“Now we need to know how to approach our five-year old”
“My wife and I are about to separate and divorce. It is quite amicable,
except for the fact that I still love my wife with all my heart. While no
one has cheated or abused the other, I have come to understand (with a
therapist’s help) that I have made serious mistakes that are primarily the
cause of the failure of our marriage. My wife was very reluctant to admit
that, wanting to share the responsibility, but it has become clear that I
have failed her badly.
Obviously, I have worked through some serious, difficult moments accepting
it all. But in the end, she feels hurt and emotionally drained and ready
for divorce. After months of therapy and open, sincere discussion, I have
surrendered to her desire, rather than try and trap her in a failed,
unfulfillng marriage. I accept that she does not love me anymore, and she
accepts that I will surrender to her demand for a divorce, but still love
her deeply.
We have two children, ages five and two.
Just before I surrendered, I made a desparate plea for mercy. I had not
planned to do any such thing. I had put on my shorts and t-shirt and
running shoes to go running, she spoke to me and my heart got the best of
me. I knelt at her feet and begged for mercy. I was under the impression
that the children were with their Aunt. They were not. The five year old
came into the room and saw daddy kneeling on bare knees at Mommy’s feet,
trembling, hands clasped. Mommy was standing over daddy, arms folded,
looking down on her fallen spouse.
The child refuses to say much of any consequence in the aftermath. We don’t
know how best to approach it. My wife is more upset with me than ever and I
am filled with regret.
Please believe me. Despite my failures, I do love my wife dearly and my
children. I am truly sorry for all of my mistakes, and I have surrendered
to my wife to allow the divorce to happen.
Now we need to know how to approach our five-year old.
Please don’t use my real name in print.
Thank you.”
I think it would be a good idea to talk to a psichologist that is specialized in children.
As for your wife, it is better not to beg. Women like sensitive, but strong men. Plead your case, but be decent about it. Best thing you can do is tell her that you still love her and to let you know if she’ll ever want to be together again.
The child is 5 and will quickly forget it, unless you have raised the kid to be an emotional wreck like his dad turned out to be. I understand that you were pleading for the sake of your marriage out of desperation, but dude, man up, grow some balls, and do your wife and kids the favor of going out quietly. You’ve admitted that the reason for your divorce is all you’re fault. Your kid will be fine. If you don’t make a big deal out of it, neither will he.
You and your wife need to sit down together with your 5 yo and talk about what’s happening in terms she/he can understand. This should be done in a conversational manner, side by side, lying down on the bed or sitting on the couch, not like an interrogation at the kitchen table, if you see what I mean. Ideally this conversation is a springboard from another, like reading a story about divorce, or a tv show that you watched together…which will make it less threatening. Both of you (adults) need to support each other in telling your child that BOTH of you sometimes feel sad about the divorce, but over time you will feel better…both of you love your children (you’re still talking to your child) and understand that sometimes she/he may feel sad too, or angry, or confused (which may be an opportunity for your child to talk about the event you described)…even though you won’t be living together (or whatever changes are happening) you are still a family, and you will manage the changes together. Let your child guide the conversation from there, and just validate her/his feelings, answer questions, etc. Be honest!! You need to NOT get emotional during this time!!! Of course, only say this if your wife and you are going to be able to co-parent this way…and for them, you need to! I wish you well, and I hope that your own pain eases soon.
I agree that you all should be talking, real non-emotional, with the five-year old and be telling the child that you all will still be a family and you will be loving your children. Admit that you do have some sad feelings sometimes and that its ok becauase you will be feeling better in time and that its ok for everyone in the family to be feeling such.
Then, listen a real lot to what the child does say and talk about it, but be real calm.
Also, you say you have surrendered. So why are you still in the house that isn’t your home anymore? Move out real soon and do it when you do know the children are not home. While I do agree that women do like strong, sensitive men, I do feel you should kneel down just one more time. That should come just before you leave. Put your hands on your heart, express your undying love, your apology for failing her and pledge that you are getting out of her way so that she can be free of your failed marriage. Pledge to her and you that you will be there if needed but you won’t be bugging her. And pledge to her, and you, that you will not beg for mercy or forgiveness again.
Forget about macho stuff. A real man can admit he’s done wrong and say he’s sorry. But if you kept groveling you would hurt your wife over and over again. Let this be the end of the marriage and your begging. This will also let you be moving on, too.
Feel better soon, please. You do deserve it.
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Welcome to Your Child - Your Divorce
As any parent instinctively knows and understands - nothing should come before the health and well-being of your children. And divorce, as difficult as it might be for everyone involved, should NOT change that fact. Our articles tackle important questions surrounding kids and divorce to hopefully make the divorce transition as painless on the child as possible.
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