Your Child - Your Divorce

Children are often the biggest casualties in divorce. Parents who fight over child custody, visitation, child support and other child related divorce matters sometimes lose sight of how devastating a divorce can be on a child, even under the most amicable circumstances. In July America is recognizing the first National Child-Centered Divorce Month. Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, initiated this designation as a time for professionals who counsel divorcing parents to stress the importance of putting their children’s physical, emotional and spiritual needs first when making crucial life-altering decisions affecting their entire family. July is being recognized as the first National Child-Centered Divorce Month throughout the United States. This is a time for parents, therapists, attorneys, educators, clergy and other professionals to remind parents about the importance of putting their children’s needs first and foremost when a divorce or separation is pending.

To read more about child-centered divorce, See: http://pr-gb.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=2586&Itemid=9

When a new study comes out showing that Ritalin use doubles in children of divorce, it is easy to assume the very public perception that divorce is always bad for kids. But is it really that simple?

Below, Professor Lisa Strohschein asks the following question: ‘Is it possible that divorce acts as a stressful life event that creates adjustment problems for children, which might increase acting out behavior, leading to a prescription for Ritalin?’

Or as this blogger puts it so well:

People often use psychiatric diagnoses as if they’re explanations when really they’re nothing more than descriptions. The idea is that science will ‘fill in the gaps’ and explain how these differences occur.

The trouble is, the behaviour described by an ADHD diagnosis could occur because of genetic influences on brain development, because divorce is causing emotional distress, because the child is being bullied, or for any number of other reasons.

Ritalin is likely to help regardless of what is causing the child to be disturbed, because it helps the child focus by boosting attention.

The question is, should children be prescribed drugs because they are distressed by a divorce? There’s no definite answer in every case as each child and each situation is different.

But perhaps we should be concerned that children are likely being prescribed psychiatric drugs as a ‘quick fix’ for emotional distress and behaviour problems when research shows that parent training programmes are safe and effective.

Ritalin use doubles after divorce, study finds

By Scott Anderson Tue Jun 5, 9:47 AM ET

TORONTO (Reuters) - Children from broken marriages are twice as likely to be prescribed attention-deficit drugs as children whose parents stay together, a Canadian researcher said on Monday, and she said the reasons should be investigated.More than 6 percent of 633 children from divorced families were prescribed Ritalin, compared with 3.3 percent of children whose parents stayed together, University of Alberta professor Lisa Strohschein reported in the Canadian Medical Association Journal.

The study of more than 4,700 children started in 1994, while all the families were intact, Strohschein said. They followed the children’s progress to see what happened to their families and to see what drugs were prescribed.

“It shows clearly that divorce is a risk factor for kids to be prescribed Ritalin,” Strohschein said.

Other studies have shown that children of single parents are more likely to get prescribed drugs such as Ritalin. But is the problem caused by being born to a never-married mother, or some other factor?

“So the question was, ‘is it possible that divorce acts a stressful life event that creates adjustment problems for children, which might increase acting out behavior, leading to a prescription for Ritalin?”‘ Strohschein said in a statement.

“On the other hand, there is also the very public perception that divorce is always bad for kids and so when children of divorce come to the attention of the health-care system — possibly because parents anticipate their child must be going through adjustment problems — doctors may be more likely to diagnose a problem and prescribe Ritalin.”

Ritalin, known generically as methylphenidate, is a psychostimulant drug most commonly prescribed for the treatment of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder in children.

There is a big debate in much of the developed world over whether it may be over-prescribed — given to children who do not really need it. In March, a University of California, Berkeley study found that the use of drugs to treat ADHD has more than tripled worldwide since 1993.

Strohschein said it is possible that some mental health problems pre-date the divorce, so “it is possible that these kids had these problems before, but are only being identified afterward.”

Her study was not designed to find out why the children were prescribed the drug.

“I might be finished with the survey, but I am not necessarily finished with the question,” she said in a telephone interview.

Bill Sears of Billsarena.com being interviewed regarding child custody and shared parenting on The Fox Morning Show With Mike and Juliet, live in New York on Monday May 14. The show was inspired by the political and family ramifications of Alec Baldwin, David Hasselhoff, Brittany Spears and Charlie Sheens custody fights and issues.

Raleigh, N.C. - Rosen Law Firm, one of the largest divorce firms in the state, now offers its clients and their children a new therapeutic resource, Earthquake in Zipland by Zipland Interactive Ltd. It’s the first research-based interactive story aimed at helping children ages 9-12 cope with divorce.

About Rosen Law Firm
Rosen Law Firm has offices in Raleigh, Charlotte, and Chapel Hill. Founded in 1990, the firm is dedicated to providing individual growth and support to couples seeking divorce by helping them move forward with their lives. Our staffs of attorneys and other legal professionals expertly address the complex issues of ending a marriage. Our innovative approach acknowledges that divorce is so much more than just a legal matter. Practice areas include child custody, alimony, property distribution, separation agreements, and domestic violence relief. For more information visit: www.rosen.com

About Zipland Interactive
Zipland Interactive is in the process of developing other high quality edutainment computer games, aimed at helping children deal with common emotional and psychological issues in day to day life. The combination of the two different fields within the group - psychology and game play - has helped to produce a unique approach that is both entertaining and effective. For more information visit: www.ziplandinteractive.com

SOURCE: Christian Science Monitor 

Sixteen months after his divorce, Richard Parker made a devastating discovery. A DNA test revealed that his 3-year-old son had been fathered by someone else.

Mr. Parker immediately filed a lawsuit claiming fraud by his apparently unfaithful ex-wife. He took his case all the way to the Florida Supreme Court. Last week, the Florida justices ruled 7-0 against him. They said that Parker must continue to pay $1,200 a month in child support because he had missed the one-year postdivorce deadline for filing his lawsuit. His court-ordered payments would total more than $200,000 over 15 years to support another man’s child.

“We find that the balance of policy considerations favors protecting the best interests of the child over protecting the interests of one parent defrauded by the other parent in the midst of a divorce proceeding,” writes Justice Kenneth Bell for the court.

“We recognize that the former husband in this case may feel victimized,” he writes. He then quotes a scholar to explain the ruling: “While some individuals are innocent victims of deceptive partners, adults are aware of the high incidence of infidelity and only they, not the children, are able to act to ensure that the biological ties they may deem essential are present.” In effect, the high court is saying it’s partly Parker’s fault for trusting his wife.

 The Parker case illustrates an increasingly contentious debate over the rights and responsibilities of divorced fathers who have been duped and don’t challenge paternity at or near the time of divorce. But it also raises fundamental questions about the nature of fatherhood and the legal responsibilities that can attach to a father-child relationship – even when that relationship is the result of fraud and deception by a wife and mother.

Most states have laws that permit courts to order men who have been deceived to continue to make child- support payments even when they have no biological connection to the child. The idea is to minimize any disruption in the life of the child. In recent years, some states have begun passing laws that give deceived dads some ways to fight back.

There are no reliable estimates of how often “paternity fraud” takes place. Some findings suggest 4 to 10 percent of fathers, but no definitive study has been completed. Unlike most duped ex-husbands in the US, Parker may still prevail in court. Last summer the Florida legislature passed a law that allows men to use newly discovered paternity evidence (like Parker’s DNA test results) to overturn a court order to pay child support for someone else’s child.

The June 2006 law is aimed at preventing the kind of outcome ordered by the Florida Supreme Court. The policy approach taken by the Florida Legislature stands in sharp contrast to the “policy considerations” cited by the state supreme court justices.

Supporters of the Florida law see it as a major step toward justice for deceived ex-husbands. Critics see it as a potential danger to the well-being of mothers and their vulnerable children.

In addition to Florida, Ohio, Georgia, Maryland, Alabama, Indiana, Virginia, Arizona, and Wyoming have laws allowing ex-husbands to overturn a child-support order when deception or fraud by an ex-wife is discovered, according to the National Conference of State Legislatures. By contrast, most other states set a one- to four-year deadline for fathers to file lawsuits challenging paternity determinations.

The idea behind the deadline is that any action taken in a marriage breakup should be completed while the child is as young as possible to avoid a major disruption during the most formative years.

“We don’t want a system where a child is 10 years old and you have people who come in and undo what has been put in place many years before,” says Susan Paikin of the Center for the Support of Families in Silver Spring, Md.

Ms. Paikin says that it is up to the adults in the relationship to thoroughly investigate any paternity issues at the time of the divorce.

But fathers’ rights advocates say that few husbands are aware of a paternity deadline and its legal implications. And many have no idea that their wives have been unfaithful. In generations past such infidelity might have gone undetected. But the advent of DNA testing is changing that. It is giving new momentum to a debate over how best to provide for broken families.

“There is no perfect answer,” says Paikin. “There are a lot of people who will argue that it is always in the child’s best interest to have a relationship with the biological parent and that should override everything else. There are others who believe just as fervently that being a parent has more to do with being caring and nurturing, and that is what makes you a father.”

Part of the difficulty in paternity disestablishment cases is that once the financial contribution of the nonbiological father is terminated, the courts do not recognize a legal right to continued contact between the child and the man.

“It is the ultimate Catch-22 for my client,” says Parker’s lawyer, Scott Lazar of Miami. “On the one hand he has a relationship with this child and cares about this child and would probably be willing to provide money for this child, but he doesn’t want to provide it to the mother to use as she wishes.”

Family court judges aren’t interested in fostering a continuing relationship between men and the children of their ex-wives, says Carnell Smith, who runs a DNA-testing company and is founder of Atlanta-based US Citizens Against Paternity Fraud. “The court is only concerned about financial payments.”

Judges generally view the man in a divorce proceeding as nothing more than a “walking checkbook,” he says.

Smith says that instead of targeting deceived ex-husbands, the legal system should investigate the conduct of the wife and hold the mother and biological father responsible for the child they produced.

“In no other area of the law do we punish the victim for the conduct of two other people,” Smith says. “For me it is disingenuous for the Florida justices to turn around and say [to Parker] ‘Well, it is your fault that you didn’t find out sooner.’ ”

The Florida legislature tried to balance the law to avoid forcing children onto welfare rolls, says Tom Sasser, chairman of the family-law section of the Florida Bar. It rejected a proposal to allow ex-husbands to recover prior child-support payments. It also rejected a proposal to allow triple damages against deceptive mothers. Instead, the law allows ex-husbands to be released from future payments.

And that, advocates say, opens the door for some ex-husbands to attempt to build a trusting relationship with someone new and perhaps start a family without the burden of a court-imposed financial debt hanging over his new wife and children.

This touching letter was written by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, courtesy of the Jerusalem Post, who cries out to Britney Spears and addresses important issues regarding the effects of divorce on children and our responsibilities as parents:

Dear Britney, - I’m writing to you not as a fan, because I am not that knowledgeable about your career. Less so am I one who follows your personal life, because aside from high-profile stories about a lack of undergarments and your pending divorce, I don’t know that much about you. Rather, I am writing as a fellow parent.

I understand that of late you’ve developed an interest in Judaism and have been sporting a Magen David. That’s nice. I hope that in Judaism you will find inspiration and direction for your life. So allow me to share with you a teaching of the ancient rabbis: Who is wise? One who sees the outcome of one’s actions.

You have two children, I have eight. I am sure that we share in common an infinite love for our kids. That you had children early in your career always impressed me. It meant that you knew what was truly valuable in life. Other starlets postpone having a family because it might interfere with the endless accumulation of fame and money. But you took time off from a successful career to be marry and become a mom. That shows character.

BUT ONCE you become a parent, Britney, life gets really serious. Everything you do impacts on your children. Whether you are at home at night or at some nightclub matters. Whether you are in a stable relationship or switch men regularly will determine the stability of your children’s environment. And whether you have a good name or a bad name directly affects the choices your children will make.

We can all pretend that life is one big party devoid of responsibility. But when we have children the illusion abruptly ends. And rarely being home, or coming home drunk, or letting your kids see you in a degraded state, will permanently scar your kids.

Few things are more pleasurable in life than feeling that you are your child’s hero. I still remember when my eldest daughter composed her college entrance essay. She wrote how she had learned from her father not to waste time and that every moment counted.

When I read that, I was walking on air. Wow, I was her role model. But, conversely, I remember how I recently lost my temper at another daughter and yelled at her. I humiliated myself in front of my precious little girl, and I felt sad and pathetic.

You have to start thinking about these things, Britney. Your actions have always affected the public. Your manner of dress has influenced many young girls to copy you. Truth be told, it doesn’t seem like you have ever really cared about the negative impact you’ve had on those girls. OK, I get it, they’re strangers. Why should you care about them?

But you now have two very young, innocent sons. It’s already going to be pretty tough on them, seeing that they will never have any recollection of their parents being together. All they’ll ever know is the divorce.

DIVORCE is hard on kids, Britney. I should know. My parents divorced when I was a boy of eight. That’s why it’s incumbent upon parents to do their best in the wake of a divorce to give their kids all the stability they can.

But you’re making it that much harder on your boys by allowing yourself to become a negative caricature.

It’s amazing how fast our kids grow up. Soon your boys will be surfing the Internet. They’ll see a lot of photos of you in poses that no son should ever see his mother. The fact that so many young boys around America might download such pictures may not bother you. But one day these boys may be your own children, and that would be unconscionable.

I understand that Madonna is a friend of yours. I have to confess, I have always harbored a bit of a grudge against her, which would seem foreign to someone like me because Madonna studies Kabbala, visited Israel, and seems to love Jews and Judaism. So why am I not more appreciative?

Well, for many years Madonna vulgarized our culture, exposed her body to America’s teenagers and generally portrayed women in a highly degrading light. But after she became a mom, she moved to England, essentially complaining that America was too decrepit a culture to raise kids.

That’s a bit unfair. When it was our kids, she didn’t mind corrupting them. But when it was hers, she fled to a safer environment.

SO I BESEECH you, Britney. You’re a very popular entertainer. Please act in a manner that will be an inspiration both to your kids and to ours.

You’re young enough to make real changes in your life, changes that would benefit you and your environment. You’re a woman of great influence, and what you say and do matters. Here are a few brief suggestions:

Try and be home with your kids at least five nights a week. I realize you are single now and would like to date. That’s understandable. No woman should have to be alone. But why not go out after the kids are in bed, or on weekends?

Have a relationship with a man who respects you and keep that relationship out of the public eye. This way you’ll be able to tell whether he’s dating you because he loves you or because he can get publicity off you.

Make sure your kids have a healthy relationship with their father. I realize you and Kevin Federline may be fighting over money right now. But don’t let the kids suffer because of it. Even after divorce, kids need two parents.

COVER UP. Try and dress in a manner that, should you have daughters, you would want them to dress. Modesty will lend you dignity, as Madonna has discovered.

Limit the visits to the nightclubs. They’re often meat markets that aren’t conducive to dignified living. Also, it messes up your next day, seeing as they only get going very late at night. And people drink pretty heavily at clubs. As a mom you have serious responsibilities that alcohol can impair.

I know you can get your life together, Britney. You’ve shown real promise in the past. And as the Jewish sage Hillel said, “And if not me, then who? And if not now, when?”

God bless you,

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach

The writer hosts “Shalom in the Home” on the The Learning Channel and is the author of Ten Conversations You Need to Have with Your Children.