Your Child - Your Divorce

One of the most common feelings experienced when you go through a divorce is anger. It’s pretty universal whether you initiated the divorce or not.

There are several reasons for this. Of course there is the rejection that’s experienced when your spouse tells you they don’t want to be married to you anymore. But then you throw in all of the other details such as the kid’s reaction to the family separating, splitting up finances and possessions, and everyone else’s reaction to the divorce, you’re bound to have an angry outburst once in awhile.

Even though the feeling may be universal, the expression of it is as varied as the people involved. Today, let’s look at some of the most common reasons for anger after a divorce.

Acknowledging that you’re angry is the first step to being able to manage it. Don’t try to ignore it and act like it isn’t there. That’s a recipe for an all out explosion, maybe toward someone that doesn’t deserve it – like your kids.

1. Anger toward your ex-spouse – They are an easy target aren’t they? It’s not difficult to see them as the ones responsible for everything.

• If your spouse left you – they are the horrible person who did this to you.
• If you chose to leave - it was because your spouse was such a lousy partner.

While anger at the beginning of the divorce process is to be expected, what happens if you carry it around with you like a badge of honor? How helpful is that to you in the long run? How helpful is that to your children?

2. Anger your kids express toward you about the divorce – Kids don’t like change. They like their lives to be simple, with no wild cards thrown in. When a divorce decision is made, it’s out of their control. They don’t have a say in it and there will be so many changes for them. You can expect some anger because they know their lives will be drastically altered.

3. Anger at the changes in your circumstances – Let’s face it, your life is different now. This couple you’ve been a part of no longer exists. This family you helped create has altered in appearance. You are now a single parent. What does that mean to you not only as a parent but as an individual too?

Financial circumstances have more than likely changed as well. This may have caused a move, a new job, less luxuries and more stress.

These are the three main reasons for the overwhelming feelings of anger during and right after a divorce. Now that you know them, it’s important to figure out what to do with them.

All of us want to be better parents and eventually be a better partner. I invite you to check out my latest special report “I’m Just So Mad!” Dealing with the Anger of Divorce” to learn effective ways of managing this strong emotion so that it doesn’t overtake you and your ability to move forward from your divorce. Remarriage Success.com’s mission is to prepare remarrying adults with children for their new family and marriage. We offer helpful resources to guide you every step of the way. Alyssa Johnson is the founder and CEO of Remarriage Success, she encourages your comments and feedback.

On the home page of my website I have a quote saying “Over 60% of re-marriages end in re-divorce.”  I frequently get asked, “Why is the divorce rate higher?”  People state confusion over this because they believe that since they’ve been divorced once before, they’ll know the danger signs to look for and they are more determined to have what they call a “successful” marriage.  All of that sounds good, but let’s look at what the realities are.  The following are some of the most common reasons for a higher divorce rate in remarriage.

A remarriage has one of the same partners who were present in your last marriage.  Most people don’t take the time to evaluate WHAT went wrong.  They just assume the problem was the WHO.  Unfortunately that’s not the case.  It’s important to look at what happened to cause the marriage to deteriorate.  While it’s tempting to assume that your ex-spouse was the problem, they weren’t 100% responsible.  Without taking time to look at YOUR part in the marriage’s demise, you are destined to repeat the similar, if not the same, mistakes.

A divorce experience doesn’t suddenly reveal special awareness of relationships danger signs.  Unfortunately, people jump into new relationships way too quickly after their divorce.  They are not truly prepared to be in a committed relationship in the way that a new marriage requires.  Most people are still reeling from the many changes and/or losses they experienced as a result of their divorce.  Continuing to be wrapped up in what happened in your last marriage doesn’t build a stable foundation for a new marriage.

Remarriage commitment is less than a first marriage.  By virtue of a marriage being a remarriage, it means one member of the couple has been married before.  If the previous marriage ended in divorce that means a conscious decision was made to terminate the marriage.  That’s a boundary which was crossed over.  After that boundary is breached once, it is much easier to come to that conclusion again.  Divorce isn’t an unknown entity.  You may not have liked it but you endured it.  Because of this, it becomes a more viable option than it did in a first marriage when things get rough.

A step family is an unknown in our society.  Step families are quickly becoming the most common family unit, but does anyone have a clue how they are supposed work?  We still base our ideas of family on the old standard of a nuclear family (mom, dad, and their biological children.)  A step family does NOT fit this mold.  When new step families see that their family doesn’t come close to resembling what they expected, it’s common for them to start questioning their decision to remarry.

Divorce is painful.  There’s no getting around it.  You hurt, you ex-spouse hurts, and your children hurt.  Rather than running to the altar because you’re “in love”, take time to step back and prepare.  Don’t put yourself and your children through the pain of another divorce.  Be wiser.  Be a better partner rather than just looking for a better one.  

Visit www.remarriagesuccess.com/ for more information on how to prepare as a couple and a family for a successful remarriage. I invite you to register today for your free 5 day e-course focusing specifically on other differences you will encounter in a remarriage versus your first marrige at www.remarriagesuccess.com/e-course.htm. Alyssa Johnson, MSW, LCSW is the founder and CEO of Remarriage Success. She may be reached through her website at where she encourages your feedback and suggestions.

As many of you are preparing to re-marry, you probably have expectations of what life will be like with your new spouse and new family. You’re thinking something along the lines of “happily ever after” perhaps? Sorry to burst your bubble but let’s take time out for a quick reality check.

People rarely have a clue what a relationship with a step-child will be like. It’s not because we’re stupid. It’s just that there aren’t any guide books for step families. We just assume it’s ok to play by biological family rules. This leads to many false assumptions. Today, I’d like to look at some of the most common and present a more realistic view of what you’re likely to experience.

1. I get along fine with the children now, so our relationship will only improve once I’m married to their parent.

• Children view their relationship with you VERY differently once you are married to their parent. Things are permanent now. Any hopes they may have been holding onto about mom and dad reconciling are dead, and you’re a part of that death. This quite obviously can cause serious resentment.

2. The kids are only over every other weekend. That shouldn’t cause much of a disruption to our home life.

• Just because a child is over every other weekend, doesn’t mean they can’t wreak havoc on your home and life. I receive tons of questions from fledgling step-parents struggling with what to do to manage what they view as the “disruption” to their lives when the kids come to visit. It’s not that they don’t like the kids, it’s just that their usual schedule gets turned topsy turvy.

3. My partner loves me, so naturally the kids will too.

• Nowhere does it say that just because a child’s parent loves you, that they have to. Many kids have the opinion that they already have 2 parents and they aren’t interested in having any more. Your goal should be for a civil, friendly relationship rather than one full of love. If you get love, great! But, don’t count on it.

4. I’m an adult… How tough can it be to win a kid over?

• It can be VERY difficult to “win over” a step-child. The problem is your attitude. It’s really a manipulative one. Rather than “win” them over, the focus needs to be on being present in their lives and slowly trying to build a relationship with them.

5. I won’t have to be the “bad guy” with these kids. My spouse will take care of all the discipline.

• While this SHOULD be the way things go, it rarely does. Most of the time single parents are so happy to have another adult in the house, they expect that person to step in and share the responsibility of discipline.

6. My new spouse will make sure the kids treat me with respect.

• This is another one that SHOULD happen, but unfortunately a lot of parents are still wrestling with a sense of guilt over breaking up the family. The guilt continues as the parent feels that the children are being forced into a new and different family. A lot of times this guilt plays out by parents not requiring their children to treat the new member of the family (that would be you, by the way) with the respect they deserve.

There are a lot of factors that determine what your relationship with your step-child will look like. Today we looked at the most typical of reactions. Want to find out other differences to expect in a remarriage? If so, I’d like to invite you to visit www.RemarriageSuccess.com/e-course.htm to register for our free 5 day e-course focusing specifically on what the differences are. You can also visit www.RemarriageSuccess.com for additional information and resources on how to prepare as a couple and a family for remarriage. Alyssa Johnson, MSW, LCSW is the founder and CEO of Remarriage Success. She may be reached through her website at www.RemarriageSuccess.com/contact.htm where she encourages your feedback and suggestions.

By Elizabeth A. Einstein, MA/LMFT  

Remarriage with children is challenging! Ask anyone living in a stepfamily. Or ask professionals who work with these complex and vulnerable families.

Yet most adults enter the world of stepfamily living woefully unprepared, as evidenced by the 60 percent remarriage divorce rate in America. While not all those divorces involve stepfamilies, most do, touching the lives of many children. Already, the re-organization of their families—by death, divorce, single-parent living, or remarriage–has created much loss and change for children. Eager to start anew, many adults become too close, too soon. Or they get involved with someone with whom they are out of sync; one person has been single for some time and is ready to move on; the other is barely out of the marriage, some not even legally. Usually these scenarios set up formulas failure as they attempt to work two processes at the same time—goodbyes and hellos.

Using time wisely between relationships is used is the most important investment individuals can make. A successful stepfamily depends upon how well adults prepare themselves and their children, so the courtship becomes far more complex the second—or third—time around. Yet unaware and uninformed adults spend more time choosing dresses, flowers, and the food for the wedding “event” but fail to focus on what’s really important—the marriage and future family they’ll create.

If I ran the world, people would have to meet strong requirements before they could marry or have children—the hardest jobs ever. Because of the stepfamily’s inherent challenges, these mandates would become more stringent before remarriage.  Adults would take classes on communication, child-rearing, family commitment, and stepfamily living because, after all, these folks provide the foundation for our most important institution—the family. Rather than pursuing politics with such an unpopular agenda, my life’s passion is as a marriage and family therapist and teacher–a skills builder to help strengthen stepfamilies. They could better master the challenges if they’d prepare more wisely—and that includes helping their children complete their grief about their changed families.

Resolved endings are important for new beginnings. Divorce counseling helps couples work through anger and guilt to achieve an “emotional divorce” so parents can better support their children. The powerful processes of meditation and collaborative law guide adults through non-adversarial divorce in ways they allow them to maintain self-respect–and respect for the other parent of their children. This investment ultimately provides the foundation for a healthy new stepfamily.

Four tasks exist to the remarriage preparation process: Resolving, rebuilding, re-linking, and remarrying. Because they involve healing an important loss, however a relationship ends, the first two are crucial. It is also the hardest. Research shows that death and divorce undeniably affect children throughout their lives.  Even if adults have the wisdom to seek counseling, many don’t include their children in the safe environment of family therapy where, together, everyone starts to process the changes their family is experiencing.

The “Rebuilding” stage” creates a paradox. Adults must become independent from a former spouse yet share co-parenting their children in a positive way. While friendship and compromise in parenting are a noble goal, not all divorced people can cooperate; but the resulting bitterness from horrendous court battles and unresolved feelings makes living in a new stepfamily even harder for children. When they feel caught between the two parents they love, such loyalty conflicts make it more difficult for children to build bonds with new stepparents. If I learn to like my new stepmom, they worry, will my mother be jealous?  Insecure, angry, or sad?

As adults consider remarriage, it’s time for both partners to check on unfinished business. While hidden agendas, unrealistic expectations, unresolved grief, and uninformed adults are among most the stepfamily’s serious stumbling blocks, the greatest challenge is dealing with discipline. Yet how many couples consider a parenting class during courtship? Or couple’s counseling to examine personal patterns or unresolved family of origin issues?  Could they improve communication skills as they interact with a new partner? True, classes and counseling don’t sound very romantic; but for those stepfamilies who intend to beat the statistics, love alone is simply not enough.

Ministers and members of faith communities have a special responsibility to support these vulnerable families by creating awareness and providing skills support before conducting ceremonies. After all, we want remarriages to work because they offer great strengths. Stepfamilies can succeed but they require strong, emotionally healed people with good skills and who have studied the “trail map” for their Stepfamily Journey ahead. Wimps need not apply!

Elizabeth Einstein, MA/LMFT is a Marriage & Family Therapist in Ithaca, NY. As one of America’s leaders in stepfamily education, she has written books and training programs to strengthen stepfamilies. Her newest book, Strengthening Your Stepfamily (Impact Publishers) was released last year. This month her new video-based “teach out of the box” Active Parenting for Stepfamilies, co-authored with Dr. Michael Popkin, a parenting expert is to be released February 2007 (Active Parenting). She was on the founding Board of the Stepfamily Association of America, now the National Stepfamily Resource Center.