Each family’s conversation will be unique and individual. However, there are some general tips that will apply to all families preparing for this dialogue. Here are some of them:

1. Plan the conversation in advance and decide which parent will say what in the conversation.

2. Have the conversation together so both parents are presenting the same information and children do not feel caught in the middle.

3. Keep your own feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, ambivalence, and blame out of the conversation.

4. Keep the conversation short and age appropriate.

5. Practice the conversation prior to having it so the words feel as comfortable as possible.

6. It is ok to be somewhat emotional during the conversation but it is important to contain your emotions so that your children see you as a parent who will survive this change.

7. Consider when to tell your children in relation to when the actual changes will take place. Some children need more time to process information than others. Some children will be anxious knowing this information without actual changes. Consider your own child’s needs.

8. Include statements about what is happening (e.g. mommy and daddy have decided to live in two separate homes) and discuss whether you want to use the words separation and divorce.

9. Explain the housing situation in an age-appropriate way, to include where each parent will live and any details about the homes (e.g. distance apart, bedroom set-up).

10. Do not make promises you are not 100% sure you can deliver. Although there is an urge to reassure children with promises about staying in the same school district or house, unless you are sure this will happen, do not promise this to your child.

11. Let your children know this is not their fault and there is nothing they can do to change what is happening.

12. Consider giving children an explanation as to why you are separating or divorcing (e.g. we have been arguing a lot lately and have been unable to resolve our problems after working very hard). It is not recommended that parents share the intimate details of why the separation or divorce, information about possible affairs, or information that one parent wants the separation or divorce and the other parent does not.

13. Remind your children that you both will always love them and take care of them as their parents.

14. Let your children know what will stay the same (e.g. school, friends, activities) and what will be different (e.g. you will see dad on these days and mom on these days).

15. Let your children know that they may have a range of feelings, and that you want them to feel comfortable feeling a variety of emotions (e.g. sadness, anxiety, excitement, relief).

16. Resist the understandable urge to tell your children “everything will be fine”. It can feel dismissive of the child’s feelings and may negate your desire for your child to feel free to express their own emotions.

17. Anticipate that your children may ask questions you are not prepared to answer. A safe and appropriate response is that the child has asked a good question and the parents will talk about it and get back to him/her. Then, it is important to follow through with this and get back to the child with a response in a timely way.

This initial conversation is the beginning of an on-going dialogue with your children about the separation or divorce. As children grow older, process feelings, and have new experiences, their questions change. It is best for children if parents are open to talking as their children evolve.

For further assistance during this challenging transitional period, you and your family may benefit from a consultation with a mental health professional that specializes in separation and divorce.

-Posted by Sue Soler

Ms. Soler can be reached at 301-461-8688 or suesoler@yahoo.com.

SOURCE

By Carolyn via TheGrownUpChild

Have you ever agreed with someone on a topic only to realize later, after closer consideration that you didn’t agree at all, and you wish wish wish you could go back in time and change your answer?

Just me?  Oh.

As a guest on the online radio show Coparenting Matters, one of the co-hosts Talibah asked me this question (I’m paraphrasing): “Would you agree that it’s not divorce itself but how parents can conduct themselves after divorce that hurts children?”

It’s an interesting question and something that I’ve heard before and yet never carefully considered.

It sounded logical enough.  We all know that parental conflict whether it’s pre or post divorce hurts children.  That research is well documented.  It would follow, that in such cases a child would benefit from divorce.  Most would also agree that happy parents are more effective in their parenting, so again if a marriage is making parents unhappy, their children will benefit from a divorce.  And with children benefiting from divorce, all parents really have to worry about is co-parenting effectively while keeping conflict to a minimum and well beyond their children’s eyes and ears.  By doing so, their children will be just fine.

So…I agreed.  But it bothered me.  I kept thinking about that question.  And when I really thought about it, I was surprised by how much I didn’t agree.  In fact, I don’t know if I could disagree more.

The statement, ‘Divorce doesn’t hurt children, only conflict does’ says to me, ‘Don’t worry about helping children with their negative emotions related directly to divorce because there aren’t any.  Coparent effectively while conducting yourself appropriately and children of divorce shouldn’t have to any negative emotions at all.’

It’s an almost ridiculous premise.

And yet, I agreed.  I can’t believe I agreed.  Because in that agreement I essentially sold out all of my fellow children of divorce.  Shame on me.

So I’m going to fix it.

Divorce in and of itself, emotionally hurts children.  Even if at the same time it benefits them.  And if divorced parents don’t acknowledge that, they are doing their children a disservice.

I understand my parent’s divorce.  It doesn’t make me angry and I’ve never once in my whole life wished for them to reconcile.  I do not believe that parents should remain in unhappy or conflictual marriages for the sake of their children.  Don’t believe me?  Check out this post I wrote months ago.  But does any of that mean my parents’ divorce didn’t hurt me?  Of course not.  It hurt me on a fundamental level.

My parent’s divorce shattered my core senses of stability, family and love.  I was no longer a kid simply worrying about kid things.  Suddenly I was navigating immense changes to my family while realizing it would never look or feel the same again.  From then on, I was always either missing my dad or missing my mom.  My belief in unconditional love came to a screeching halt and I started to wonder what might negate their love for me too.  And the fact that my parents never talked badly about one another and never involved me in anything inappropriate didn’t help me deal with any of those emotions.

If you’re not a child of divorce, put yourself in our shoes for just one minute.  Imagine having your family torn apart and there’s not a darn thing you can do about it.  Imagine everything in your life changing and you don’t know where it’s headed or if you’ll recognize anything once it stops.  Imagine everything being turned upside down and being told that you have focus on reorienting yourself to being upside down for the rest of your life, because that’s just the way it’s going to be from now on.  Loved ones away from you, not knowing what the hell is going on or what’s going to happen, and learning to live your life inverted.

Now that you’ve walked a minute in my shoes, try the ‘divorce doesn’t hurt’ statement out.  See if you can not shake your head at it’s absurdity.  It would be like saying ‘someone living the rest of their life upside down shouldn’t really be bothered by that fact.  The only thing that hurts the upside down ones is when others point and laugh at them.’  The fact that insult isn’t added to injury doesn’t mean the injury doesn’t exist.  The same goes that just because divorced parents work well together in the aftermath of their divorce, doesn’t mean that their divorce hasn’t shaken their children to their cores.

The belief that ‘divorce doesn’t hurt’ is a fallacy that I think parents need to be careful not to adopt.  A child’s long term or even immediate benefit does not counteract divorce’s pain.  And acknowledging that, is the first real step in helping your child cope.  Allowing guilt to blind you to the reality that your actions, your divorce, has hurt your child is understandable.  Nobody wants to believe they’ve hurt their kids.  But by not accepting, acknowledging, or validating your child’s pain, not only are you not helping them to work through it, you are actually encouraging them to both question their own feelings and consequently bury them deeper.

So come on divorced parents!  Get comfortable with your guilt.  Look it in the face and then get ready to do the hard work that’s required to be rid of it by actually helping your kids.   Divorce hurts everyone.  You have the benefit (hopefully) of your knowledge, hope and understanding that it’s pain will fade or be outweighed by it’s benefits.  Your children do not, so don’t expect that from them.  Don’t allow them to comfort you and take away your guilt by showing you how ‘unaffected’ they are.  Accept responsibility for the pain you’ve caused and then do something about it.

In short, you be the parent.  Let them be the child.

Even if they never say the words, they’ll thank you for it.

Today, it can no longer be assumed that the mother will get custody of the children. Instead, what judges consider during a custody trial is based on the “best interests of the child”, and they try to give custody to the parent who will provide the best environment and upbringing for the children.

To win your child custody case, you will need to prove to the judge that it is in the best interest of the children to be with you. In preparing for a custody case, be aware that your parenting skills and daily interactions with your children will be thoroughly inspected by a judge. Just telling the judge that you are a good parent won’t be enough. You need provide documentation and testimony from witnesses to back up your parental capabilities. 
Keeping detailed, consistent records is critically important in child custody battles. You need to be prepared to show the judge that you have gone out of your way to nurture and care for your children. Because there is so much at stake, you also need to document any short-comings of your spouse that would be relevant to the custody case.

There are a number of ways that you can prove that you are a better parent. Below are some ideas:

• Record activities with your children on a daily basis to help show that you are heavily involved in your children’s life on a continuing basis.
• Attend all school activities, such as parent-teacher meetings, assemblies, school plays, and musicals. Try to interact with your child’s teacher and office support staff in an ongoing manner. Keep record of all the activities that you attend.
• Be the parent who takes your child to the doctor and dentist. This will help support that you are a nurturing parent, plus provide witnesses that will testify that you are the parent who brought the children in most often.
• Foster your child’s involvement in church and family activities. This will help prove that you are providing for your child’s moral upbringing.
• Take your children on vacations and outings to show that you spend quality time with your children. If possible take pictures and keep mementos for extra documentation.
• Get witness who have observed you interact with your child over a long period of time to support that you are a good parent. This includes relatives, teachers, doctors, child-care workers, neighbors, and friends.

While you need to emphasize that you are a good parent, you may also need to document the poor performance of your spouse with your children. Documentation on your spouse might include:

• Evidence of an overwhelming work schedule that restricts interaction with the children,
• Interference with custody, visitation times, or failure to pay temporary support for the children,
• Incidences of domestic violence, such as police records, photos of bruises, etc,
• DWI convictions, jail time, or proof of drug use.
• Evidence of mental illness
• Activities that might endanger or could be detrimental to the child
• Any comments the children have made about neglectful, inappropriate, alienating or abusive forms of parenting by the other parent
• Cohabitating or exposing the children to over-night stays with a significant other.

As you can see, keeping detailed, consistent records is critically important in child custody battles. It allows you to pinpoint patterns of interactions or problems that would be important to the judge.

Article by Tracy Achen, from WomansDivorce.com, where we have one focus - helping women survivedivorce and rebuild their lives.

Another study in Psychological Science claimed that a person’s happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it. That’s what these 7 tips are: suggestions for preventing the devastating depression that often accompanies divorce, and techniques that you can use to keep your happiness level steady or maybe even higher!

1. Lose yourself in a book (or an afghan).

I think the one thing that kept my mom sane the years after she and my dad split were the 75 afghans she knitted for me, my sisters, and anyone who got married during between 1982 and 1985. The mundane, repetitive gesture, she told me later, kept her brain on the loop that she was making with her big plastic needles, away from all the sadness in her heart. Swimming is the same type of activity for me. I count each lap, so if I start to ruminate too much, I lose track. For an OCD gal who needs to burn calories, it’s a tragedy when that happens. A friend of mine who divorced last year said that losing herself in a juicy novel was a helpful diversion. Or I guess you could also watch reality TV, although I’d hate for you to sink that low.

2. Change your routine.

The year after my dad left, a counselor recommended to my mom that she go back to work. So she took a part-time job as a hostess at a nice restaurant downtown, working lunch hour. The job forced her to smile, meet new people, and be part of a fresh environment—all of which helped her to get out of her head for several hours of the day and gave her hope that there was new life out there, that her life wasn’t over just because her marriage had ended.

3. Plan, plan, and plan some more.

In her book Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again, psychotherapist Roberta Temes suggests a few activities that are therapeutic during bereavement (and divorce is a kind of bereavement). One of them is planning. That is, planning everything. I know this works because I did it during the really low months of my severe depression. I planned when I would eat my bagel, when I would shower, and when I would relieve my bladder. I planned when I’d write my distorted thoughts into a journal, and when I would try to count my blessings. All the planning cut down on my ruminations. You think I’m crazy? Temes writes:

Use a calendar to make your plans. Plan when you will go somewhere new. Plan when you will buy yourself a new outfit. Plan to learn to knit and decide when you’ll go to the yarn store. Plan to go fishing and call a buddy who likes to fish. Or, learn how to frame a favorite photo and plan when you will venture to a craft shop or to an art supply store. Plan to repair something in your house and plan to go to Home Depot or to Lowe’s or to your local hardware store. Planning activities for your future will help you reach that future.

4. Clean out and organize.

A productive way to grieve the end of a relationship is to clean out the drawers, closets, and other corners of your house that may still contain your spouse’s possessions, and replace them with new stuff. Your stuff. You don’t have to do it all at once, of course. As I said in the last point, you can plan each stage of the excavation. By manually picking up each item, recalling certain memories, and ever so tidily boxing them up for either him, Goodwill, or bulk pickup, you are acknowledging and bidding adieu to the marriage, while creating a space in your life for something new.

5. Preserve your energy.

In her book, Ready to Heal, Kelly McDaniel urges people who have just ended a relationship to preserve their energy, to avoid cluttering their days with too much activity. She writes, “The energy it takes to endure withdrawal [of a relationship] is equivalent to working a full-time job. Truthfully, this may be the hardest work you’ve ever done. In addition to support from people who understand your undertaking, you must keep the rest of your life simple. You need rest and solution.” You feel tired? You’re working two jobs … that’s why!

6. Defy the stereotype.

Mary Jo Eustace will make any reader, but especially those who have lived through divorce, laugh out loud with her memoir, Divorce Sucks. I loved the part where she challenges the divorcee to debunk the hurtful stereotypes of divorced people. Writes Eustace: “Our marriages didn’t work, so people assume we don’t quite work. And this is why it’s very important for those of us who have survived the hell of divorce to start redefining what the landscape of the divorced woman [or man] can look like. People can have us over for dinner, even a couple’s dinner party, and we promise we won’t seduce anyone’s husband or dance on the table, expressing ourselves through modern movement and our ability to do the splits.”

7. Take the high road.

My friend and mentor Mike constantly reminds me that it’s better to be happy or at peace than it is to be right. So, as I’m loaded and ready to fire off a nasty email to some jerk who could potentially make my life hell, I will stop and consider Mike’s pearl of advice. Then I drag the email over to the cute trashcan on my monitor.

I have no doubt your ex-spouse is responsible for a mother load of terrible things, legal pad after legal pad of inexcusable grievances you could report to your attorney. And you would be absolutely entitled to seek revenge (or even justice) for his all of his misjudgments. But is it worth it? That’s the question you might need to stick to your bathroom mirror on a sticky note. A friendly divorce isn’t necessarily a fair divorce. Which one do you want?

SOURCE

However, it is the child who often pays the price: the child who has to write an essay because a parent cannot afford Back to School night, the child who has to sit on the bench because he/she misses practices while visiting the other parent, the child who comes home crying from school, sad when he doesn’t know who to make a Father’s Day card for because his father died. As adults - teachers, coaches, neighbors, family, and friends, we can change our attitude, be more sensitive and compassionate, and recognize that SINGLE PARENTS RAISE GOOD KIDS TOO!

It is difficult and challenging to be a parent today, and it is even more difficult to raise children alone. We as parents are often overwhelmed and lacking the parenting skills necessary to do a good job. But good solid parenting has less to do with the number of parents in the home and more to do with the quality of parenting. Whether the single parent household is headed by a mother, father, or a grandparent, raising children alone is an enormous task. Why should we care? Because the statistics tell us that most of us will live in, know of or be involved with a single parent family at some point.

Since 1970, the number of children living in a single parent family has doubled. In fact, statistics from 1992 indicate that single parent families represent 30% of U.S. households, while 25% represent two parent households. Based on current trends, there are predictions that upwards of 70% of children born since 1980 will spend some time living in a single parent home before their 18th birthday. These children are not doomed to failure. The following strategies are offered to the single parent who is determined to raise a good kid despite the myths of doom and gloom.

1. ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT

Adults and children do better when single parenthood is perceived as a viable option and not as a pathological situation. Start with a positive attitude and focus on the benefits of single parenting, such as less conflict and tension in the home. Many single parents treasure their newfound autonomy and independence and feel hopeful about the future.

2. YOU ARE THE BOSS

Establish firm, clear boundaries that leave no doubt that you are the boss In the home. Single parents (and two parent households) often make the mistake of allowing children to become equal partners or peers, and too many children are running the show. This loads to serious individual and family problems. Children need limits. Use consistent discipline that provides clear expectations and guidelines for behavior and rely on natural and logical consequences. Learn to say, “I love you enough to say NO to you.1? (My kids hate that one).

3. DEAL WITH OVERLOAD

The single parent frequently feels overwhelmed by the responsibility, tasks, and emotional overload associated with raising children alone. It is extremely important to manage time wisely and to ask for help when necessary. Assign children appropriate chores and tasks. Arrange car pools when possible, and ask other parents for help when needed. My children would not have been able to continue in club soccer were it not for the kindness of other parents providing rides to practices and games.

4. RECOGNIZE THAT YOU ARE ONE PERSON AND YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN.

No matter how loving and competent you are, you are still only one person and you are doing a job most agree Is meant for two people. Do not allow your children to manipulate you by making you feel guilty about the situation. Remind children that you are a team and have to work together. Give yourself credit for a job well done. You may have to wait until your kids are grown before you get any credit from them. This is where a sense of humor comes in handy!

5. CREATE A STABLE, NURTURING HOME

Nurturing is a high priority, but children also crave stability and security. While this Is important for all children, it Is especially crucial for children who have suffered 8 loss of stability due to divorce or death of a parent. Children need to feel secure and protected, and it Is our Job as parents to create a nurturing environment where they can thrive. Your children need to hear how much you love them and how proud you are. Some children may require more affection and attention than others, so know your child, and take your cue from him/her.

6. ESTABLISH SCHEDULES AND PREDICTABLE ROUTINES

Part of creating stability and security in the home involves establishing predictable schedules and routines for your children. Of course, we must not be rigid and inflexible, because children need to learn that life is not always predictable. Find a healthy balance.

7. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

It is critical for your children’s well being for you to take care of yourself. There are times when you feel like you need a break. Ask other single parents to trade babysitting or hire a mother’s helper. Pay special attention to diet, exercise, stress management, and getting a good night’s sleep. Learn relaxation, yoga, meditation, visualization, or whatever healthy coping skill allows you to relieve stress and tension. Take a walk, read a book, call a friend, take a nap (my personal favorite). A stressed out parent results in stressed out kids.

8. DEVELOP A RELIABLE SUPPORT SYSTEM

Develop a wide network of people who can provide you with emotional support, companionship, help in emergencies, child- care, reality checks, etc. Be selective and choose caring, reliable, trustworthy people who will be there for you In times of need. Single parents with healthy support systems usually feel better mentally and physically and demonstrate to their children that it is OK to ask for help. Support groups for single parents offer an excellent opportunity to socialize and share with others in similar circumstances.

9. DO NOT TREAT YOUR CHILD AS A PEER

Do not confide in your child as though he/she is your peer, regardless of how mature the child appears to be. This is a common mistake made unintentionally by many single parents who turn to their child for emotional support and don’t realize they are hurting the child until after the tact. Allow children to be children, and find other adults for companionship and support.

10. HAVE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

Focus on success and not on failure. Set realistic goals as a family and work together to accomplish these goals. Decide what is important and prioritize accordingly. Have family meetings on a regular basis and allow children to have In put. Learn to effectively communicate and solve family problems together while still demonstrating that you are the boss. Give your kids credit and give yourself credit.

If you are feeling overwhelmed, depressed, anxious or stressed, get professional help. A competent therapist can help you find the light at the end of the tunnel. I know how difficult it is to be a single parent, because I raised my children alone for eight years. A great support system contributed to my ability to be a good parent and raise two good kids! You can too!!

In 2006, a special blue-ribbon state commission sensibly called for overhauling state law to allow no-fault divorce. The reform enjoys broad support within legal circles and well beyond. Practically every New Yorker has a bitter divorce story, even if it’s not his or her own. Yet four years, and a countless number of traumatized parents and children later, Albany has yet to act.

As a result of that inaction, New York remains the only state in the union that will not permit marriages to end without one spouse’s alleging fault, such as cruel and inhumane treatment, adultery or abandonment.

Further dawdling would be inexcusable. Gov. David Paterson and the leaders of the State Legislature should publicly commit now to enact no-fault divorce before the end of the current legislative session.

The current rules inflict serious financial and emotional costs. Litigants end up spending thousands of dollars in unnecessary legal fees, and courts devote significant time to airing the painful and highly personal details of a breakup. It is a ridiculous use of judicial resources at any time, but especially in tough fiscal times.

Making divorce harder cannot rescue irretrievably broken marriages. The only thing really achieved by perpetuating the current law is to make divorces costlier, longer, and uglier than they need to be.

For years now, efforts to enact a fair no-fault system have cratered because of opposition from the Catholic Church and issues like lawyers’ fees and protecting victims of domestic violence. Achieving reform may not be easy. But it can be done. Just ask every other state.

SOURCE

In the past when a couple divorced, a father’s role was limited to financial support and the occasional visitation with his children. Until the changes in the divorce laws during the 1970’s, this state of affairs prevailed and for the most part, was accepted as the norm. Custody battles were almost unheard of and the status of fathers as “weekend Dads” went virtually unchallenged.

In the 1970’s divorce laws in many western countries underwent a major overhaul. One of the most significant changes was making both parents responsible for the care of children following divorce. This single change had tremendous implications for people with children getting divorced. While the financial implications of shared parental responsibility were overtly obvious, there were also important considerations regarding how children would be parented post divorce. For the first time, the courts recognized “joint custody” as a symbol of parents’ shared responsibility toward the care of their children. With this change, it became apparent that fathers were now recognized as “functional” parents and not just a source of financial support.

An important fall-out of the changes to the divorce laws that formally recognized fathers as real parents, was the emergence of custody battles. As noted previously, they were uncommon up until this point. However, with the changes to the divorce laws, disputes over custody became a growing phenomenon. While children are generally the focus of these very nasty fights over custody, in most cases, it is money that is at its root.

Many would argue that this simply is not so - those battles over custody have to do with the respective abilities of each parent to provide safe and nurturing care for their children. However, a closer look at the dynamics of custody battles reveals that sadly, the children become a bartering mechanism where access time is traded for a financial settlement.

The most obvious question is “why” should money and children become the driving forces behind custody battles? The answer lies in these two related issues:

• The provision for child support relies on the amount of residential time share each parent has. Thus, if the time-share is almost equal, theoretically little if any, child support is due. Similarly, if the primary breadwinner was to have a greater proportion of the time-share, then the same principle would apply. Finally, if a parent who had been a stay at home parent was no longer to have primary care and control of the children, then not only would child support be a limited issue, but so would the obligation to pay large amounts of spousal support.

• The provision for differential joint parenting arrangements provides the impetus to negotiate an unequal division of assets. Whereas in the past, when mothers’ sole custody and/or status as the residential parent were rarely in dispute, opportunities to include property and asset issues in negotiations were almost non-existent. With the changes in the divorce laws, it is now possible for the parent with the larger share of assets to offset his or her divorce liability by using custody and access as factors in divorce negotiations.

Overall, the changes in the divorce laws have done much to recognize childrens’ right to have both parents in their lives. It has also come a far way in recognizing fathers as being more than a meal ticket by advancing fathers’ custodial rights. On the other hand, the downside of these advances is resistance to the change and opportunities to use children as pawns for financial purposes.

The following article gives several great examples for activities recommended to do with your child in order to help him or her cope with the divorce. Playing with your child and spending quality time together is key to dealing with this transition in your child’s life, and Earthquake in Zipland is intended for just that.

Going through the process of divorce is a challenging life transition for both parents and children. 

During their parents’ divorce, children often feel a wide variety of conflicting emotions. It is very important for parents to provide their children with understanding and support. 

This guide provides ideas for many activities parents can do to support their children and help them work through their feelings, concerns and frustrations regarding the divorce.

DRAWING PICTURES
Anger, sadness, worry, relief, confusion, guilt, embarrassment, loneliness, and nervousness — these are all common emotions that children experience when their parents divorce. 

Many children have difficulty expressing these emotions in words. Drawing pictures of feelings can be an easier way for children to express how they truly feel inside. This process helps children express themselves in a positive manner and aids parents in knowing what their children are thinking and feeling concerning the divorce. 

After your child has drawn a picture, ask specific questions about the drawing. Encourage him or her to explain what he or she has drawn and why. Be positive and supportive.

Things to draw pictures of: 

• What does divorce look like?
• How does divorce make you feel?
• Draw pictures of various feelings, such as anger, sadness or loneliness.
• Draw a picture of your family; including anyone you feel is part of your family. Write each person’s name by his or her picture.
• Draw a picture of the homes you live in.
• If a genie could grant you one wish related to your family, what would you wish for? Draw a picture of your wish.

CONVERSATION STARTERS
Following divorce, it is important for parents and children to keep the lines of communication open. Often, children have many fears, worries and questions about the divorce. 

If they feel comfortable talking with their parents about these issues, they will likely have an easier adjustment to the changes divorce brings. However, children may not always know how to express their feelings or put their questions into words. 

Discuss the following questions with your children to help them talk through their feelings about the divorce. Good conversations can occur in a wide variety of settings: during dinner, in the car, at bedtime or on walks.

Possible Questions: 

• How has your life changed since the divorce?
• Why do you think people get married?
• Why do you think people get divorced?
• What is a happy family like?
• Who do you talk with about the divorce?
• What good has come from the divorce?
• What do you worry about?
• What do you think your life will be like in five years?
• What good qualities does your dad have? Your mom?
• If you could change anything about your life, what would you make different?

COMMUNICATING FROM A DISTANCE
When one parent moves a considerable distance away, coping with the divorce often becomes more difficult for children because, in addition to the effects of the divorce, they must also adjust to not seeing that parent very often. 

The following tips can help parents and children maintain strong relationships from long distances.

E-mail each other. E-mail is a fast, convenient way to keep in touch.

Start a postcard club. Everyone likes to receive mail! It only takes a few minutes to fill out a postcard. Give some stamped cards to your child, and take turns sending a card each week.

Have weekly or monthly phone dates. Set a specific time when you will talk on the phone (e.g. Wednesday evenings at 7 p.m. or the first Sunday of each month at noon). This will give both of you something to look forward to!

Create a shared journal. Buy an inexpensive notebook and write your thoughts and feelings in it. Exchange the notebook when you see each other.

Create a family Web site. This is a great way to post information and pictures to each other.

Make audio or video tape recordings. Hearing or seeing each other, whether for special occasions or just during daily activities, will keep the bond between you strong!

LETTER WRITING
Writing letters is a constructive way to deal with confusing feelings and to blow off steam. 

Encourage your child to write a letter to one or both parents, expressing her feelings about the divorce. Tell her she can write whatever she feels like. Assure her that she does not have to send the letters if she does not want to. 

The act of putting feelings and ideas in writing often helps to put the situation in perspective.

PARENT INFORMATION CARDS
Make information cards for you, your child and the other parent. Write information about yourself on one side of a large index card, and put information about your child’s other parent on the other side. 

With this card, you, your child and your child’s other parent will always know how to contact each other.

Items to include: 

• Name
• Addresses (home and work)
• Phone numbers (home and work)
• Days I live with this parent
• Things we like to do together

THE POWER OF STORIES

READING CHILDREN’S BOOKS
Many children’s books address the topic of divorce. Reading such books with your child can be a valuable way to help him work through the feelings and concerns he is facing regarding the divorce in his own life. 

Children often identify with characters in books. Discussing how characters work through their challenges can give your child insight into his own situation.

WRITING STORIES
Many children write and illustrate stories. If your child enjoys this kind of activity, suggest that he write a story about divorce.

Encourage your child to be as creative as possible and to draw pictures that help illustrate the story. If your child is willing, have him share his story with you. Be sure to be positive and supportive of his work.

PERSONAL HISTORY TIME LINE
One common feeling children experience after the divorce is worry about the future. They may be concerned about what is going to happen to them and if their lives will ever be normal again. 

Creating a time line can help children put the current events of their lives in perspective. It can help them see that they have experienced many good things in the past, and that they have many years ahead of them to have fun and happy times with their families. 

Younger children will need help with this activity but will enjoy thinking of events for their parent to put on their time line. 

Discuss your child’s time line with him when he is finished. Point out that he has experienced many different events throughout life, some good and some bad. Help him to understand that he can get through the difficult time of divorce and that there are happiness and good times ahead.

Directions for a personal history time line 

• Draw a long horizontal line on a sheet of paper.
• Label your birth at one end with a star.
• Label the present time somewhere in the middle.
• Mark significant events that have occurred in your life between the “birth” star and the “present” mark. Possible ideas include births of siblings, getting pets, starting school, moving, learning to read, learning to ride a bike, divorce, remarriage, joining a team or club, death of relatives and special holidays and vacations.
• Mark events that you hope will happen in the future.

PLAY TOGETHER
As with drawing pictures, play is often a good way to help children express their feelings when it is difficult to talk about them. The following are some ideas of effective play activities:

Make puppets.
Create finger puppets or puppets out of brown paper sacks. Have the puppets talk about their feelings.

Play games.
Sometimes when people are occupied in another activity, it is easier to talk about feelings than if they just sit down to have a talk. There are even some games on the market that specifically address divorce.

Role-play.
Practice dealing with difficult situations that come about during divorce by acting out scenarios and discussing ways these situations can be handled positively.

LET’S EXERCISE
Engaging in physical activities together helps parents and children spend time with one another and reap the health benefits of exercise! Exercising is a good way to get rid of tension or angry feelings in a positive way.

Good activities for parents and children to enjoy together: 

• Swimming
• Biking
• Hiking
• Walking
• Camping
• Flying kites
• Roller-blading

CREATING TWO COMFORTABLE HOMES
Your child should feel comfortable both in your home and in the home of your former spouse. Making sure that each home contains familiar items will help your child feel secure and at home in both places. 

If possible, work with your child’s other parent and include the following items in both households:

• Favorite toys and games
• Basic school supplies (paper, pencils, scissors, etc.)
• Clothing (underwear, socks, pajamas, jeans, etc.)
• Toiletries (toothbrush, hair brush, deodorant, etc.)
• Favorite foods
• Photos of all family members

 TIME CAPSULE
Making a time capsule is another way of helping children recognize that the troublesome feelings surrounding the divorce won’t last forever and that there are many things to look forward to in the future.

Have your child put things in the capsule that represent his life: stories, drawings, photographs, and other special treasures and reminders. Encourage your child to answer the following questions and include them in the time capsule:

Time capsule questions 

• Who are your friends?
• Who is part of your family now?
• Who will be part of your family in the future?
• Where will you be living in one year? Five years?
• What kinds of things do you like to do?
• What would you like to learn how to do in the future?
• What do you want to be when you grow up?

There are many different kinds of containers that make good time capsules — large glass jars with tight lids, large manila envelopes, shoeboxes, or drawstring bags.

After your child has finished making the time capsule, help her seal it. Let her decide when she will open it. For example, it might be opened in one year, on a certain birthday, or five years from the divorce.

When the time comes to open the capsule, your child will undoubtedly have fun looking at the things she put in it, noticing how her handwriting has changed, and reading the things she wrote.

CONCLUSION
Divorce is a difficult adjustment for children and parents. All family members must deal with a wide variety of emotions and make changes in the way they live. However, despite their own struggles in the divorce process, parents still have an obligation to provide their children with love, nurturing and a sense of stability. Relationship-building activities, such as those discussed in this guide, can help parents connect with their children and better understand their children’s feelings and concerns. With time, patience and creativity, children and parents can successfully work through the effects of divorce together.

University of Missouri-Columbia
Sharon Leigh, Extension Associate
Janet A. Clark, Associate State Specialist
Human Development and Family Studies Extension

References
Bonkowski, S. (1987). Kids are nondivorceable: A workbook for divorced parents and their children. Chicago: ACTA Publications.
Brett, D. (1988). Annie stories: A special kind of storytelling. New York: Workman Publishing Company.
Davenport, M. A., Gordy, P. L., & Miranda, N. A. (1993). Children of divorce. Milwaukee, WI: Families International, Inc.
Garigan, E., & Urbanski, M. (1991). Living with divorce: Activities to help children cope with difficult situations. Carthage, IL: Good Apple.
Hickey, E., & Dalton, E. (1994). Healing hearts: Helping children and adults recover from divorce. Carson City, NV: Gold Leaf Press.
Margolin, S. (1996). Complete group counseling program for children of divorce. West Nyack, NY: The Center for Applied Research in Education.

Copyright 2002 University of Missouri. 
Published by University Extension, University of Missouri-Columbia

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So your ex has moved out – now what? Our guide to moving your home from “we” to “me”

It was a dream-like experience. Upon returning from a weekend away with our children, the bedroom closets were empty—my husband, now my ex, had moved out. He took the fabulous living room furniture that we had purchased not that long ago.  My world was changing.

The reality was, I wanted to stop thinking about who I had become upon divorce—a single woman—and focus on my surroundings. I wanted my home to change from our home to my home.

I wanted to shape my space to reflect my personality. I wanted to transform it into a space where I would be happy. Slowly, this philosophy would influence the décor throughout my home.

Of course, like most of the things I was dealing with, this was uncharted territory—especially learning to deal with my new budget. The first project I wanted to tackle was my new bedroom. The room which we shared, which was ours, was now mine. As I gloriously celebrated more closet space, I needed to create a room which would provide new memoires of the next chapter of my life. I fantasized about my new seductive boudoir, strewn with rose pedals and candlelight everywhere. 

But the truth was, that wasn’t me. Reality set in and I did what I could—cost effectively, changing only my sheets, drapery and mattress. It was a fresh start.

Comfort for the kids as well

I also needed to keep in mind that my children needed continuity. Even if I could afford it (which I couldn’t), I wasn’t going to change everything. After all, what message would that be sending to my children—erasing all memories of their life before the divorce? Letting my personality shine through as best I could, spending as little I could, I would decorate for myself, not anyone else.  I bought some new artwork, throw pillows for my family room sofa and a few knick-knacks here and there.

Kimberly Seldon, an internationally recognized designer, suggests: “When you experience a crisis it’s essential to take time to heal before embarking on new projects.  I’ve met new clients who immediately want to redesign the whole house. It may feel good to “erase” any trace of him, but you want to make sure you are in a sane and peaceful frame of mind before you start renovating or decorating.”

“You don’t want to make every decision with him in mind. For example, he hated leather so you will “show him” and put leather everywhere. That may not be what you really want.  Once you are emotionally ready to heal and move on, then decorating can be an empowering process; reclaiming your own space and your own look.” 

Seldon offers the following helpful tips to lessen the decorator letdown, and create a space that will become your retreat and your oasis; and a sanctuary away from the hectic life you lead. After all, life post-divorce sometimes seems like huge a balancing act, teetering on the brink between stress and sanity. 

Identify priorities. Tackle one small, important space at a time. For instance, if you are going to spend 50% of your time in the kitchen then put your focus (time and money) there. Don’t bother with the living room initially if you don’t think you’ll use it much.

Be yourself. Make sure you are choosing what is authentic for you – not just what he would have hated. You are going to be moving into new territory; a whole new life.  You’ll want the new space to reflect the beginning of a new life, not the end of an old one.

Put the war to rest, and be realistic. Put together a floor plan before you hire the movers. It’s too easy during a divorce to fight over pieces of furniture that are really obsolete once you move. Make sure you want or need the items in question before you pay the movers to take them to the new home. If the old pieces of furniture don’t fit, or aren’t right, that will just be one more thing you hate about the divorce.

Be authentic. Seldon comments: “I have a dear friend in LA whose home is very formal, but she’s very casual person. There’s a disconnect when you see her in the space.” Embrace the best parts of yourself and create an environment that celebrates the real you

Let the real you shine through. Seldon learns the most about new friends and clients from the artwork and books they collect. These are the true mirror to the soul. You may not want to invest in a lot of kitsch for your new house, but a funky coffee table book about the subject sends a message about your irreverent side.

Ah, my space, and loving it. Relaxing in the surroundings I call home. I’m doing it in style, my way – and it’s certainly far from perfect. But, that isn’t to say I can’t change my space from “me” to “we” again, but for now, this is what makes me happy.

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