness of the child is valued.

A core principle of humanistic parenting is respecting children and treating them with dignity. A useful exercise to help in following this fundamental principle is to ask yourself the questions, “would I like to be treated that way?”, and “how would I feel if I was in their shoes?”. If the answers are “no” and “I would feel disrespected”, then your actions as a parents most likely do not follow the humanistic parenting philosophy.

When treating their children with respect and connecting with their children’s feelings, parents are empowered. They often experience considerably less feeling guilty and frustrated.

In the humanistic approach, children are allowed to have and to feel their feelings. I am not proposing that kids be allowed to go around hitting whomever they please! I am, however, suggesting that children (just as adults do) are entitled to express their feelings in a constructive nonviolent manner. In allowing their feelings an outlet, children often feel better about themselves, and feel accepted by their parents.

Humanistic parenting practitioners also respect the feelings of parents. Through being aware of, expressing, and communicating their feelings, they can act as sincere and genuine models to their children.

Skills and terms in the humanistic parenting vocabulary include: active listening, acknowledging and validating feelings, openly communicating your own feelings, problem solving, describing, and giving information.

Some professionals and parents believe that the skills and techniques from humanistic philosophy are not sufficient for dealing with “difficult” and “tough” children with serious problems. My experiences, generally, have not supported this assertion. Contrary to these concerns, I have repeatedly witnessed the success of humanistic parenting strategies with a wide range of children.

It is sometimes beneficial to incorporate skills and strategies adopted or borrowed from the behavioral model within the humanistic framework. The key seems to be how these techniques are used and the underlying attitude that parents have when relating to their children. For instance, it may be helpful for a parent to use a version of the time-out strategy when their child is feeling very angry. Within the humanistic framework time-out could provide the child an opportunity to cool down and maybe even to reflect on his feelings. It would be used in a respectful, non-punitive manner, and often with the previously agreed upon consent of the child.

Although it may take longer to see the results of the humanistic approach with “difficult” children, in the end, those children incorporate values and acceptable behaviors that tend to endure. Rather than questioning themselves whether their actions will elicit a sticker or reprimand from their parents (or teachers), children learn healthy ways to act and to express themselves in everyday situations.

When humanistic parenting is consistently adopted by parents, I believe that long-term changes are possible in all families and with all children. The positive feedback from parents bolsters my conviction that this is an effective and respectful way to relate to children.

For more information and for techniques that were developed from follow a humanistic parenting philosophy, I often recommend the following books: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish; Parent Effectiveness Training, by Thomas Gordon; and Kids are Worth It!, by Barbara Coloroso. Videos, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and Barbara Coloroso, are also available.

Participating in parenting groups and consulting with a professional who is familiar and experienced with the humanistic approach may also be helpful ways to practice and fine-tune these skills.

This article was previously published in the B.C. Psychologist, July 2001 issue, and as the cover/feature article in Balanced Life magazine, January, 2002.

Dr. Rafael Richman, Ph.D. is a psychologist and psychotherapist in Jerusalem, Israel. In addition to consulting with parents, Dr. Richman offers counseling and therapy for adults, couples, children, and families. He works with: persons labeled “ADHD”, individuals who feel depressed, anxious, or angry; people experiencing stress in their jobs; and persons having relationship difficulties. Dr. Richman can be contacted at dr_raf18@yahoo.ca or at 02.561.7184.
For more about Dr. Richman click: www.drraf.com.

By Rafael Richman, PhD

When you and your child interact, what often happens is that your child communicates or conveys a message to you, and in response feels partially heard, or does not feel heard at all.   For instance, your child’s message may be to express an idea, a thought, or a feeling-emotion, to you, and your response may be to problem-solve and to give a solution or to provide parental advice and wisdom to your child.

One consequence of this “dance” is that your child may have a sense of not being heard and understood.  Your child may experience this as an empty feeling.  For your child this may also be accompanied by a vague unsatisfied sense.  This empty and unsatisfied feeling may be outside of your child’s conscious awareness and is often very subtle.  In families where these poor communicating patterns occur repeatedly, children may get used to not feeling heard.

A deep human need is not being fulfilled.  A consequence of this is that your child may end up feeling frustrated.  If this feeling unheard happens a lot, your child may also feel invisible, unloved, unimportant, alone, and insecure.    Your child may sense that it is not safe for him to express his feelings.

Children cope with this lack of being heard and their corresponding feelings in different ways.  Children who are still developing their verbal skills or who have difficulty with knowing, labeling, and communicating their feelings, may resort to indirect strategies for getting across their inner experience.  Shutting-down and keeping their feelings to themselves is one possible action.  “Turning up the volume” is another.  While the former action may manifest as the child “going quiet” and not verbalizing, the latter may manifest more externally and noisily as crying, temper-tantrum-ing, screaming, nagging, acting out, or any number of behaviors.

As an adult and a parent you are able to turn to friends, close family, or your spouse to vent your feelings, to talk, and to feel witnessed and heard.  If you are able to recall an instance when you experienced feeling really and truly heard and understood, you most likely felt positive about this interaction.  Truly being heard feels satisfying, complete, and feeds the soul.  Some adults and parents seek a professional ear [counselor, doctor, psychologist, rabbi] as a means to feel heard and to fulfill this need.

Feeling heard and understood is often accompanied by a sense of clarity.  People who talk and feel heard are often better able to sort out what is going on for themselves, what is important to them, and what they are thinking and feeling.  This ideally enables them to move on.  Feeling heard can provide the opportunity to get unstuck and to allow for movement and action.  It can be energizing, enlivening, and motivating.

A classic example in parent-child interacting can be used to illustrate this point.   Suppose a child falls and lightly hurts himself, and then, crying, approaches his parent.  The child may wish to let his parent know that he fell and that he is experiencing some degree of pain.  In the perfect world, the parent would validate and empathize with her child’s feelings of pain, the child would feel heard, stop crying, and then run off to continue playing.  In a non-perfect world, the parent would respond to her child by getting frustrated, angry, or by being non-attentive to the child’s message.  In this scenario the child may feel worse, continue to cry, and may feel irritated and annoyed.

In the perfect world scenario, the parent nourishes the child by responding in an attuned, empathic, and genuine way to the child’s experience.  The child then is often able to move on to their next activity.  Parents living in the real and non-perfect world, however, may be tired, busy with other kids or people, self-absorbed in another task or activity, distracted, overwhelmed, preoccupied with their thoughts, or perhaps engrossed in their own strong feelings.  For whatever reason, parents may be unable to and unavailable to witness and to listen to the child in that moment.

Expect that this will happen.   Expect that there will be many occasions where you will not really listen to your child.  You may be relieved to know that the next opportunity to correct this “error” will arrive soon.  We can also think about this as opportunities to do t’shuvah for a het [sin; going off the mark].  G-d continually provides us with chances to correct our path, and to get us back on the mark and back on track.

The unfortunate truth is that it is often incredibly difficult to really listen to others who are closest to us; and this includes our children.  It can be easier to listen to and to respond positively to a stranger or a casual acquaintance.  It is less likely that these individuals are setting off all of our reactive triggers and pushing our buttons.  It is easier to listen to someone when we are not as invested in the relationship.

The choice to improve listening habits is yours.  If you decide to pursue this path, expect that changing the dynamics and the interaction patterns between you and your children will require ongoing work, conscious effort, and continuous practice.    Active and sincere listening is a skill. Unpracticed skills get rusty.    Your child deserves to be nourished.   Are you willing to work at de-rusting your listening habits?

Children long to experience being understood, being heard, and being truly seen by their parents.  Opportunities for you to provide this gift to your child arise each and every moment.

Strive to increase the nourishing responses and to decrease the non-nourishing responses to your children.   Modifying this nourishing to non-nourishing ratio, I believe, is a do-able, reasonable, and worthy endeavor.  Practical ways to implement this idea will be described in upcoming articles.

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It may be worthwhile for you to take a moment and reflect on the following:

When you “listen” to someone [your child] are you truly listening to them?
Are you truly present and “with” them?

Is it hard for you to hear your child?  Do your own thoughts, feelings, and reactions get in the way?  Do you find yourself reacting [e.g., getting angry, frustrated, impatient] to what they are saying?

When you “listen” to someone [your child] are you thinking ahead to what you will say next, in response to their comment?  Are you truly listening or are you more invested in working hard to get you point across?
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Dr. Rafael Richman, Ph.D. works as a psychologist and psychotherapist in Jerusalem, Israel.  In addition to consulting with parents, he offers counseling and therapy for adults, couples, children, and families.  Dr. Richman works with:  persons labeled “ADHD”, individuals who feel depressed, anxious, or angry; people experiencing stress in their jobs; and persons having relationship difficulties.  Dr. Richman can be contacted at dr_raf18@yahoo.ca or at 02.561.7184.  For more about Dr. Richman click: www.drraf.com

Fear is one of the most known emotions in a divorce. Just about everyone involved is going to have some kind of fear and they are not going to be sure what is going to happen in their life. This is true for the adults as well as children. The fear of not knowing is the hardest thing to go through but with the right help and motivation anyone can make it through a divorce of any kind.

You have to learn to confront your fears when you are going through a divorce. You have to know what is going to happen and what you have to be prepared for. This is your life and you are going to need to be in control of as much as you can to make it through this hard time. If you do not learn to confront your fears of divorce, you risk losing your emotional and physical health and the happiness that you deserve in your life.

Many worry that they will be all alone in life after divorce. They are afraid that they will lose their family and friends. The best thing to remember that if they were your friends before the divorce they should still is afterwards. There is no reason that you have to try and keep true friends. They should stand by you and support you because they care so much for your well being.

Many also are afraid that they will lose their sense of security. They will no longer have someone to help them and support them the way that a married couple does. This is truer for women but men will also have to face this fear. It is scary at first but once a person learns how to deal with it and move past the fear and get on with life, they will be fine. It is just going to take some work on each individual’s part.

Being insecure is the most feared problem with divorce. There are so many people that are very afraid of what will happen after the divorce. They are not going to feel like they are attractive anymore or they may feel like there is something wrong with them. This is a very normal fear to face. However the only way to get through this type of problem is to build up your self-esteem again. You have to realize that you are fine and that these things happen to a lot of people and you can go out there and meet someone else to make you happy again.

It is not the end of the world just because you are going through a divorce. You can move past it with time and healing and as you go things will get better and you will be able to move past the fear and be happy once again.

SOURCE

By DK Simoneau

Divorce these days surrounds us. Children everywhere are affected. It affects our grandkids, our nieces and nephews, our neighbors, our students or patients, and many other kids that touch our daily lives. Sometimes on the outside it’s hard to know what to do.

After all, these kids are missing their parents. They are subjected to different rules and routines. Sometimes they are even the victims of intense emotional battles that rage between their parents. From the outside looking in, it’s a helpless feeling watching these situations. So just what can you do? Here are ten suggestions to help make a difference for a child of divorce you might know:

1. Give lots of hugs. A child who is being bounced around between homes may not be getting the kind of love and attention she needs. Don’t force it, but be ready to show affection when she needs it. Pay extra attention to the children. Mom and Dad often don’t realize how neglectful they have become and the kids need all the love they can get.
2. Listen. When a child is feeling comfortable enough to talk to you about the situation, just be there and listen. You don’t need to offer suggestions just give them a safe place to share what they are feeling.
3. Suggest a support group. If you have the kind of relationship with either parent that you can make suggestion, you may want to suggest a support group. There are divorce groups for the parents as well as grief organizations (such as Rainbows.org) for kids.
4. Don’t talk down about either parent. Children need a safe-haven for discussion and if you insert your feelings, especially negative ones, the child is less likely to feel comfortable talking with you.
5. Read together. Reading out loud can be very soothing. You may wish to include a few books on the subject of divorce or split-family living. It may be enough to help them realize the feelings they are keeping inside and begin opening up about them. It also helps them to realize they are not unique in this kind of lifestyle. If it seems appropriate give or lend the books to the parents to possibly begin their own conversation.
6. Stay neutral. No matter how bad you want to take sides, don’t. Keep those feelings to yourself and help the children feel comfortable about confiding and sharing feelings.
7. Do not get involved. Unless you are legally required to do so, do not get involved. It is very difficult to know both sides of a story, nor do you probably want to. You may some day need support from both parents for some unknown reason and you do not want to have burned any bridges.
8. Stay firm. Whatever rules or expectations were in force in your dealings with the child should not change. Softening your expectations sets the child up to use his circumstances to not be the best he can be. Staying firm can be one step that can prevent a child from spiraling into poor behavior.
9. Start a new tradition. Offer to take the child to the library and start a book club where you each pick a book for the other to read. Maybe go for ice-cream on Tuesday afternoons. Do something to reinforce your relationship with the child.
10. Learn the routine. If you show frustration with the schedules and routines, children will see that. If instead you accept the routines and try to make the best of it, you will take extra frustration out of the child’s life, and he doesn’t feel like he is doing something so unusual.

Source: We’re Having a Tuesday

By Linda Freedman, PHD

Let’s take the case of Ellie. (all names, all ages, all identifyers are made up in this post).

She’s 9. Her parents divorced when she was 6 because they argued about everything and occasionally couldn’t control themselves, pushed and shoved too much. Her father grabbed her mother’s mother and bruised her badly in the final event that ended the marriage.

But Ellie thought all along (as I’ve said in other posts on parenting and divorce) that it was her fault that her parents divorced. Many of their arguments, and she heard SO many, centered around her. Drawing conclusions at that age isn’t as hard as you’d think.

Well, Mom and Grandmom moved far away, taking Ellie with them, which is not at all unusual. Dad had to work the legal system hard to get his little girl back in Chicago. He still only had visitation every other weekend. But at least Ellie was here, living with Mom and Grandmom, and oh, yes, and Mom’s significant other was never far away.

If you’re thinking family systems and are not automatically villifying Dad, assuming he’s a violent monster, then you might see that Grandmom played an inordinately large role in that marriage. In this case it was her advice about raising Ellie that conflicted with Dad’s, and Mom could not extricate herself from the conflict, couldn’t side with her boy.

There were other things going on, too. Usually divorce isn’t a consequence of just one variable, especially not the enmeshment variable, which seems so normal to people. Couples will more likely blame their relationship problems on outside relationships. Other significant others are usually a function of relationship/family problems, like . . . enmeshment.

Knowing that Grandmom played a large role in the marriage, you can assume that she also will play a large role in the couple’s post-divorce conflict. Divorce rarely ends the conflict, not without lots of smudging and dirt.

Should you bring Grandmom into the therapy?

She has an overly large presence in the narrative so certainly you want to see if and how Grandmom enmeshed Mom and how Ellie is also discouraged from developing into her own person. You can test that to a degree by finding out how well socialized Ellie is with other children, whether or not she does anything after school except homework and television.

But I’d bring Grandmom in just to confirm my guess and watch her in action, give her power to decide that Ellie needs more running room outside the family and how that should happen. Rather that fight a system, I work with it.

I’d try not to see her too often, though. She wouldn’t be one of my favorite persons and she’s not my patient. I’m not changing her or her world view and wouldn’t begin to try unless she really wants to work with me. I really don’t need her to get results, but she could, ultimately, really help the situation if she were amenable.

The judge ordered therapy in this case because Ella stuttered and was failing in Chicago, even though she did quite well in school prior to her move back into town.

I taught her some assertiveness, encouraged her to speak her feelings to her Mom, Grandmom, and Dad, more often, to make it a general habit.

See, and people wonder, why don’t you do much play therapy, Therapydoc? I feel guilty stealing, is why. Most kids need social skills training, not to play with a grown-up person, unless it’s their Mom or Dad. Truthfully, I will do play therapy when a kid isn’t verbal, but Ellie could talk and wanted to talk.

I coaxed her to ask her teacher for help. When the teacher said, Try it first on your own, she was to answer back and say, I already tried. I just don’t get it. Please help me. That worked, by the way. It made the teacher more aware of Ellie as a person, put her on the map.

How do I know? Systems therapists talk to teachers who are key players in a kid’s ecosystem. I don’t get it that other docs can’t spend ten minutes on the phone with teachers. You know who you are. Sorry if this is becoming a rant. Ignore me.

But don’t ignore this.

I titled this post Divorce or no divorce-your kid because I’m sure Ellie would have stuttered and had problems in school no matter her parents’ marital status.

Just being married is no lock on your kid’s sense of security and well-being. You have to be on top of that as parents. Security doesn’t come with the umbrella of “marriage” or even “committment”.

I bring this up here because one of the things Ellie told me in private was that her father didn’t call her very often. Dad SAID he’d call to help her with school work twice a week, but he forgot. And Mom didn’t have the skills to help her and very much left the job of teaching to the school. She also had a one-year old baby.

So when Ellie would be sitting at her desk and the teacher would pass back the homework and hers would have a big ZERO or a big fat F at the top, she would cry there silently, then force herself to smile and to try to socialize as if there was nothing wrong.

And at the end of the day, her Mom or Grandmom might ask, I really think they did, How was school? How were your grades? But Ellie wouldn’t share that experience with them.

After all, how easy is it to talk about failure at any age?

Then there’s Dad, forgetting to call. Yeah, I could have strangled him. He was the one bringing Ellie to therapy. He was the one with insurance, a house in the burbs, the better communicator.

So here’s the real universal parenting truth, Divorced or not divorced, your kid needs that emotional check up at the end of the day.

Like you, your kids need to hear questions like, Did the world give you a beating today? How are those kids in your class? Any mean ones? Anyone mean to you? How ’bout that teacher. Nice? They’re not all nice. Are you scared to ask for something if you need it, like a pencil?

If you act like you care, they’ll answer you honestly. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to run right over and fix the problem. But you have to take your kid’s emotional temperature. Then you can go from there.

By the way. Start this while they’re young and you won’t seem like an alien to the kid during adolescence, all of a sudden going, Why in the world are you hanging around with THAT kid!

For kids, learning to talk about their lives, their day, is liberating and intimate. That’s why once they get into it, they want a PHONE. Academic (work) intimacy is key and it’s your job as a parent to foster the process, the skill of communicating events and feelings.

We don’t all do it naturally, you know, talk about ourselves.

About the Author:

Linda Freedman, LCSW, LMFT, PhD is in private practice in Chicago.  She blogs to rewire the way people think and is available to speak about almost about anything that affects mental health, relationships, and family life.  Read more at EveryoneNeedsTherapy: TheBlog

Divorce can be tough on the entire family, especially when it is your kids or grandkids who are going through it. Couples divorcing are often not aware of the emotional effects of their divorce on the other family members.  As a parent, you want to help - but you dont want to (and sometimes cant) get involved. Divorce recovery is not easy on the family but here are some do’s, don’ts, and tips to help you handle things when your son or your daughter says, “Mom and Dad, I’m getting a divorce.”

By  Laura Johnson

1. Don’t become personally involved in your child’s divorce.
2. Don’t ask your friend, the lawyer, to represent your son or daughter.
3. Don’t go to meetings between your son or your daughter and his or her lawyer.
4. Don’t let your son’s or daughter’s divorce affect your relationship with your other children.
5. Don’t interfere with your son-in-law’s or daughter-in-law’s visitation rights with your grandchildren.
6. Don’t say bad or derogatory things about your child’s spouse in front of your grandchildren.
7. Control your protective instincts and avoid becoming caught up in the nastiness of the “he said-she said” side of divorce. Recognize that divorce and family break ups are highly charged emotional events and can easily erupt into violent situations. Take precautions to protect your family’s safety.
8. Do listen to your son or daughter if he or she confides in you about the break up of the marriage; be supportive, but don’t say things that will fuel feelings of anger, distrust, anxiety, or hopelessness.
9. Don’t help your child hide money or assets. If you’re caught, in addition to becoming a party to your child’s divorce or a legal action after the divorce, you could jeopardize your own assets.
10. Do pay extra attention to your grandchildren. Their mom and dad may become so caught up in their own feelings about the divorce, that they will unintentionally fail to spend enough time listening to and doing things with their children.
11. Realize that your grandchildren’s schedule of life will be drastically changed. They will be shuffled between dad’s home and mom’s home and each parent may jealously guard his or her time with the children. You may have to make special plans, weeks in advance for family get-togethers so that you have time with your grandchildren.
12. If either of your grandchildren’s parents will not let you have time with your grandchildren, learn about the grandparent visitation laws in your state, and take legal steps enforce those rights if necessary.
13. Your grandchildren need you during and after their parent’s divorce. Call them on the phone, write letters, send cards, and spend time with them.
14. If your son-in-law or your daughter-in-law will have custody of your grandchildren, talk to him or her about your access to your grandchildren. Understand that it will be probably be uncomfortable for everyone and that you may be met with resistance, resentment and suspicion. Plan, in advance, for ways you can reduce those feelings.
15. Become involved in making “new” family traditions for your child and grandchildren to replace those lost in the ending of your child’s marriage.
16. Attend your grandchildren’s special events, such as sports games, recitals, and school affairs where families are invited.
17. If there are allegations that your son or your daughter has abused or neglected your grandchildren, be prepared for the possibility that you may be ordered by the court to supervise his or her time spent with your grandchildren. Take this responsibility very seriously and assume that you will have to tell the judge, under oath, about what occurred during the times you supervised your child’s access to your grandchildren. During the time that you are charged with this responsibility, never leave your child alone with your grandchildren and be prepared for the possibility that you will become a target of your child’s spouse or ex-spouse.
18. Do help your child become educated about the divorce process, financial planning, child custody, and recovery from divorce.
19. If you own property, especially real estate, with your son and daughter be prepared to be named as a party to the divorce proceedings. This is so the court can “divide” the property in which you have an ownership interest.
20. If your son or your daughter moves into your home during the pendency of his or her divorce, set rules about household chores, payment of household bills, transportation, and payment for room and board. Have your child sign a lease evidencing your agreement and require regular payments.
21. If your grandchildren, as well as your child, live in your home during the pendency of your child’s divorce, discuss with your child how your grandchildren’s day care, transportation, discipline and social life will be handled.
22. If your child doesn’t have any money, receive sufficient financial support, or have enough income to pay for everything that he or she is supposed to, plan for the possibility that you may become a secondary source of financial support for your child and grandchildren.
23. If you loan your child money to pay for your child’s or your grandchildren’s living expenses, always do it with a promissory note. If possible, secure your loan with any property that your child may receive in the divorce or with your child’s future earnings. Make sure that you charge a reasonable rate of interest and expect monthly payments.
24. Plan for the possibility that your child may ask you for large sums of money to pay divorce lawyers and other costs of litigation. If you do provide money, always do it in the form of a loan, charge interest, and demand repayment, but expect that it will take a long time to get your money back, if you ever do. If possible, secure your loan with any property or fee award that your child may receive in the divorce.
25. Tell your child and your grandchildren that you love them. Give them lots of smiles, hugs and kisses. They need them more than ever during and after a divorce.